Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a
whole week of personal training at the local health club for me!!!! I
am so excited!!!!
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. Oh, wow, a real Barbie
doll!!!
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started
my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The
only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
STAIR MONSTER. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other stupid stuff too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda
was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny model to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I
hate that awful Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would punch her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda
left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel. Yes, even my thumbs hurt. For heaven's sake, my
HAIR hurts!!!!
SUNDAY:
I'm
having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little idiot) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! Or Godiva
chocolates!!!!
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also,
A Cape Bretoner is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Cape Breton baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Cape Bretoner just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Cape Breton baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Cape Breton baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you, so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father
A man had a great passion for baked beans, trouble was they had the usual adverse effect on him so his wife rarely made them. This particular day was his birthday so he went for a secret lunchtime bean feast as a birthday present to himself. By the time he had finished work he was farting like a good one.
After he thought his wind had stopped he carried on home.His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
'It's amazing that you can tel l all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter', she says. 'I'll take it!'
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets out a fart.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The clerk rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
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