Funny Perfect Timing Pictures

Here are some hilarious pictures that were taken at the perfect moment and look funny.

The Orange, Lemon and Egg Magic Trick by Criss Angel - Amazing Magic Trick on Video

This is one of the most amazing tricks I've ever seen. Criss Angel does some mind baffling magic. This video is stunning.

Funny Irish Birth Control Joke

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Funny Bran Flakes Joke

There was a couple that were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. 

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself..'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f.....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Mischievous Kid

Here's a funny joke about a mischievous kid (grandchild) acts out during a shopping trip and his grandpa tries to maintain his sanity.

There's a woman in a grocery store who happens to take notice of a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year old grandson at every turn.

It was obvious gramps had his hands full with the mischievous kid, screaming out for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we won't be long; easy boy.'

Another outburst and the woman hears gramps calmly say, 'It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here; hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the shopping cart and gramps again in a controlled voice said, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed, the woman went up to gramps as he's loading his grandchild and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, I realize it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' replied gramps, 'But I'm Albert . . . the little tyrant's name is Johnny.'

 Check out more short funny jokes.

Funny Looking Veggies And Fruit

Have you ever seen really funny looking veggies that just happen to grow that funny looking? Well, here's some in case you haven't seen these before. There's more funny looking veggies as well as fruit if you go to Funny Looking Vegetables And Veggie Art. I find these to be very humorous and sure you will too. :)

More Funny Pictures

Hello all you jokesters, I hope you like the newest funny pics I've added here.

To see the rest go to the page Funny Collection of Pictures

Before And After Photos Of Celebrities

Just put some pics of before and afters of celebrities. Check them out at Before And After Celeb Photos.html Here's a peek:

Short Funny Joke About Friends Kids Careers

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's fantabulous! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

One Day When Heaven Became Crowded

One day in Heaven, it became quite crowded, so a decision was made for just one day to only accept those people who passed away while having a very bad day.

At the pearly gates of Heaven, St. Peter stood and said to the first man, "Tell me about your day and how you died."

The man replied, "Oh, it was terrible. I was convinced that my wife was having an affair with another man, so I went home early expecting to catch her with him. I looked everywhere in our apartment, but had no luck finding him anywhere. I then went out on the balcony, way up on the 25th floor, and found some guy literally hanging over the edge by just his fingertips. I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and hammered his hands. He ended up falling and landed in the bushes below. After that, I went to the fridge and was so angered that I managed to push it over the balcony and watched it crush the guy. The strain of the act caused me to have a heart attack, which ended up killing me."

St. Peter could not deny that this man had a pretty bad day, and seeing that it was a crime of passion, he allowed the man into Heaven.

Next man in line was asked the same question about how his day was when he died.

"Well, sir, it was painful and brutal. "I was exercising on the balcony of my apartment on the 26th floor, doing aerobics when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grip onto the balcony of the apartment below, then some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I ended up falling and luckily landed in the bushes. All of a sudden, the same maniac pushed his refrigerator off the balcony and it crushed me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and thought to himself that he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about your day and how you died?” he said to the third man waiting in line to get into Heaven.

"Well okay, picture me purely naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Your Dog Is Keeping Me Awake - Funny Short Joke

John, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:00 A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
John thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:00 A.M., John called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."

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Some Funny True Signs

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Funny Patent Joke

This joke is funny! I hope you find the humor in it too. Comment if you like.

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."

"A fottle?

That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Source: Squido 

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

Witty Things To Say

For those of you looking for some witty things to say...

• He who laughs last , didn't get it 
• Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
• Politicians and diapers have 1 thing in common; they should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason
• I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. By Lily Tomlin
• Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. By Evan Esar
• Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. By P. Poundstone
• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
• Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing. - Alexander Woollcott 
• Jerome K. Jerome: "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. By Will Rogers
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
• Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

There's some really funny witty things to say here also... they are hilarious one liner jokes. Enjoy :)

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

Funny Prank - Baby For Sale

Imagine walking into a pet store or just walking by one and taking notice of a baby inside the window stating "For Sale"? People's reactions are quite funny towards this prank. Check it out for yourself. I think this video is hilarious.

 

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

Hilarious, Funny Smart Phone Auto Correct Messages

Ever been the website called damnyouautocorrect? It's hilarious. These so called 'smart phones' and their spell check is not so smart after all. Here's some of what I mean below (LOL). These messages that come out of auto corrections are just too funny. If you have a smart phone, you'll get a good laugh from these "auto corrects".

Source: damnyouautocorrect 

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Some Funny Cartoons To Laugh At

Here's some funny cartoons for you to get a laugh from. A bit twisted, but meant to be funny.

Death Row For Bad Mice

Should Say Beware of Dog Sniper (lol)

Early Acupuncture in the Bum! Takes Away Other Pain Though

When Fish Whistle, They Fart Bubbles

Smart? Yet Dumb Fish!

Pics Source: Credit to buburuza.net

Could This be the First Politician?

An archaeological team, digging in Washington DC, has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what's believed to be the first Politician.

Source: Thanks To Duncan for sharing this funny joke.

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

A Funny Christmas to Treasure And Always Remember

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go; you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas!

Source: Thanks to Duncan R for sharing this funny joke.

Guilty Of Stereotyping Older People - Funny Short Joke

Here's another Gooder! LOL

Have you ever been guilty of looking at someone your age and thinking to yourself, 'Surely I can't look That Old'?

WELL....

I'm Alice and I was sitting in a chair in the waitiing room at my dentist's office for the first time. I took notice of his diploma, with his full name on it.

Suddenly, I happened to remember a handsome, dark-haired, tall guy in my highschool with the same me for about 30 or so years ago!

Could He be the same guy I went to school with and even had a secret crush on? Way Back Then?

When I seen him, however, I instantly discarded any such thoughts.

This guy was balding, had grey hair with deep lined facial indents. He had to be way too old to have been my classmate.

After my teeth examination, I ended up asking him anyways if he went to St. Peters High School.

"Yes, Yes, I did. I'm A Mustang," He gleamed with pride.

"What year did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1975, he answered. Why do you ask?"

"You were in MY class!, I exclaimed.

He closely looked at me and then that Ugly, Balding, Grey-Haired, S.O.B, Fat Ass, asked: "What did you Teach?"

Lol, it's amazing how some people age a lot faster than others. It's funny how we perceive others to older than they are, yet older than we think we look. Haha.