Funny Bran Flakes Joke

There was a couple that were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. 

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself..'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f.....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

One Day When Heaven Became Crowded

One day in Heaven, it became quite crowded, so a decision was made for just one day to only accept those people who passed away while having a very bad day.

At the pearly gates of Heaven, St. Peter stood and said to the first man, "Tell me about your day and how you died."

The man replied, "Oh, it was terrible. I was convinced that my wife was having an affair with another man, so I went home early expecting to catch her with him. I looked everywhere in our apartment, but had no luck finding him anywhere. I then went out on the balcony, way up on the 25th floor, and found some guy literally hanging over the edge by just his fingertips. I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and hammered his hands. He ended up falling and landed in the bushes below. After that, I went to the fridge and was so angered that I managed to push it over the balcony and watched it crush the guy. The strain of the act caused me to have a heart attack, which ended up killing me."

St. Peter could not deny that this man had a pretty bad day, and seeing that it was a crime of passion, he allowed the man into Heaven.

Next man in line was asked the same question about how his day was when he died.

"Well, sir, it was painful and brutal. "I was exercising on the balcony of my apartment on the 26th floor, doing aerobics when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grip onto the balcony of the apartment below, then some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I ended up falling and luckily landed in the bushes. All of a sudden, the same maniac pushed his refrigerator off the balcony and it crushed me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and thought to himself that he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about your day and how you died?” he said to the third man waiting in line to get into Heaven.

"Well okay, picture me purely naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Some Funny Cartoons To Laugh At

Here's some funny cartoons for you to get a laugh from. A bit twisted, but meant to be funny.

Death Row For Bad Mice

Should Say Beware of Dog Sniper (lol)

Early Acupuncture in the Bum! Takes Away Other Pain Though

When Fish Whistle, They Fart Bubbles

Smart? Yet Dumb Fish!

Pics Source: Credit to buburuza.net

Could This be the First Politician?

An archaeological team, digging in Washington DC, has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what's believed to be the first Politician.

Source: Thanks To Duncan for sharing this funny joke.

Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!

Heve You Ever Heard Of Earth's Life Clock?

This is a very interesting read. I have never heard of the Earth's Life Clock or Earth's Clock Of Life before, but I just read this article and was quite intrigued. I thought you readers may find this to be of interest. :) It may not be humorous, but it's fascinating.

An illustration from “The Life and Death of Planet Earth” shows the authors’ view of the Earth’s clock of life. (Image credit: Donald Brownlee/Peter Ward)
In its 4.5 billion years, Earth has evolved from its hot, violent birth to the celebrated watery blue planet that stands out in pictures from space. But in a new book, two noted University of Washington astrobiologists say the planet already has begun the long process of devolving into a burned-out cinder, eventually to be swallowed by the sun.
By their reckoning, Earth’s “day in the sun” has reached 4:30 a.m., corresponding to its 4.5 billion-year age. By 5 a.m., the 1 billion-year reign of animals and plants will come to an end. At 8 a.m. the oceans will vaporize. At noon – after 12 billion years – the ever-expanding sun, transformed into a red giant, will engulf the planet, melting away any evidence it ever existed and sending molecules and atoms that once were Earth floating off into space.
“The disappearance of our planet is still 7.5 billion years away, but people really should consider the fate of our world and have a realistic understanding of where we are going,” said UW astrophysicist Donald Brownlee. “We live in a fabulous place at a fabulous time. It’s a healthy thing for people to realize what a treasure this is in space and time, and fully appreciate and protect their environment as much as possible.”
In “The Life and Death of Planet Earth,” Brownlee and UW paleontologist Peter Ward use current scientific understanding of planets and stars, as well as the parameters of life, to provide a glimpse of the second half of life on Earth and what comes after.

Some Last Words

Browsing Old Cemeteries

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some funny fascinating and hilarious things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.

Funny Ice Fishing Video

"OMG" is all I could say to this crazy ice fishing video! I don't really know whether to laugh or cry at this one! Although the title of it is "Funny Ice Fishing Video", I'm not so sure "funny" is the right word for it. Check it out and rate it or leave your thoughts if you like. Does this sort of video make you laugh?

Funny Ice Fishing - The most popular videos are here

Source: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/3025643/funny_ice_fishing/

 

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!

Funny, Witty One Liners - Best I've Heard

100 Funny, Witty One Line Gooders

1. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
2. What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
3. Who stopped payment on my reality check?
4. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
5. I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
6. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
7. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
8. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. Born Free - Taxed to Death.
11. Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
12. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
14. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
15. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
17. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
18. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
19. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
20. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
21. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
22. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
23. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
24. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
25. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
26. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
27. Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
28. I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!
29. Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
30. The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
31. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
32. If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
33. If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
34. I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
35. Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
36. Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
37. Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too.
38. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
39. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
40. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
41. Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
42. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
43. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
44. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
45. Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
46. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
47. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
48. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
49. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
50. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Huge Fluffy Pillow

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat

Great Product Letters

To the makers of Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative,

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

Ranch Hand

A successful Saskatchewan rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into Swift Current and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he

Can You Love Too Much?

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.  Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied,

Bumping Holloween Casket

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him...



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....

Women and Shopping

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'


The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

Browsing Old Cemeteries

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================

The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake . To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'


To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Marriage And Divorce In Heaven

A young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident and ended up finding themselves outside of the pearly gates of Heaven where St. Peter was processing souls into Heaven. As they waited, they began wondering if it was possible for them to get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived they inquired if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter replied, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has inquiredd. I'll go find out." and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. While they waited for 2 months, they discussed all the pros and cons.

Should they get married in Heaven if they were allowed, what would be the eternal aspect of it all? "How about if it doesn't work out? Would we be we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat scattered. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what about if things don't work out? Could we get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, angered and red-faced, slammed his clipboard down on the ground.

"What's the matter?" asked the startled, confused couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me THREE months to find a priest up here! Have you ANY clue how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"