A Funny Christmas to Treasure And Always Remember

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go; you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas!

Source: Thanks to Duncan R for sharing this funny joke.

Guilty Of Stereotyping Older People - Funny Short Joke

Here's another Gooder! LOL

Have you ever been guilty of looking at someone your age and thinking to yourself, 'Surely I can't look That Old'?

WELL....

I'm Alice and I was sitting in a chair in the waitiing room at my dentist's office for the first time. I took notice of his diploma, with his full name on it.

Suddenly, I happened to remember a handsome, dark-haired, tall guy in my highschool with the same me for about 30 or so years ago!

Could He be the same guy I went to school with and even had a secret crush on? Way Back Then?

When I seen him, however, I instantly discarded any such thoughts.

This guy was balding, had grey hair with deep lined facial indents. He had to be way too old to have been my classmate.

After my teeth examination, I ended up asking him anyways if he went to St. Peters High School.

"Yes, Yes, I did. I'm A Mustang," He gleamed with pride.

"What year did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1975, he answered. Why do you ask?"

"You were in MY class!, I exclaimed.

He closely looked at me and then that Ugly, Balding, Grey-Haired, S.O.B, Fat Ass, asked: "What did you Teach?"

Lol, it's amazing how some people age a lot faster than others. It's funny how we perceive others to older than they are, yet older than we think we look. Haha.

Samples Please

There was an old man who went to his doctor for his yearly physical exam with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor entered the examination room, he told the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man replied, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and hollered: "WHAT?" "What did he just say? What does he want?"

His wife hollered back, "He needs your underwear."

Source: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Medical-Jokes/Need-Samples.html

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Tattoo Funny Facts

Some funny facts about Tattoos I stumbled upon here.

1. A restaurant in Ohio that specializes in burgers offers a lifetime 25% discount for people who have a tattoo of a cheeseburger on their body.
2. Women love to get tattooed more than men.
3. Scientifically, getting a tattoo is a medical procedure.
4. Once, thomas edition invented a machine, that finally turned out to be used as a tattoo machine after being modified by samuel o’reilly in 1891.
5. In 2005, a lady named Kimberly Smith was paid $10k to get a tattoo by the name “palace.com” on her forehead. This amount helped her pay her daughter’s education fees.
6. 6. Thomas edison had 5 dots that looked like the dots on a dice. The dots were on his left forearm.
7. People in many traditions get their children tattoed to protect them from evil spirits and energies.
8. At NYC’s, anil gupta is considered the most expensive tattoo artist who charges more than $300 per hour.
9. Tattooing has been used as a way of smuggling secret messages across enemy lines in times of war.
10. The oldest tattooed body known is a Bronze Age man over 5,000 years old, discovered in a glacier in the mountains near Austria.
11. In 13th century China, tattooing was used to brand criminals.
12. The most common body area for tattooing is the upper or lower arm.

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A.A.A.D.D - Know The Symptoms!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

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Bob Rescues Choking Woman - Funny Video

This video is hilarious. I had read a joke about this happening called "Bob Rescues Woman From Choking", but I hadn't seen the video of it until now. I got good laugh out of it and hope you do too. :)

 

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Poor Paddy

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day & most of the night.

Mick, the bartender, says "You won't be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy." Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" he cries.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . . I'm fockin' focked," says he.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed."

Again he pulls himself up by the door frame, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' pissed, and how did you know?"

"Mick the bartender phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."