One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house.
Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down.
Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sleigh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatened "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.
Source: http://www.jokecenter.com
Showing posts with label special occasion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label special occasion. Show all posts
Some Funny True Signs
Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
Great Video of Funny Pictures Taken at the Right Time And Place
Here's a great video of funny pictures taken at the right time and place. A lot of "OOh's and Aww's"..
A Funny Christmas to Treasure And Always Remember
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go; you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas!
Source: Thanks to Duncan R for sharing this funny joke.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go; you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas!
Source: Thanks to Duncan R for sharing this funny joke.
Get Vistaprint Coupons For Your Printing Needs
This should make you smile if you're trying to save money on any printing needs such as business cards, invitations, brochures, holiday cards, letterhead and much more. Get Vistaprint coupons or Vistaprint coupon codes as well as Vistaprint free shipping code through this website.
They've also got coupons for 1-800-flowers.com, 1800Contacts, Abebooks, Aeropostale, Amazon, American Eagle, Apple Store, Ashford, Babies R Us, Barnes and Noble, BestBuy.com, Blair, Bloomingdales, Blue Nile, Boden, Buy.com, Cabela's, Chadwicks, Circuit City, Cooking.com, Crucial, Dell, Dell Small Business, Dicks Sporting Goods, Discount Tire, Disney Shopping, Eddie Bauer, eToys, Expedia, Finish Line, FootSmart, Gap, Gateway, Guitar Center, Home Depot, Liz Claiborne, LL Bean, Lowes, Macys, Medifast, Metrostyle, Musicians Friend, Nutrisystem, Office Depot, Old Navy, Orbitz, Overstock, PETsMART, ProFlowers, Road Runner Sports, Staples, Target,
Things Remembered, Tiger Direct, Toys R Us, Vision Direct, Walmart, Weight Watchers and many others.
There's even many freebies they give away such as free desk calendars, business cards, hats & T-Shirts, notepads, rubber stamps, sticky notes and also vinyl banner signs!
It's a reputable site that's been online since 2001, so perhaps you already know of them, but if not, check them out today and see what deals you can find.
I'm always looking for deals so I'm glad I discovered this site and hope you will be too when you visit.
They've also got coupons for 1-800-flowers.com, 1800Contacts, Abebooks, Aeropostale, Amazon, American Eagle, Apple Store, Ashford, Babies R Us, Barnes and Noble, BestBuy.com, Blair, Bloomingdales, Blue Nile, Boden, Buy.com, Cabela's, Chadwicks, Circuit City, Cooking.com, Crucial, Dell, Dell Small Business, Dicks Sporting Goods, Discount Tire, Disney Shopping, Eddie Bauer, eToys, Expedia, Finish Line, FootSmart, Gap, Gateway, Guitar Center, Home Depot, Liz Claiborne, LL Bean, Lowes, Macys, Medifast, Metrostyle, Musicians Friend, Nutrisystem, Office Depot, Old Navy, Orbitz, Overstock, PETsMART, ProFlowers, Road Runner Sports, Staples, Target,
Things Remembered, Tiger Direct, Toys R Us, Vision Direct, Walmart, Weight Watchers and many others.
There's even many freebies they give away such as free desk calendars, business cards, hats & T-Shirts, notepads, rubber stamps, sticky notes and also vinyl banner signs!
It's a reputable site that's been online since 2001, so perhaps you already know of them, but if not, check them out today and see what deals you can find.
I'm always looking for deals so I'm glad I discovered this site and hope you will be too when you visit.
Cute Video Clip of a Couple of Kids Dancing Ballet - Inspiring
Incredibly cute video of a ballet couple. Must See for yourself; I was in 'aww' and inspired watching how talented this cute couple are.
Can You Run On Water? It's Called Liquid Mountaineering, Very Cool
This is awesome - Liquid Mountaineering. Run on water without any sort of magic. Very Cool.
Another Funny Trojan Commercial - Twisted Though! LOL
Sure seems to be a lot of funny Trojan commercials lol. Here's another! lol
Vodka Cures
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.
The stuff dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.
The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.
The alcohol cleanses the scalp,removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag
and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers,
fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth
to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor,
wash your feet with vodka.
13. Vodka will disinfect
and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy
to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.
Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And silly me!
I used to drink the shit!
Class Project That Went Wrong
An elementary school class begun a class project making planters to take home to their parents.
They wanted to plant something in them that would be easy to take care of, so they decided to plant cactus plants.
Each of the students were given green-ware pottery planters with clown shapes which they painted nicely with glaze.
All of the clown planters were professionally fired during a class outing so they could see the process.
It was a lot of fun!
They planted cactus seeds in the clown planters after and they grew quite nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home after all. Instead, the cactus's were removed and replaced with small ivy and the kids were allowed to then take them home.
Well, the teacher said that cactus plants seemed like a good idea at the time, but the outcome....
They wanted to plant something in them that would be easy to take care of, so they decided to plant cactus plants.
Each of the students were given green-ware pottery planters with clown shapes which they painted nicely with glaze.
All of the clown planters were professionally fired during a class outing so they could see the process.
It was a lot of fun!
They planted cactus seeds in the clown planters after and they grew quite nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home after all. Instead, the cactus's were removed and replaced with small ivy and the kids were allowed to then take them home.
Well, the teacher said that cactus plants seemed like a good idea at the time, but the outcome....
Mischievous Old Grandmas
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
Two Wolves
This is so true, best explanation of life I've ever heard.
TWO WOLVES
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
TWO WOLVES
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Amazing Sand Castle Pictures From Oregon's Sand Competition
These pictures were sent to me via e-mail by a good friend. They are so inspiring and amazing to see because of the extreme talent it takes to create such master pieces.
This year's sand castles competition in Oregon - stunning...the best yet!
This year's sand castles competition in Oregon - stunning...the best yet!
Cape Bretoner's New 25lbs Baby Boy
A Cape Bretoner is drinking in a New York Cape Breton Cape Bretoner just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Cape Breton Cape Breton
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