Seamus, The Newfoundland Farmer

Newfie farmer....(can't fool those Newfies)

Newfoundland farmer named Seamus was in a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,

Air Canada Flight

After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 193, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto ... the weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the Intercom:
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Newfie passenger yelled, 'Lard tunderin Jesus b'y ... you should see the back of mine!'

What's the Fastest Thing you Know Of?

Here is one for your Canadian buddies...

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A thought.
It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of.'

'That's very good,' replied the interviewer.
'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.

'Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!,' said the second man.
'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!', said the interviewer.
'The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed.'

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn
comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

'It's hard to beat the speed of light.', he said.

Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.

'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea,' said the Newfie.

'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh, I can explain,' said the Newfie.
'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants.'

He got the job.


Are you laughing? I know you are.

Two Newfies Go Camping

Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.

After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer".

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it!! I'm not friggin' going!!!!"

Just Because I'm From Newfoundland...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind of windows.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

"Helllooooo?"

Now just because I'm from Newfoundland doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves.

"Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a Newfoundlander anymore....

Newfie Chippendales

I think this is hilarious although my dad is apparently a Newfie (lol). I don't even know him. Newfie jokes don't bother me; nor do blonde jokes although I'm blonde. I love a good joke no matter what it's in reference to (so long as it's not revolting or hateful of coarse)

Newfie

Newfie

A Southern Baptist Minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St.John's.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for a Lambs Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Southern Baptist Minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust....."I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said:

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."