This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
What's the Fastest Thing you Know Of?
Here is one for your Canadian buddies...
Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A thought.
It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of.'
'That's very good,' replied the interviewer.
'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.
'Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!,' said the second man.
'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!', said the interviewer.
'The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed.'
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn
comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
'It's hard to beat the speed of light.', he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea,' said the Newfie.
'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh, I can explain,' said the Newfie.
'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants.'
He got the job.
Are you laughing? I know you are.
Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A thought.
It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of.'
'That's very good,' replied the interviewer.
'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.
'Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!,' said the second man.
'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!', said the interviewer.
'The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed.'
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn
comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
'It's hard to beat the speed of light.', he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea,' said the Newfie.
'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh, I can explain,' said the Newfie.
'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants.'
He got the job.
Are you laughing? I know you are.
What Do You Think This Photo Taken From NASA Could Be?
Very interesting photo taken by NASA. Really does look like a human eye in the universe ... could it be of the one and only? I don't know, but it sure is amazing.
Comments Made 53 Years Ago
Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 25 cents a pack is ridiculous..
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to mail a letter
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
'Did you see 'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ..
where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Our Childhood in Black and White
Go all the way to the bottom past the pictures. I think you'll enjoy it.
Whoever wrote this, described childhood to a T.
Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.'
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE .. And risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option . Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah ... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front step, just before he fell off Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
Whoever wrote this, described childhood to a T.
Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.'
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE .. And risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option . Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah ... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front step, just before he fell off Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
Sick Of Wife Staying Home While I Work Every Day!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'
Pics Of My Daughters (Savannah) 5th Birthday Party
My daughter just turned 5 years old on March 12th/09. Can't believe how fast time has flown by these past 5 years. It's insane, really. lol. Well, we took some pictures of her birthday and just wanted to share them with you. So, here they are. Went from Thursday March 12th until Saturday March 14th! Out of several pics, here's just a few :-)
Balloons covered the floor so when Savannah woke up, she would have to climb through them to get to her presents (lol).
Caught the cat jumping through the balloons on the web cam.
Savannah's surprised expression.
Here's Savannah's cake, My Mom made it, yummy orange and strawberry.
Savannah and me taking some pics on the computer.
Another one of the 2 of us smiling.
My Princess Savannah showing off.
What a bad pic, was supposed to look like we were on a roller coaster, but this mac never did seem to work proper when trying out these effects. lol
Savannah making her silly face.
This is weird, the yellow shirt in the middle is actually Tavin, my nephew and his sister Quin standing behind him. Savannah giving him a funny look. Can't see any other part of him lol.
Kids were having a blast taking pics on the computer. Savannah's on the left, Tavin on top and Quin on the right.
Savannah and Quin, her cousin. So sweet.
Uncle Andrew (my younger brother) with Quin. She really was getting a kick out of the funny effects that made Uncle Andrew and her look hilarious.
And another silly one, that's me in the back.
They loved this swirl effect... neat.
This one is just weird lol. I painted all our faces for fun.
All of us, Tavin on the left, Savannah, Quin, and myself. Yep, painted my face too.. lol
Another one of the 3 of us. This kept the kids quite amused.
This was also very strange, the arms are actually of Quin. Cool effect, just squeezed her together, and made 2 of everything. lol.
This last one is of my older brother and his wife making faces for the cam. Was fairly far away, so isn't very clear.
Balloons covered the floor so when Savannah woke up, she would have to climb through them to get to her presents (lol).
Caught the cat jumping through the balloons on the web cam.
Savannah's surprised expression.
Here's Savannah's cake, My Mom made it, yummy orange and strawberry.
Savannah and me taking some pics on the computer.
Another one of the 2 of us smiling.
My Princess Savannah showing off.
What a bad pic, was supposed to look like we were on a roller coaster, but this mac never did seem to work proper when trying out these effects. lol
Savannah making her silly face.
This is weird, the yellow shirt in the middle is actually Tavin, my nephew and his sister Quin standing behind him. Savannah giving him a funny look. Can't see any other part of him lol.
Kids were having a blast taking pics on the computer. Savannah's on the left, Tavin on top and Quin on the right.
Savannah and Quin, her cousin. So sweet.
Uncle Andrew (my younger brother) with Quin. She really was getting a kick out of the funny effects that made Uncle Andrew and her look hilarious.
And another silly one, that's me in the back.
They loved this swirl effect... neat.
This one is just weird lol. I painted all our faces for fun.
All of us, Tavin on the left, Savannah, Quin, and myself. Yep, painted my face too.. lol
Another one of the 3 of us. This kept the kids quite amused.
This was also very strange, the arms are actually of Quin. Cool effect, just squeezed her together, and made 2 of everything. lol.
This last one is of my older brother and his wife making faces for the cam. Was fairly far away, so isn't very clear.
Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 66.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 66.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
Amazingly Talented Ventriloquist, Terry Fator
This Terry Fator fella is an amazingly talented ventriloquist. If you enjoy watching ventriloquists, you will love to see this.
Should Children Witness Childbirth
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'
Little Johnny Notices a car in the Woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Redneck Vasectomy
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
(this is hilarious, please do not take personal, it's only a joke)
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure works in Tennessee, Oklahoma, Kentucky, Indiana, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia , Florida, West Virginia ....and Washington DC .
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
(this is hilarious, please do not take personal, it's only a joke)
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure works in Tennessee, Oklahoma, Kentucky, Indiana, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia , Florida, West Virginia ....and Washington DC .
Importance of Walking
- Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
- My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old, and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to actually go there.
- Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
- I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill was enough.
- We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our skulls. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
- Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Funny Drunken Story of the Month
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, Looks at the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says..
'Grandpa, Go home! You're drunk again.....!!!!
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, Looks at the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says..
'Grandpa, Go home! You're drunk again.....!!!!
Maxine's Found Her Match
Meet Marvin, Men's answer to Maxine!!!
Men strike back!How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle it!
AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...
What Starts With F And Ends With K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry y waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principa l: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he ... (full joke)
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry y waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principa l: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he ... (full joke)
The Soldier and the Nun
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he requested, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls; I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls; I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
Quickest Way to dig up a Garden Plot
Ukrainian Tomato Garden
An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Edmonton.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was very hard to turn over for an 80 year old. His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan penitentiary for an extended sentence.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Walter,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like back in the old days.
Love,
Tato
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Tato,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Walter
At 4 a.m. the next morning, RCMP and local Edmonton police arrived and dug up the entire backyard area without finding any bodies. They finally apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Tato,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Walter
An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Edmonton.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was very hard to turn over for an 80 year old. His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan penitentiary for an extended sentence.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Walter,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like back in the old days.
Love,
Tato
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Tato,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Walter
At 4 a.m. the next morning, RCMP and local Edmonton police arrived and dug up the entire backyard area without finding any bodies. They finally apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Tato,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Walter
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