- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
- You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
- You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
- You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
- You start using smileys in your snail mail.
- Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.
Showing posts with label Memory. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Memory. Show all posts
Are You Addicted to the Net?
Top Signs of Net Addiction
Mischievous Old Grandmas
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
Some Musings On Old Age
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also,
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also,
Girlie Wisdom
1. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
2. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
3. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
7. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
8. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
10. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
11. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
12. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
13. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
14. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
2. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
3. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
7. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
8. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
10. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
11. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
12. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
13. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
14. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Browsing Old Cemeteries
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
Well, I Forgot
Earlier today, I approached an old lady who was sitting on a park bench crying her eyes to find out what was wrong.
She said, "I've got a young 24 year old husband at home who makes love to me every morning and then prepares me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I asked, "Well, why are you crying though?"
She replied, "He also makes me homemade soup and my favorite brownies with ice cream for lunch; then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I again asked, "Wow, I don't see why you'd be crying?"
She said, "For dinner he prepares me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me all night and through part of the morning."
"Well, why in the world are you crying? Why aren't you at home then?"
She responded, "That's the problem, I forgot where I live!"
She said, "I've got a young 24 year old husband at home who makes love to me every morning and then prepares me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I asked, "Well, why are you crying though?"
She replied, "He also makes me homemade soup and my favorite brownies with ice cream for lunch; then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I again asked, "Wow, I don't see why you'd be crying?"
She said, "For dinner he prepares me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me all night and through part of the morning."
"Well, why in the world are you crying? Why aren't you at home then?"
She responded, "That's the problem, I forgot where I live!"
Our Childhood in Black and White
Go all the way to the bottom past the pictures. I think you'll enjoy it.
Whoever wrote this, described childhood to a T.
Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.'
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE .. And risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option . Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah ... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front step, just before he fell off Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
Whoever wrote this, described childhood to a T.
Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.'
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE .. And risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option . Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah ... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front step, just before he fell off Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
A Woman's Brain
Ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
It's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man, of course, has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
It's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man, of course, has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
Gentle Thoughts For Today
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle...it makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is... a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time...but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight...because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is...to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates...is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody...you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong...you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is... so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age...and start bragging about it.
The older we get...the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way...I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth...think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old...when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is...that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful...but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper...It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
A penny saved is... a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time...but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight...because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is...to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates...is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody...you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong...you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is... so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age...and start bragging about it.
The older we get...the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way...I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth...think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old...when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is...that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful...but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper...It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
It Pays to be a bit Senile
A couple is celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They go down to
their old school. There, in a corner, they hold hands as they find their old desk where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On the way home, a bag of money falls out of the armored car in front of them. She picks it up and counts fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And when they get home she hides it in the attic.
The next day, two FBI men show up at their home. They say,"Pardon me, did any one in this house find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "My wife is lying, she took the money and hid it in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit senile."
So they sit the man down and begin to question him.
The FBI guy says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, my wife and I were on our way home from school..."
their old school. There, in a corner, they hold hands as they find their old desk where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On the way home, a bag of money falls out of the armored car in front of them. She picks it up and counts fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And when they get home she hides it in the attic.
The next day, two FBI men show up at their home. They say,"Pardon me, did any one in this house find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "My wife is lying, she took the money and hid it in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit senile."
So they sit the man down and begin to question him.
The FBI guy says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, my wife and I were on our way home from school..."
Newleyweds
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again, he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
Alzheimer's - it has its advantages.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again, he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
Alzheimer's - it has its advantages.
Elderly Family
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
![[Valid Atom 1.0]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_uamQ_p534jlUSp7Oroc5TPlgltmdM2a_WlJeCP8tdCz1yLii5qCPCCUVyMZdIIQydserWK8AE83ZdWLDXkhp9FsDeQGplLFBmmH9-tpbyE7XIBc1mrILl9=s0-d "Validate my Atom 1.0 feed")
