Guess What This Could Be

Can you guess what the heck this thing is on the plate? Pretty freaky looking!! Maybe the girl is making something with it for a school project or a good April Fools joke on someone. lol

Source: www.warnet.ws

One Day When Heaven Became Crowded

One day in Heaven, it became quite crowded, so a decision was made for just one day to only accept those people who passed away while having a very bad day.

At the pearly gates of Heaven, St. Peter stood and said to the first man, "Tell me about your day and how you died."

The man replied, "Oh, it was terrible. I was convinced that my wife was having an affair with another man, so I went home early expecting to catch her with him. I looked everywhere in our apartment, but had no luck finding him anywhere. I then went out on the balcony, way up on the 25th floor, and found some guy literally hanging over the edge by just his fingertips. I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and hammered his hands. He ended up falling and landed in the bushes below. After that, I went to the fridge and was so angered that I managed to push it over the balcony and watched it crush the guy. The strain of the act caused me to have a heart attack, which ended up killing me."

St. Peter could not deny that this man had a pretty bad day, and seeing that it was a crime of passion, he allowed the man into Heaven.

Next man in line was asked the same question about how his day was when he died.

"Well, sir, it was painful and brutal. "I was exercising on the balcony of my apartment on the 26th floor, doing aerobics when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grip onto the balcony of the apartment below, then some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I ended up falling and luckily landed in the bushes. All of a sudden, the same maniac pushed his refrigerator off the balcony and it crushed me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and thought to himself that he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about your day and how you died?” he said to the third man waiting in line to get into Heaven.

"Well okay, picture me purely naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty Quotes

Here's some awfully funny, sarcastic and witty quotes:

• You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
• Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
• Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
• Talk is cheap, but that's okay, so are you.
• If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder, it would be an apocalypse!
• This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
• I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
• When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
• A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
• Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
• Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
• Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
• Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
• Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
• Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
• He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
• I bet you get bullied a lot.
• I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
• I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
• I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
• I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.

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Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

A.A.A.D.D - Know The Symptoms!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!  

An Italian Boy's Confession

This could only happen with a little Italian kid..

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned..  I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Maria Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her...'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. '

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.

New Seat belt Law

This new seat belt law became effective OCTOBER 1, 2010.

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%

when the belt is properly installed.

Correct Installation is illustrated below.......

Please pass on to family and friends.

THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

Funny Ice Fishing Video

"OMG" is all I could say to this crazy ice fishing video! I don't really know whether to laugh or cry at this one! Although the title of it is "Funny Ice Fishing Video", I'm not so sure "funny" is the right word for it. Check it out and rate it or leave your thoughts if you like. Does this sort of video make you laugh?

Funny Ice Fishing - The most popular videos are here

Source: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/3025643/funny_ice_fishing/

 

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!

Best Banned Commercial Ever - Very Funny

hahaha.. I wasn't quite sure about this video, but figured it had to have been something other than what most would perceive. Too funny.

Funny Commercial Video

Haha... I got a kick out of this funny commercial. Hope you do too. LOL.

Insanely Hilarious, Sexy Comedian With Unusual Talent

I just watched this hilarious video on YouTube and couldn't believe my eyes AND ears as I watched what this sexy comedian was doing! I'm passing it on to as many folks as possible who enjoy this type of humor. I thought it was a bit nasty at first, then I found myself nearly in tears as she got further into her gig. LOL. It's insanely hilarious. Cheeks are sore from laughing still. Too funny.

Isn't Honesty The Best Policy?

I Like Fried Chicken

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyways, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

When Your Head Is Cold

What's up with the bird nest hat Lady Gaga's wearing in this picture?? lol Very funny looking I must say...or silly. But, I still love Lady Gaga... you go girl!

Bugs Bunny Flashes His Manhood

Watch this video closely just after Bugs Bunny steps out of the shower. it's funny because he reveals his manhood for a peek. lol

Life Saving Pig

There was a salesman who was talking with a farmer when suddenly, this energetic pig with a wooden leg rushes out of the barn, squealing happily and snuggling up against the farmer. Curiosity got the best of the salesman and he grinned and asked: “How come that pig has a wooden leg?” The farmer glared at the salesman and warned him: “You best be careful what you say about this here pig. This pig is very special. I'll tell ya why... about a month ago we had a house fire when my wife and I were sleeping. This here pig came racing across the field, barged his snout against the window and because we heard it, we got saved. This pig saved our lives!” The salesman’s in awe. “Let me tell ya what else happened.

Funny, Witty One Liners - Best I've Heard

100 Funny, Witty One Line Gooders

1. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
2. What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
3. Who stopped payment on my reality check?
4. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
5. I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
6. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
7. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
8. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. Born Free - Taxed to Death.
11. Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
12. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
14. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
15. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
17. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
18. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
19. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
20. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
21. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
22. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
23. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
24. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
25. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
26. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
27. Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
28. I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!
29. Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
30. The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
31. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
32. If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
33. If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
34. I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
35. Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
36. Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
37. Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too.
38. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
39. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
40. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
41. Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
42. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
43. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
44. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
45. Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
46. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
47. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
48. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
49. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
50. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A People's Choice Just For Laughs Gag - Hilarious

♥♥♥ Just For Laughs! People's Choice ♥♥♥

Rectum Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

Great Product Letters

To the makers of Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative,

What's Been Said In Court

Actual things said in court! (Funny)


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

****************************************

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

****************************************

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

****************************************

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

****************************************

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p%ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood..
"Do you