Fun Online Auction With Top Quality Items Going For Just Cents!

How would you like to pay only 2¢, 5¢, 75¢, or 99¢ for a decent video camera or television or even computer? If that sounds appealing to you, than you must join this fair and honest auction site right away and start bidding on items you wish to own. If you haven't heard of it yet, the site is called Deal Dash. It's Fun, exciting & most importantly, you get the best deals ever, which you would never find anywhere else. Check out these DealDash videos on how Deal Dash works, then sign up for free, buy a bidding package and start bidding.

You will be totally shocked at the items that go for merely cents, not dollars, but cents. It amazes me that an Apple TV was sold for just $0.03 and many other incredible items go for so little that will have you slapping your head and dropping your jaw!

DealDash is unique compared to other auction sites like penny auctions because there aren't near as many bidders as there are on penny auctions where power bidders keep outbidding you at the last moment. There are also new items listed every day, so there won't be any shortage of cool items and you won't get bored.

It's risk free to bid on Deal Dash because if you don't happen to win, you are able to buy the item now at retail price and you'll win all your bids back! Plus, they will even ship all of your items straight to you free of charge! How awesome is that? It's fun, easy and you will be very pleased at what you can win for next to nothing. So, check it out today if you want the best deals out there. Good luck and happy bidding! :)

Funny IRS Audits Grandpa Joke

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

Funny Bran Flakes Joke

There was a couple that were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. 

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself..'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f.....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Hilarious Receipt Advice

Here's some hilarious receipt advice.. lol

National Relief

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Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .
As he was recovering a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said 'I only have a spinster sister who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated

For 5 Pounds

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.

'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'

He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been

Funny Yet Sad

This is funny, yet sad; only 54 years ago . . .


Comments made in the year 1955!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store...

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon.

Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball?

It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than

A Senior Moment To Be Proud Of

A SENIOR MOMENT: I hope to have these kinds lol

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.


Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:


1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)

DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!

Learn To Love Me

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled, so he asked what was wrong.
"Oh, well, it's just my girlfriend."
"Oh really? What's the issue?"
"I asked her if she could learn to love me; she then asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.

Taking Money to the Afterlife

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque.... If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Comments Made 53 Years Ago

Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 25 cents a pack is ridiculous..

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to mail a letter

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'Did you see 'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ..

where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

Bragging About Kids

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a ...{full joke}

A Bottle Of Merlot

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.� He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches ....Just send the bottle back.'

Getting Canada Pension Without I.D.

Having reached the age of 62, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was Very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.

At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt."

I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of ... {full joke}

The Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

To Help Ease the Pain of Your Next Trip to the Pump

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

Compared with Gasoline

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ...... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ...... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ......... .. $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER.. .

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismol or Nyquil.

Curtain Rods - lmao

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air freshener were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods!

You Gotta Love this!