Funny Maxine Jokes.. these are always so hilarious.
Showing posts with label Hilarious Similes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hilarious Similes. Show all posts
Deck of Playing Cards for the Women
A Perfect deck of playing cards - for those with a bit of a sick sense of humour for twisted jokes. Or at least for the women who have said that men are like a deck of playing cards. lol
Duh... I Dunno
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? OOpps...
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Important Medical Information!
This is hilarious medical news!
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Gentle Thoughts For Today
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle...it makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is... a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time...but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight...because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is...to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates...is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody...you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong...you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is... so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age...and start bragging about it.
The older we get...the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way...I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth...think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old...when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is...that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful...but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper...It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
A penny saved is... a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time...but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight...because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is...to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates...is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody...you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong...you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is... so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age...and start bragging about it.
The older we get...the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way...I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth...think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old...when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is...that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful...but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper...It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
Most Functional English Word
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. 
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. 
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. 
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. 
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
I was advised to pass this along, if I give a shit; or not to if I don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time to go. I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!
Men are Like..
1. Men are like ....... Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like ....... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ....... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....... Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ....... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ....... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ....... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ....... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....... Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
2. Men are like ....... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ....... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....... Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ....... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ....... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ....... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ....... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....... Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
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