A good friend of mine sent me this hilarious joke, who got it from http://www.activejokes.com. I hope you get a good laugh out of it..
You know how they do gigs on radio shows sometimes? Well, this is what happened on this particular radio show one day; it was live:
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If they are, then the person is asked three private, personal questions and the significant others name as well as their work number. If the significant other answers each question the same, then they are winners.
This particular day it got real interesting and very funny:
DJ: "HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: "What is your name? First name only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Are you married or what Brian?"
Brian: "Yep."
DJ: "Yes? Does this mean you are 'married' or what, Brian?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes I'm married."
DJ: "Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what's your wife's name? First only please, Brian."
Brian: "Sara."0
DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work right now?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes she is at work."0
DJ: "All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She's gonna kill me."
DJ: "BRIAN! Stay with me here man."
Brian: "About 8 this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Okay, Question #2: How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You must really want that trip huh? No one would ever have admitted that if it there weren't a trip at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, it would be really nice."
DJ: "Okay, final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I ummmmm..."
DJ: "Ooh this sounds good Brian; where was it?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time."
DJ: "Ooooooh, sneaky boy!"
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great? That's more adventurous than the last hundred times I've done it. Anyway, (speaking to the audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." (Advertisements)
DJ: (Speaking to the audience) "Let's call Sara, shall we?" (Touch tones...*ringing*)
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while anyway. He's also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, sooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No."
DJ: "Good."
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the Hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay?"
Sara: "Oh, Brian."
DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World."
Sara: "All right."
Brian: (laughing)
DJ: "All right, when did you have sex last, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian...this morning before going to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "About 8, I think." (sound effect) DING DING DING.
DJ: "Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last?"
Sara: "Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, maybe 14 minutes I think." DING DING DING.
DJ: "Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood."
DJ: "Last question: where did you do it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!?"
Brian: "Just tell him honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
Sara: "Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "SHE SAW?!?!"
Sara: "BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!"
Brian: "NO, no she didn't."
DJ: "Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. What's your answer?"
Sara: "Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on honey, it's for a trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?"
Sara: "In the ass." (long pause)
DJ: "We will be right back." (advertisements)
DJ: "I'm sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida. Congratulations guys!"
Showing posts with label funny joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny joke. Show all posts
Funny IRS Audits Grandpa Joke
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
Funny Bran Flakes Joke
There was a couple that were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself..'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f.....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
A Funny Christmas to Treasure And Always Remember
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go; you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas!
Source: Thanks to Duncan R for sharing this funny joke.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go; you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas!
Source: Thanks to Duncan R for sharing this funny joke.
Jim's Anniversary Present - Funny Short Joke
Jim was in trouble. He had forgotten that the next day was his Wedding Anniversary.
His wife was getting quite fumed suspecting that her husband forgot. She ended up advising him, "Tomorrow morning, I trust I will find a present from you in our driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BEST BE THERE!!"
So, the next morning arrived and Jim got ready and left for work bright and early.
When Jim's wife awoke, she scrambled to to window to peek and see if her husband took her to heart. Low and behold, she sure enough took notice of a box that was gift-wrapped right in the middle of the driveway.
Somewhat confused, Jim's wife threw on her robe and ran out to the driveway. She brought the box into the house. She opened it and found a brand spanking new bathroom weight scale.
Since then, Jim has been missing...
I thought this joke was quite hilarious. It's not meant to offend anyone, so please don't be. It's only a joke...meant to be funny and make you laugh. Please laugh with me. :) Thanks much, Cheers.
Funny Birthday - Dear Diary Joke
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a
whole week of personal training at the local health club for me!!!! I
am so excited!!!!
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. Oh, wow, a real Barbie doll!!!
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started
my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The
only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the STAIR MONSTER. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stupid stuff too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda
was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny model to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I
hate that awful Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would punch her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda
left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel. Yes, even my thumbs hurt. For heaven's sake, my
HAIR hurts!!!!
SUNDAY:
I'm
having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little idiot) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! Or Godiva
chocolates!!!!
Source: http://www.squidoo.com/funny-emails2
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. Oh, wow, a real Barbie doll!!!
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started
my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo hoo!!Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The
only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the STAIR MONSTER. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stupid stuff too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda
was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny model to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I
hate that awful Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would punch her with it.Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda
left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel. Yes, even my thumbs hurt. For heaven's sake, my
HAIR hurts!!!!SUNDAY:
I'm
having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little idiot) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! Or Godiva
chocolates!!!!Source: http://www.squidoo.com/funny-emails2
A Humorous 5-Minute Management Course
Lessons To Be Learned - The 5-Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and
(3) When you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This Ends The 5 Minute Management Course
Source: E-mailed to me by Duncan, thanks for sharing this Duncan :)
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and
(3) When you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This Ends The 5 Minute Management Course
Source: E-mailed to me by Duncan, thanks for sharing this Duncan :)
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Pick The Best Dog
Which Dog is Best?
All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.
Murphy's Mothers Laws
Some funny "Murphy's Law" laws for you to ponder...
I thought these were pretty funny because they are mostly true. :) There's more on the following site source(s):
Source: http://www.humorcolumnist.com & http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-Mothers.htm
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
- Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't.
- A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
- Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
- Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.
- Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
- The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
- The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
- If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't.
- The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
- If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them.
- Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.
- Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
- If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
- You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try.
- Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
- The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
I thought these were pretty funny because they are mostly true. :) There's more on the following site source(s):
Source: http://www.humorcolumnist.com & http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-Mothers.htm
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
A Silly Bullfrog Trick
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The rat again starts to pound out the blues on the little piano. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to
$500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Source: Adam G. on http://www.funny.com
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The rat again starts to pound out the blues on the little piano. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to
$500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Source: Adam G. on http://www.funny.com
A.A.A.D.D - Know The Symptoms!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking
I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking
I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
Some Last Words
Browsing Old Cemeteries
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some funny fascinating and hilarious things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some funny fascinating and hilarious things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
An Italian Boy's Confession
This could only happen with a little Italian kid..
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Maria Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her...'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. '
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
4 months vacation and five good leads.
Who Enjoys a Certain 'Act' More; Women or Men?
Time to really test your sense of humor.
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this--When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Thanks to Rich Costick for sharing this hilarious joke!
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this--When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Thanks to Rich Costick for sharing this hilarious joke!
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
Saturday Night Bath - Funny Joke About Nuns
This joke's about two Nun's who are told different things by Father John during Saturday night Bath Time. The end result is pretty funny.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord
keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriele's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord
keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriele's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
Poor Little David - Funny Joke About Classroom Stories
What a cute joke this is. I thought it was quite humorous. lol
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David Aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Edmonton Oilers but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David Aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Edmonton Oilers but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'
Grandma's Birth Control Pills
This joke is pretty funny. It's about a grandmother who uses birth control pills to help her sleep at night. lol.
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
Laughter Is the Master Of ALL Medicine
What are your thoughts on laughter and what types of things make you laugh the most? I'd love to hear from you. Even if you have a funny story or something that you wish to share. I'd be most happy to post it here with your permission. Or just share your views of laughter and humor. We need more of it (I think) because it's so vital to our lives.
I've heard somewhere before that human beings are the only species that are capable of laughter, but I recently heard that laughter is believed to have evolved from our ancient primate ancestors "panting behavior". Instead of laughing like humans, apes pant when tickled or play socially.
Other animals make different sounds when playing, but they are so different that it's difficult to equate them with laughter like humans. For instance, rats make high-pitched vocal sounds when playing or tickled.
On average, most adults laugh about 17 times per day. Children laugh more because they play more.
Everyone laughs, yet not all of us find the same things to be funny. Additionally, we find different things to be humorous at different stages of our life.
Laughing 100 times is equivalent to a 10 minute work out on a rowing machine, or 15 minutes on an exercise bike according to scientific studies.Laughter can benefit us physically, psychologically and physiologically.
Laughing not only exercises our facial muscles, it also exercises the abdomen, respiratory, diaphragm, leg and back muscles. It's the easiest form of exercise there is.
Laughter also benefits us by reducing stress levels, lowering blood pressure, providing a coping mechanism for handling undesirable situations, promotes healing, increases vascular blood flow and oxygenation of the blood and it improves our metal health overall.
We can't just simply make a decision to laugh, laughter happens unconsciously. Laughter is hard to fake; even though we can consciously inhibit it, it's not as if we consciously produce it.
We laugh when we hear sounds of laughter because it's also very contagious.
We find jokes to be funny for many of different reasons. Sometimes they make us feel superior to others, they can reduce anxiety-provoking situations, but the most popular theory is due to of incongruity; when we are surprised at the end.
May you laugh lots, live happily, stay healthy and enjoy life always. :0)
P.S. Don't forget to share some of your thoughts if you don't mind please. Just leave a comment here. Thanks so much.
I've heard somewhere before that human beings are the only species that are capable of laughter, but I recently heard that laughter is believed to have evolved from our ancient primate ancestors "panting behavior". Instead of laughing like humans, apes pant when tickled or play socially.
Other animals make different sounds when playing, but they are so different that it's difficult to equate them with laughter like humans. For instance, rats make high-pitched vocal sounds when playing or tickled.
On average, most adults laugh about 17 times per day. Children laugh more because they play more.
Everyone laughs, yet not all of us find the same things to be funny. Additionally, we find different things to be humorous at different stages of our life.
Laughing 100 times is equivalent to a 10 minute work out on a rowing machine, or 15 minutes on an exercise bike according to scientific studies.Laughter can benefit us physically, psychologically and physiologically.
Laughing not only exercises our facial muscles, it also exercises the abdomen, respiratory, diaphragm, leg and back muscles. It's the easiest form of exercise there is.
Laughter also benefits us by reducing stress levels, lowering blood pressure, providing a coping mechanism for handling undesirable situations, promotes healing, increases vascular blood flow and oxygenation of the blood and it improves our metal health overall.
We can't just simply make a decision to laugh, laughter happens unconsciously. Laughter is hard to fake; even though we can consciously inhibit it, it's not as if we consciously produce it.
We laugh when we hear sounds of laughter because it's also very contagious.
We find jokes to be funny for many of different reasons. Sometimes they make us feel superior to others, they can reduce anxiety-provoking situations, but the most popular theory is due to of incongruity; when we are surprised at the end.
May you laugh lots, live happily, stay healthy and enjoy life always. :0)
P.S. Don't forget to share some of your thoughts if you don't mind please. Just leave a comment here. Thanks so much.
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