Your Dog Is Keeping Me Awake - Funny Short Joke

John, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:00 A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
John thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:00 A.M., John called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

Jim's Anniversary Present - Funny Short Joke

Jim was in trouble. He had forgotten that the next day was his Wedding Anniversary. His wife was getting quite fumed suspecting that her husband forgot. She ended up advising him, "Tomorrow morning, I trust I will find a present from you in our driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BEST BE THERE!!" So, the next morning arrived and Jim got ready and left for work bright and early. When Jim's wife awoke, she scrambled to to window to peek and see if her husband took her to heart. Low and behold, she sure enough took notice of a box that was gift-wrapped right in the middle of the driveway. Somewhat confused, Jim's wife threw on her robe and ran out to the driveway. She brought the box into the house. She opened it and found a brand spanking new bathroom weight scale. Since then, Jim has been missing... I thought this joke was quite hilarious. It's not meant to offend anyone, so please don't be. It's only a joke...meant to be funny and make you laugh. Please laugh with me. :) Thanks much, Cheers.

Have You Heard Of This New Women's Ass Size Study?

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married  him anyway.

Source: My good old friend, Cathy e-mailed this funny joke to me. Thanks for sharing this funny joke, Cathy lol :)

Can You Memorize These Computer Acronyms?

1. PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
2. ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
3. APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
4. SCSI = System Can't See It
5. DOS = Defective Operating System
6. BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
7. IBM = I Blame Microsoft
8. DEC -Do Expect Cuts
9. CD-ROM
10. Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
11. WWW = World Wide Wait
12. MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
13. PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
14. COBOL = Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
15. AMIGA = A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
16. LISP = Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
17. MIPS = Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
18. WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
19. GIRO = Garbage In Rubbish Out
20. MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

Source:  http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Computer-Jokes/Computer-Acronyms.html

Who's The Smartest Man in the World - Joke

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."


Source: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Lawyer-Jokes/Smartest-Man-in-the-World.html

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers! 

Samples Please

There was an old man who went to his doctor for his yearly physical exam with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor entered the examination room, he told the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man replied, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and hollered: "WHAT?" "What did he just say? What does he want?"

His wife hollered back, "He needs your underwear."

Source: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Medical-Jokes/Need-Samples.html

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers! 

Murphy's Mothers Laws

Some funny "Murphy's Law" laws for you to ponder...

• Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't.
• A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper. 
• Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself. 
• Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it. 
• Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent. 
• The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is. 
• The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten. 
• If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't. 
• The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you. 
• If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them. 
• Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing. 
• Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
• If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
• You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try. 
• Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it. 
• The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.

I thought these were pretty funny because they are mostly true. :) There's more on the following site source(s):

Source: http://www.humorcolumnist.com & http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-Mothers.htm

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!  

Talk About Jabby!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Source: http://www.mustsharejokes.com

Why Men Can Pee Standing Up

An Italian Boy's Confession

This could only happen with a little Italian kid..

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned..  I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Maria Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her...'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. '

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.

Reasons Why I Play Golf

Why I play Golf:

Who Enjoys a Certain 'Act' More; Women or Men?

Time to really test your sense of humor.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this--When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

Thanks to Rich Costick for sharing this hilarious joke!

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!  

Poor Little David - Funny Joke About Classroom Stories

What a cute joke this is. I thought it was quite humorous. lol

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David Aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Edmonton Oilers but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

Grandma's Birth Control Pills

This joke is pretty funny. It's about a grandmother who uses birth control pills to help her sleep at night. lol.

 

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!

Do NOT, Under ANY Circumstances Talk to my Parrot!

I thought this was pretty humorous when I read it. A good joke, a little twisted though, lol. 

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

Hilarious Various Short Quotes

Blonde Lands On Sun

An American, Russian, and Blonde were talking one day. The American said, "we were the first on the moon!"

The Russian then turned and said, "We were the first to travel to space!"

The Blonde chimed in and said, "Yeah, so what? We're going to be the first to land on the sun!"

Both the American and Russian looked at one another and shook their heads. "It's impossible to land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up in a flash before you even reach it!"

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We are going to go at night!"

At the Doctors Office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and complained that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"That's impossible!" said the doctor. "Show me."

So, the redhead took her finger, pushed down on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She proceeded to push down on her knee and again screamed; likewise she pushed down on her ankle and screamed. Sure enough everywhere on her body she touched made her scream in pain.

The doctor looked into her eyes and said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, not really no, I'm a true blonde actually."

"I figured so." the doctor replied. "you're finger is actually broken."

Blonde Gets Stopped For Speeding

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her politely to show him her license.

The blonde replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and now today you expect me to show you it!"

Blonde Walking Along The River

Another funny blonde joke for those who like them...

A blonde was out walking along the river getting some exercise when she spots another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she hollers, "how can I get to the other side?"

The other blonde glances up the river and then down the river and hollers back, "You ARE on the other side!"