Funny Job Application Letter or Resume

Imagine getting this funny job application letter or Resume, the guy who wrote it should apply for a comedian position

Source: http://twitpic.com/6z4jq7/full

Starting Salary for a College Grad

Here's a great, funny short joke ...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you expecting?"

The Engineer replied, "I was thinking about $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package of course."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental benefits, company matching retirement fund up to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - let's say perhaps, a cherry red Corvette?"

The Engineer stood strait up and said, "Wow, Dear God! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Worse Job in the World

Haha, this is hilarious.

"I Hate My Job" Days

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days.

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in

Technical Support Calls

The following are a number of transcribed conversations to technical support departments:

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Christine says: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my
desk.. Sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and --.
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

==============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

==============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies..

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer:

Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last, but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Mickey, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P " to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

What's the Fastest Thing you Know Of?

Here is one for your Canadian buddies...

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A thought.
It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of.'

'That's very good,' replied the interviewer.
'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.

'Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!,' said the second man.
'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!', said the interviewer.
'The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed.'

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn
comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

'It's hard to beat the speed of light.', he said.

Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.

'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea,' said the Newfie.

'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh, I can explain,' said the Newfie.
'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants.'

He got the job.


Are you laughing? I know you are.

If You Curse at Work

Dear Employees:

It's been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the department have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to some complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided below so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7 ... {full joke}

Bragging About Kids

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a ...{full joke}

Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the offiser job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Certain men and all the ladies.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a offiser but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN
nikname Beefy

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.