25 Quick, Funny Comebacks to "Why aren't you married yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Source: http://www.funnynewjokes.com/
Showing posts with label Witty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Witty. Show all posts
Your Dog Is Keeping Me Awake - Funny Short Joke
John, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:00 A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
John thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:00 A.M., John called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."
Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
John thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:00 A.M., John called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."
Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
Funny, Sarcastic, Witty Quotes
Here's some awfully funny, sarcastic and witty quotes:
- You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
- Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
- Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
- Talk is cheap, but that's okay, so are you.
- If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder, it would be an apocalypse!
- This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
- I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
- When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
- A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
- Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
- Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
- Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
- Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
- Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
- Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
- He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
- I bet you get bullied a lot.
- I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
- I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
- I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
- I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
Funny Patent Joke
This joke is funny! I hope you find the humor in it too. Comment if you like.
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."
"A fottle?
That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."
"A fottle?
That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Source: Squido
Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
Witty Things To Say
For those of you looking for some witty things to say...
Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
- He who laughs last , didn't get it
- Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
- Politicians and diapers have 1 thing in common; they should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason
- I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. By Lily Tomlin
- Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. By Evan Esar
- Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. By P. Poundstone
- I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
- Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing. - Alexander Woollcott
- Jerome K. Jerome: "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. By Will Rogers
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
- Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life
Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
Could This be the First Politician?
An archaeological team, digging in Washington DC, has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what's believed to be the first Politician.
Source: Thanks To Duncan for sharing this funny joke.
Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
Source: Thanks To Duncan for sharing this funny joke.
Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
Jim's Anniversary Present - Funny Short Joke
Jim was in trouble. He had forgotten that the next day was his Wedding Anniversary.
His wife was getting quite fumed suspecting that her husband forgot. She ended up advising him, "Tomorrow morning, I trust I will find a present from you in our driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BEST BE THERE!!"
So, the next morning arrived and Jim got ready and left for work bright and early.
When Jim's wife awoke, she scrambled to to window to peek and see if her husband took her to heart. Low and behold, she sure enough took notice of a box that was gift-wrapped right in the middle of the driveway.
Somewhat confused, Jim's wife threw on her robe and ran out to the driveway. She brought the box into the house. She opened it and found a brand spanking new bathroom weight scale.
Since then, Jim has been missing...
I thought this joke was quite hilarious. It's not meant to offend anyone, so please don't be. It's only a joke...meant to be funny and make you laugh. Please laugh with me. :) Thanks much, Cheers.
Samples Please
There was an old man who went to his doctor for his yearly physical exam with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor entered the examination room, he told the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man replied, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and hollered: "WHAT?" "What did he just say? What does he want?"
His wife hollered back, "He needs your underwear."
Source: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Medical-Jokes/Need-Samples.html
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
When the doctor entered the examination room, he told the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man replied, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and hollered: "WHAT?" "What did he just say? What does he want?"
His wife hollered back, "He needs your underwear."
Source: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Medical-Jokes/Need-Samples.html
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
Wise Girl Talks to a Stranger on a Plane
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
Some Last Words
Browsing Old Cemeteries
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some funny fascinating and hilarious things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some funny fascinating and hilarious things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
24 Questions From George Carlin
24 questions from George Carlin's warped brain:
1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What's another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do: 'practice'?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
8. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Thanks to Rich Costick for sharing this! Too funny.
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What's another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do: 'practice'?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
8. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Thanks to Rich Costick for sharing this! Too funny.
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
Blonde Gets Stopped For Speeding
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her politely to show him her license.
The blonde replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and now today you expect me to show you it!"
The blonde replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and now today you expect me to show you it!"
Funny 404 Error Messages
We've all encountered 404 error messages trying to go to a link. It's an HTTP status code that indicates a web page can’t be found. Someone got creative and customized their 404 message to be amusingly funny.
Funny, Witty One Liners - Best I've Heard
100 Funny, Witty One Line Gooders
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- Who stopped payment on my reality check?
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
- Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- Born Free - Taxed to Death.
- Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
- A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
- Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
- I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!
- Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
- The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
- I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
- Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
- Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
- Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
- If you can't convince them, confuse them.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Look My Asshole Honey
I laughed so hard watching this hilarious video. I hope you enjoy it as much! lol
Mischievous Old Grandmas
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Trip To COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
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