Funny, Witty One Liners - Best I've Heard

100 Funny, Witty One Line Gooders

1. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
2. What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
3. Who stopped payment on my reality check?
4. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
5. I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
6. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
7. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
8. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. Born Free - Taxed to Death.
11. Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
12. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
14. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
15. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
17. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
18. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
19. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
20. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
21. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
22. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
23. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
24. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
25. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
26. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
27. Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
28. I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!
29. Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
30. The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
31. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
32. If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
33. If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
34. I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
35. Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
36. Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
37. Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too.
38. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
39. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
40. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
41. Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
42. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
43. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
44. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
45. Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
46. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
47. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
48. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
49. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
50. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
51. Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
52. Mind intentionally left blank.
53. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
54. U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!
55. Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!
56. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
57. Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
58. Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
59. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
60. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
61. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
62. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
63. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
64. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
65. Honk if you want to see my finger.
66. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
67. I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
68. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
69. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
70. If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
71. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
72. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
73. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
74. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
75. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.
76. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
77. Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
78. I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.
79. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
80. Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?
81. You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
82. Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
83. It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
84. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
85. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
86. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
87. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
88. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
89. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
90. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
91. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
92. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
93. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
94. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
95. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
96. Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Good Doggie", while looking for a bigger stick.
97. How does Teflon stick to the pan?
98. Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
99. Death is hereditary.
100. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

These are some of the most hilarious witty sayings I have ever heard.