Funny Patent Joke

This joke is funny! I hope you find the humor in it too. Comment if you like.

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."

"A fottle?

That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Source: Squido 

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

35 Tips On How To Relieve, Avoid And Reduce Stress

Although a good sense of humor can't cure everything, it does prove to have many benefits to laughter, therefore, relieving stress. 

Here's 35 ways to Relieve, Avoid And Reduce stress:
Into each life some stress must fall. But when "some" turns into "too much", try a few of these stress building tips.

Stress can be related to unhappy or happy events. It can be triggered by trivial matters as well as major life crises. It also builds up gradually when you have more things to do than time in which to do them. Some doctors believe that 90% of all illnesses are stress related. But stress is not necessarily bad. A life without it would be stagnant and boring.

There are many practical ways to avoid, reduce or relieve stress.

Relieving Stress:

1. Touch - hold hands, stroke a pet, hug someone you love. Physical contact is one of the best stress relievers there is.
2. Find fun ways that are enjoyable to exercise. Breathe deep, stretch your muscles often, skip rope, go for a bike ride, jog - do something active and fun.
3. Get things that are troubling off your chest. Bottling up feelings increase stress. Feel free to rant or complain, express your disappointment, if someone hurts your feelings, tell them.
4. Talk to an understanding friend or loving relative. A sympathetic listener can be quite helpful. They become "band-aid friends". A band-aid friend helps prevent you from bleeding to death. You must find one if you don't already have one!
5. Schedule more fun. Don't give up seeing friends and doing the things you enjoy because you "have too much to do." Work goes faster and produces less stress when fun is a part of your life.
6. Get a Massage. Treat yourself and notice your tension melt away under the touch of experienced fingers. Even a talented amateur such as a friend can do a great job.
7. Prepare yourself to be patient and wait. Long lines anywhere or a delay at the dentist's office is almost pleasant with a great book in hand.
8. Find the Humor in everything. Every disaster has something funny about it.
9. Lower your standards to be more relaxed. Doing everything perfectly is not only unnecessary, it's boring. Ignore some of the dirt.
10. Get help with jobs you struggle with. Whether it's paying bills, defrosting the refrigerator, cleaning out the oven...whatever it is, beg, barter or pay someone to help; it's worth it.
11. Establish a Serene Island of your own - a comfortable chair in a corner will do, or get propped up in bed with a book or watch some TV.
12. Change your perspective. This can be tricky, but instead of worrying about what will happen if, try asking yourself "So what?" So what if a birthday gift is late. Late is better than never. Even if our worst fears are realized, they often turn out to be not as bad as we perceived or thought.
13. Count your blessings. No disaster is so bad that it couldn't be worse - it truly helps to remember that in any bad situation. 
14. Unclutter your life. Get rid of things you never use; activities you don't enjoy. Anything you can do to simplify your life helps reduce stress.
15. Pamper Yourself.
16. Get plenty of rest and sleep; our body and mind need this to recoup.
17. Learn to use relaxation techniques.
18. Find a new hobby. Or, if you have one you gave up on, try getting involved with it again.
19. Search the Internet for good joke websites that contain a variety of funny jokes, funny pictures and funny videos. You can use the Google search embedded on this blog (near the top right corner) for funny jokes galore or whatever you feel in the mood for that you think will make you laugh. If you haven't seen the most hilarious, funniest Maxine jokes, you must see them. You can see some of them if you click here. I hope you get a huge laugh as I and so many others have and still do.

Ways to Avoid Stress:

20.  Try getting up earlier in the morning. Give yourself an extra 15 minutes to help avoid morning mishaps.
21. Prepare for morning the night before. This way you will not be scrambling in the morning and feel rushed to get prepared for your day.
22. Never wear ill or tight fitting clothes. Shoes that pinch or a waistband that binds can be bothersome and stressful all day.
23. Don't rely on your memory. Practice making notes for yourself on things to do and remember.
24. Practice preventative maintenance. Keep automobiles, heaters, air conditioners, washers, dryers, etc., cleaned and serviced. You'll find you'll have fewer breakdowns.
25. Make duplicates of all keys. Exchange house and car keys with a trusted neighbor or hide them where you alone can get to them.
26. Say 'No" more often. Learn to turn down invitations, requests and activities you have no interest in; without feeling bad or guilty. 
27. Walk everywhere you can. Exercise has a soothing effect.
28. Play games with your kids if you have any, or loved ones such as trusting family members. Make up new games or change up the game rules on an existing game to add some spunk. It's creative and can be very humorous for all.

Points to Remember:


29. Trust your irritation level.
30. Be patient.
31. Take one step at a time.
32. There are unlimited options.
33. Coping skills are learned so they can be changed.
34. Increase your available skills.
35. Self-responsibility is required.

I hope these tips on how to reduce stress in your life  help you. Just remember, life's too short to be miserable and consumed by everyday stresses.

Live your life to its fullest (Carpe diem - a phrase from a Latin poem by Horace that has become an aphorism. It is popularly translated as "seize the day". Carpe literally means "to pick, pluck, pluck off, cull, crop, gather", but Ovid used the word in the sense of, "to enjoy, seize, use, make use of".  

(Source of the above last paragraph on Carpe Diem: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carpe_diem)

Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts on this topic. I'm sure you have more Stress reducers you can add to this list. There's plenty of ways to reduce stress, it's just a matter of finding what works for you.

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

Poor Little David - Funny Joke About Classroom Stories

What a cute joke this is. I thought it was quite humorous. lol

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David Aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Edmonton Oilers but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

How Long for a Haircut?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' 

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How long before I can get a haircut?' 
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left. 
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' 

Worse Job in the World

Haha, this is hilarious.

Bubba Had Shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor..

An hour later

Almost Caught

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from

Welfare Office

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to

Ranch Hand

A successful Saskatchewan rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into Swift Current and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he

Seamus, The Newfoundland Farmer

Newfie farmer....(can't fool those Newfies)

Newfoundland farmer named Seamus was in a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,

Kitty Story

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew..

Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she's staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" He asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma." She replies in a weak voice.
"What the Hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

A Child's View Of Retirement

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear nametags because they don't know who they are.

Funny Union Rules

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules"

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."