Who's The Smartest Man in the World - Joke

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."


Source: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Lawyer-Jokes/Smartest-Man-in-the-World.html

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers! 

Hire An Experienced Lawyer Because Divorce Is No Laughing Matter

We all know that divorce is not a laughing matter, especially when there are children involved. Unfortunately, many children tend to blame themselves for their parents divorce, which is just not right. We need to educate our children more on this touchy subject to make them understand somehow that it is not their fault.

If you are in the process of divorce or considering getting one and you live in the Los Angles area, you probably want to hire the best lawyer who knows what they're doing. Well, this law firm (Stolar & Associates) specialize in Family all law. If you need a california prenuptial agreement or a prenuptial agreement lawyer who will be able to help you, than check out these lawyers at Los Angeles Divorce Lawyers. They understand what families go through when it comes to divorce because they have over 25 years of experience and have helped numerous people with their family lawsuits.

If you don't have a good lawyer chances are you are going to be taken advantage of and walked all over and feel very stuck and unsure of your own self. It's not a good way to feel and live each day. Do it for your children and yourself because you know you deserve the best outcome.

If I were living near Stolar & Associates, I would certainly hire them if I were involved in a divorce. When I separated from my daughters Dad, I wish I could have went through them, but unfortunately I never did get a lawyer and have suffered for it over the past 7 years and counting. I do regret not looking for a great lawyer when I really needed one. Now it's too late for me. Don't be like me in that sense if you want the best for yourself and children.

It can't hurt to try Stolar & Associates out; they do free consultations, so you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. They have so much to offer you and your family.

Here is their contact information:

Stolar & Associates, A Professional Law Corporation
11500 Olympic Blvd. Fourth Floor Los Angeles
(310) 288-1828 http://www.stolar-law.com

I wish you all the best luck in the world with your lawsuit.

Murphy's Mothers Laws

Some funny "Murphy's Law" laws for you to ponder...

• Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't.
• A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper. 
• Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself. 
• Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it. 
• Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent. 
• The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is. 
• The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten. 
• If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't. 
• The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you. 
• If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them. 
• Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing. 
• Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
• If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
• You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try. 
• Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it. 
• The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.

I thought these were pretty funny because they are mostly true. :) There's more on the following site source(s):

Source: http://www.humorcolumnist.com & http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-Mothers.htm

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!  

New Seat belt Law

This new seat belt law became effective OCTOBER 1, 2010.

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%

when the belt is properly installed.

Correct Installation is illustrated below.......

Please pass on to family and friends.

THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

Funny Banned Commercial - Judgement

LOL, this video was banned, sure was funny though.

Blonde Knitting While Driving

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. He was astonished to see when he glanced over that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was completely oblivious to his siren and flashing lights, the trooper cranked his window down, pulled out his bullhorn and yelled, ""PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Blonde Gets Stopped For Speeding

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her politely to show him her license.

The blonde replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and now today you expect me to show you it!"

What's Been Said In Court

Actual things said in court! (Funny)


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

****************************************

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

****************************************

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

****************************************

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

****************************************

Why Not To Take Men Shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

HELLO Tech Support

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; Can you help?'
Operator: Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open..'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the Number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am Traveling in Australia?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change
the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I LOVE THIS ONE!!!

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should
have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline,
which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Understand This?

Let me see if I understand all this...

If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the Iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.

If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally you will be jailed.

If you cross the Chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again.

If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.

Seamus, The Newfoundland Farmer

Newfie farmer....(can't fool those Newfies)

Newfoundland farmer named Seamus was in a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,

The Pope's Limo Driver

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed,"All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop:"Bigger."

Chief:"Governor?"

Cop:"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"

Cop:"Uh...He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Ticked Off The Traffic Cop

I went to the shop the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic cop writing a parking ticket.

So, I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for driving on bald tires!!

So, I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket, put it on the car with the first, and he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about half an hour; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Well, it was okay by me....I didn't give a toot. My car was parked just around the corner.

5 Traffic Fines

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Some men never learn... LOL

Only InTexas

Only in Texas, my friends ... Only in Texas ....Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'


God Bless Texas

Can You Read This Without Laughing?

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he requested, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls; I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

Quickest Way to dig up a Garden Plot

Ukrainian Tomato Garden

An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Edmonton.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was very hard to turn over for an 80 year old. His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan penitentiary for an extended sentence.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Walter,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like back in the old days.

Love,
Tato



A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Tato,

Don't dig up that garden.

That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Walter


At 4 a.m. the next morning, RCMP and local Edmonton police arrived and dug up the entire backyard area without finding any bodies. They finally apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Tato,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.



Love you,
Walter

Marriage And Divorce In Heaven

A young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident and ended up finding themselves outside of the pearly gates of Heaven where St. Peter was processing souls into Heaven. As they waited, they began wondering if it was possible for them to get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived they inquired if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter replied, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has inquiredd. I'll go find out." and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. While they waited for 2 months, they discussed all the pros and cons.

Should they get married in Heaven if they were allowed, what would be the eternal aspect of it all? "How about if it doesn't work out? Would we be we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat scattered. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what about if things don't work out? Could we get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, angered and red-faced, slammed his clipboard down on the ground.

"What's the matter?" asked the startled, confused couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me THREE months to find a priest up here! Have you ANY clue how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"