One Day When Heaven Became Crowded

One day in Heaven, it became quite crowded, so a decision was made for just one day to only accept those people who passed away while having a very bad day.

At the pearly gates of Heaven, St. Peter stood and said to the first man, "Tell me about your day and how you died."

The man replied, "Oh, it was terrible. I was convinced that my wife was having an affair with another man, so I went home early expecting to catch her with him. I looked everywhere in our apartment, but had no luck finding him anywhere. I then went out on the balcony, way up on the 25th floor, and found some guy literally hanging over the edge by just his fingertips. I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and hammered his hands. He ended up falling and landed in the bushes below. After that, I went to the fridge and was so angered that I managed to push it over the balcony and watched it crush the guy. The strain of the act caused me to have a heart attack, which ended up killing me."

St. Peter could not deny that this man had a pretty bad day, and seeing that it was a crime of passion, he allowed the man into Heaven.

Next man in line was asked the same question about how his day was when he died.

"Well, sir, it was painful and brutal. "I was exercising on the balcony of my apartment on the 26th floor, doing aerobics when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grip onto the balcony of the apartment below, then some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I ended up falling and luckily landed in the bushes. All of a sudden, the same maniac pushed his refrigerator off the balcony and it crushed me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and thought to himself that he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about your day and how you died?” he said to the third man waiting in line to get into Heaven.

"Well okay, picture me purely naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Another Funny Trojan Commercial - Twisted Though! LOL

Sure seems to be a lot of funny Trojan commercials lol. Here's another! lol

Who I'd Assign a Certain Caller Ringtone to and Why

I love caller ringtones because they can have a special meaning to someone in your life who calls you often. Those who call end up listening to a song you assigned to them instead of a plain, bland ring that has no meaning.

If I were to assign an EMI or Warner Artist ringtone to someone, it would have to the "Waking Up In Vegas (Video Mix)" Ringtone by Katy Perry - (katy perry ringtones) to my ex-boyfriend because he was caught cheating on me in Vegas with a dominatrix. After I learned of his infidelity, he tried to make it up to me by buying me fancy gifts and jewelery, etc. He must have either figured I was 'THAT' stupid, or he himself was 'THAT' smart. I'm sure he'd like to think he was that smart. (lol)

I certainly wasn't going to give in to him after that, but he's still tries on several occasions to call me and get back with me. I find it funny actually that he still does, so I feel this ringtone would be a perfect one to assign to him.

On the other hand, I love the comedy ringtones as well and would assign one by Family Guy to my daughter called "Chris Mom, Look At Me", because she's always tapping and poking at me to get my attention. She's just the funniest, cutest little princess, but has a lot of energy and spunk when it comes to demanding paying her attention regardless of what I'm doing at the time. Having said that, the "Chris Mom, Look At Me" would be a perfect ringtone to assign to her.

Almost Caught

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from

Blonde and the Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting... "What's up?" she asks.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy! Mummy!
Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is

Transfer Pain Of Birth

A married couple went to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. [full joke]

Gone Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and ... {full joke}

Murphy's Hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than deal with divine retribution, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

Secretary Machine

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

Too Funny

Too Funny

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

Curtain Rods - lmao

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air freshener were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods!

You Gotta Love this!

6th Sense

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my God, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side!
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched
The clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home, his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on the porch!