Funny Joke on Steps to Cook a Turkey

Steps on How to Cook a Turkey

1: Go buy a turkey
2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
3: Put turkey in the oven
4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
7: Turn oven the on
8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
9: Turk the bastey
10: Whiskey another bottle of get
11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
14: Take the oven out of the turkey
15: Floor the turkey up off the pick
17: Turk the carvey
18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Source: http://www.jokecenter.com (It's been modified slightly)

Starting Salary for a College Grad

Here's a great, funny short joke ...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you expecting?"

The Engineer replied, "I was thinking about $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package of course."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental benefits, company matching retirement fund up to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - let's say perhaps, a cherry red Corvette?"

The Engineer stood strait up and said, "Wow, Dear God! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Funny Irish Birth Control Joke

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Mischievous Kid

Here's a funny joke about a mischievous kid (grandchild) acts out during a shopping trip and his grandpa tries to maintain his sanity.

There's a woman in a grocery store who happens to take notice of a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year old grandson at every turn.

It was obvious gramps had his hands full with the mischievous kid, screaming out for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we won't be long; easy boy.'

Another outburst and the woman hears gramps calmly say, 'It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here; hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the shopping cart and gramps again in a controlled voice said, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed, the woman went up to gramps as he's loading his grandchild and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, I realize it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' replied gramps, 'But I'm Albert . . . the little tyrant's name is Johnny.'

 Check out more short funny jokes.

Short Funny Joke About Friends Kids Careers

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's fantabulous! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

One Day When Heaven Became Crowded

One day in Heaven, it became quite crowded, so a decision was made for just one day to only accept those people who passed away while having a very bad day.

At the pearly gates of Heaven, St. Peter stood and said to the first man, "Tell me about your day and how you died."

The man replied, "Oh, it was terrible. I was convinced that my wife was having an affair with another man, so I went home early expecting to catch her with him. I looked everywhere in our apartment, but had no luck finding him anywhere. I then went out on the balcony, way up on the 25th floor, and found some guy literally hanging over the edge by just his fingertips. I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and hammered his hands. He ended up falling and landed in the bushes below. After that, I went to the fridge and was so angered that I managed to push it over the balcony and watched it crush the guy. The strain of the act caused me to have a heart attack, which ended up killing me."

St. Peter could not deny that this man had a pretty bad day, and seeing that it was a crime of passion, he allowed the man into Heaven.

Next man in line was asked the same question about how his day was when he died.

"Well, sir, it was painful and brutal. "I was exercising on the balcony of my apartment on the 26th floor, doing aerobics when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grip onto the balcony of the apartment below, then some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I ended up falling and luckily landed in the bushes. All of a sudden, the same maniac pushed his refrigerator off the balcony and it crushed me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and thought to himself that he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about your day and how you died?” he said to the third man waiting in line to get into Heaven.

"Well okay, picture me purely naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Your Dog Is Keeping Me Awake - Funny Short Joke

John, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:00 A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
John thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:00 A.M., John called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

Funny Patent Joke

This joke is funny! I hope you find the humor in it too. Comment if you like.

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."

"A fottle?

That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Source: Squido 

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

Could This be the First Politician?

An archaeological team, digging in Washington DC, has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what's believed to be the first Politician.

Source: Thanks To Duncan for sharing this funny joke.

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

How To Tell When It's Time For A Vacation

Take this little Stress Test to find out whether you need a vacation.

I am not sure exactly how this works, but this is amazingly accurate.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at the Mayo Clinic and later at Fletcher Medical Center in Burlington.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress will find many differences between the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may need to take a vacation.

No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out of it alive anyway.

Source: Thanks to Cathy for sharing this funny stress test joke

Jim's Anniversary Present - Funny Short Joke

Jim was in trouble. He had forgotten that the next day was his Wedding Anniversary. His wife was getting quite fumed suspecting that her husband forgot. She ended up advising him, "Tomorrow morning, I trust I will find a present from you in our driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BEST BE THERE!!" So, the next morning arrived and Jim got ready and left for work bright and early. When Jim's wife awoke, she scrambled to to window to peek and see if her husband took her to heart. Low and behold, she sure enough took notice of a box that was gift-wrapped right in the middle of the driveway. Somewhat confused, Jim's wife threw on her robe and ran out to the driveway. She brought the box into the house. She opened it and found a brand spanking new bathroom weight scale. Since then, Jim has been missing... I thought this joke was quite hilarious. It's not meant to offend anyone, so please don't be. It's only a joke...meant to be funny and make you laugh. Please laugh with me. :) Thanks much, Cheers.

Have You Heard Of This New Women's Ass Size Study?

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married  him anyway.

Source: My good old friend, Cathy e-mailed this funny joke to me. Thanks for sharing this funny joke, Cathy lol :)

Can You Memorize These Computer Acronyms?

1. PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
2. ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
3. APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
4. SCSI = System Can't See It
5. DOS = Defective Operating System
6. BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
7. IBM = I Blame Microsoft
8. DEC -Do Expect Cuts
9. CD-ROM
10. Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
11. WWW = World Wide Wait
12. MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
13. PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
14. COBOL = Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
15. AMIGA = A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
16. LISP = Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
17. MIPS = Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
18. WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
19. GIRO = Garbage In Rubbish Out
20. MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

Source:  http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Computer-Jokes/Computer-Acronyms.html

Who's The Smartest Man in the World - Joke

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."


Source: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Lawyer-Jokes/Smartest-Man-in-the-World.html

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers! 

Samples Please

There was an old man who went to his doctor for his yearly physical exam with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor entered the examination room, he told the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man replied, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and hollered: "WHAT?" "What did he just say? What does he want?"

His wife hollered back, "He needs your underwear."

Source: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Medical-Jokes/Need-Samples.html

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers! 

Murphy's Mothers Laws

Some funny "Murphy's Law" laws for you to ponder...

• Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't.
• A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper. 
• Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself. 
• Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it. 
• Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent. 
• The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is. 
• The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten. 
• If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't. 
• The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you. 
• If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them. 
• Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing. 
• Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
• If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
• You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try. 
• Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it. 
• The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.

I thought these were pretty funny because they are mostly true. :) There's more on the following site source(s):

Source: http://www.humorcolumnist.com & http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-Mothers.htm

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!  

Talk About Jabby!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Source: http://www.mustsharejokes.com

Why Men Can Pee Standing Up

An Italian Boy's Confession

This could only happen with a little Italian kid..

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned..  I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Maria Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her...'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. '

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.

Reasons Why I Play Golf

Why I play Golf: