- You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
- Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
- Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
- Talk is cheap, but that's okay, so are you.
- If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder, it would be an apocalypse!
- This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
- I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
- When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
- A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
- Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
- Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
- Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
- Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
- Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
- Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
- He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
- I bet you get bullied a lot.
- I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
- I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
- I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
- I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
Showing posts with label Funny Quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Quotes. Show all posts
Funny, Sarcastic, Witty Quotes
Here's some awfully funny, sarcastic and witty quotes:
Check out uberhumor.com's Funny Photos and other Funny Content
Do you like to laugh? Is laughing healthy? How can uberhumor's pics help you get your dose of daily joy?
Well, they have a huge collection of funny photos, videos & pictures you must check out if you enjoy laughing. Everyone needs a good laugh now and again to relieve some stress and this site uberhumor.com contains a bunch of funny content that's sure to make you and your friends laugh. It's updated daily and nicely categorized so you can find what's most appealing to you. I got some great laughs from every link I clicked on within the site and believe you will too if you've got a good sense of 'ha, ha' :)
Ever seen a porcupine that thinks it's a puppy? Or a baby dolphin in the womb? Or a fellow walking his fish? lol, well, if not you can now at uberhumor.com along with many other unique funny video's and pictures. See for yourself, visit their site, kick back, relax and get a good laugh! Cheers to good health and humor!
Well, they have a huge collection of funny photos, videos & pictures you must check out if you enjoy laughing. Everyone needs a good laugh now and again to relieve some stress and this site uberhumor.com contains a bunch of funny content that's sure to make you and your friends laugh. It's updated daily and nicely categorized so you can find what's most appealing to you. I got some great laughs from every link I clicked on within the site and believe you will too if you've got a good sense of 'ha, ha' :)
Ever seen a porcupine that thinks it's a puppy? Or a baby dolphin in the womb? Or a fellow walking his fish? lol, well, if not you can now at uberhumor.com along with many other unique funny video's and pictures. See for yourself, visit their site, kick back, relax and get a good laugh! Cheers to good health and humor!
Some Last Words
Browsing Old Cemeteries
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some funny fascinating and hilarious things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some funny fascinating and hilarious things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
Funny, Witty One Liners - Best I've Heard
100 Funny, Witty One Line Gooders
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- Who stopped payment on my reality check?
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
- Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- Born Free - Taxed to Death.
- Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
- A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
- Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
- I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!
- Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
- The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
- I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
- Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
- Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
- Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
- If you can't convince them, confuse them.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Hilarious Signs
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a
Browsing Old Cemeteries
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
I Quit
Dear friends and family,
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking...
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
Maxine's Good Housekeeping Tip
THIS SURE SOLD ME!
I AM GOING
TO THE DOLLAR STORE TODAY
& GET A DOZEN!
Good Housekeeping Tip
Another Maxine Tip ...
Always keep several
get well cards on the mantle...
So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.
TO THE DOLLAR STORE TODAY
& GET A DOZEN!
Good Housekeeping Tip
Another Maxine Tip ...
Always keep severalget well cards on the mantle...
So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.
Gentle Thoughts For Today
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle...it makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is... a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time...but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight...because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is...to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates...is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody...you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong...you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is... so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age...and start bragging about it.
The older we get...the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way...I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth...think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old...when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is...that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful...but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper...It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
A penny saved is... a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time...but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight...because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is...to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates...is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody...you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong...you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is... so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age...and start bragging about it.
The older we get...the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way...I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth...think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old...when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is...that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful...but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper...It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
Thank God I'm not with a Leaf Fan
Please do not be offended by this as it's meant to be funny, that's all. Should you be offended however, just contact me and I will remove this post all together as you wish. Thanks for your cooperation. I do hope you will find the humor in it though. :) Cheers. :) Bonnie
Top 20 Bumper Stickers for Women
TOP 20 BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMEN
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS
FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS
FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
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