Funniest collection of the most hilarious jokes, videos, pictures, stories, cartoons & more; shared by friends & public. Sure to make anyone crack a laugh. So, get ur sense of "Ha, ha" on & prepare to laugh your booty off!
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and
I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.
Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can
bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass
eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that
I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered
and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned,
is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a
huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
This is the YouTube Video of "I'm Sexy and I Know It". I think it's hilarious. It's quite popular. These guys are too funny.
I found a parody of it called "I'm Homeless and I Know It", which you can see if you go to Funny Song Videos
I'm sure you'll get a laugh out of it. :) Enjoy.
Have you ever had a hairstyle like any of these ones in this YouTube video? Wow, some pretty funny, funky, strange, cool and just totally weird ones let me say. lol.
This is a very interesting read. I have never heard of the Earth's Life Clock or Earth's Clock Of Life before, but I just read this article and was quite intrigued. I thought you readers may find this to be of interest. :) It may not be humorous, but it's fascinating.
An illustration from “The Life and Death of Planet Earth” shows the
authors’ view of the Earth’s clock of life. (Image credit: Donald
Brownlee/Peter Ward)
In its 4.5 billion years, Earth has evolved from its hot, violent birth
to the celebrated watery blue planet that stands out in pictures from
space. But in a new book, two noted University of Washington
astrobiologists say the planet already has begun the long process of
devolving into a burned-out cinder, eventually to be swallowed by the
sun.
By their reckoning, Earth’s “day in the sun” has reached 4:30 a.m.,
corresponding to its 4.5 billion-year age. By 5 a.m., the 1 billion-year
reign of animals and plants will come to an end. At 8 a.m. the oceans
will vaporize. At noon – after 12 billion years – the ever-expanding
sun, transformed into a red giant, will engulf the planet, melting away
any evidence it ever existed and sending molecules and atoms that once
were Earth floating off into space.
“The disappearance of our planet is still 7.5 billion years away, but
people really should consider the fate of our world and have a realistic
understanding of where we are going,” said UW astrophysicist Donald
Brownlee. “We live in a fabulous place at a fabulous time. It’s a
healthy thing for people to realize what a treasure this is in space and
time, and fully appreciate and protect their environment as much as
possible.”
In “The Life and Death of Planet Earth,” Brownlee and UW paleontologist
Peter Ward use current scientific understanding of planets and stars, as
well as the parameters of life, to provide a glimpse of the second half
of life on Earth and what comes after.
This joke's about two Nun's who are told different things by Father John during Saturday night Bath Time. The end result is pretty funny.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord
keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriele's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
What a cute joke this is. I thought it was quite humorous. lol
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David Aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Edmonton Oilers but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'
A middle aged married man and a married woman were having an affair and wanted to get a room, but the hotels were asking for $200/per room even for a short time; so they ended up going to a Sexologist Doctor and said that they had a sexual issue and they wanted him to watch whilst they did it. After it was over Doctor said they were quite okay and presented a bill for $100, which the man quickly paid it. This went on for quite some time as they went to his clinic every week. Ultimately Doctor couldn't resist anymore and asked them why they were paying $100 to him every week when their was perfect and both of them had pleasure at the same time within 10-15 minutes.
The man responded, "Doc, the hotels here charge $200 whereas you only charge us $100 with a bill for your consultancy which is accepted by the insurance company who also reimburse us $85; so I'm only out of pocket $15 and both us have pleasure without any problems at all".
Doctor replied, "Okay please carry on as long as you wish, but stay out of trouble".
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
****************************************
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
****************************************
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
****************************************
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
This vacation rental commercial featuring 'UNITARD', the superhero of the vacation rental industry, is a funny way to reach out to travelers across the world about the better benefits of a vacation rental. It’s certainly one humorous way to the point across and spread the word.
I was shocked to learn that you could rent a whole house, condo or villa for just half the cost of a hotel! There are some absolutely amazing lake vacation rentals, ski vacation rentals, golf vacation rentals, and of course beach vacation rentals everywhere in the world. It makes me want to take a vacation right now after browsing through them.
Check out this funny vacation rental commercial. It gave me a good chuckle and incentive to get a vacation rental whenever I go on vacation. To see all the amazing vacation rentals available, visit Vacation Rental.org
Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days.
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was the trip?'
'It was great, Dad.'
'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked..
'Oh yeah,' said the son.
'So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?' asked the father.
The son answered:
'I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs..
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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