A Funny Christmas to Treasure And Always Remember

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go; you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas!

Source: Thanks to Duncan R for sharing this funny joke.

Bob Rescues Choking Woman - Funny Video

This video is hilarious. I had read a joke about this happening called "Bob Rescues Woman From Choking", but I hadn't seen the video of it until now. I got good laugh out of it and hope you do too. :)

 

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!

Grandma's Birth Control Pills

This joke is pretty funny. It's about a grandmother who uses birth control pills to help her sleep at night. lol.

 

Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!

Laughter Is the Master Of ALL Medicine

What are your thoughts on laughter and what types of things make you laugh the most? I'd love to hear from you. Even if you have a funny story or something that you wish to share. I'd be most happy to post it here with your permission. Or just share your views of laughter and humor. We need more of it (I think) because it's so vital to our lives.

I've heard somewhere before that human beings are the only species that are capable of laughter, but I recently heard that laughter is believed to have evolved from our ancient primate ancestors "panting behavior". Instead of laughing like humans, apes pant when tickled or play socially.

Other animals make different sounds when playing, but they are so different that it's difficult to equate them with laughter like humans. For instance, rats make high-pitched vocal sounds when playing or tickled.

On average, most adults laugh about 17 times per day. Children laugh more because they play more.

Everyone laughs, yet not all of us find the same things to be funny. Additionally, we find different things to be humorous at different stages of our life.

Laughing 100 times is equivalent to a 10 minute work out on a rowing machine, or 15 minutes on an exercise bike according to scientific studies.Laughter can benefit us physically, psychologically and physiologically.

Laughing not only exercises our facial muscles, it also exercises the abdomen, respiratory, diaphragm, leg and back muscles. It's the easiest form of exercise there is.

Laughter also benefits us by reducing stress levels, lowering blood pressure, providing a coping mechanism for handling undesirable situations, promotes healing, increases vascular blood flow and oxygenation of the blood and it improves our metal health overall.

We can't just simply make a decision to laugh, laughter happens unconsciously. Laughter is hard to fake; even though we can consciously inhibit it, it's not as if we consciously produce it.

We laugh when we hear sounds of laughter because it's also very contagious.

We find jokes to be funny for many of different reasons. Sometimes they make us feel superior to others, they can reduce anxiety-provoking situations, but the most popular theory is due to of incongruity; when we are surprised at the end.

May you laugh lots, live happily, stay healthy and enjoy life always. :0)

P.S. Don't forget to share some of your thoughts if you don't mind please. Just leave a comment here. Thanks so much.

At the Doctors Office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and complained that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"That's impossible!" said the doctor. "Show me."

So, the redhead took her finger, pushed down on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She proceeded to push down on her knee and again screamed; likewise she pushed down on her ankle and screamed. Sure enough everywhere on her body she touched made her scream in pain.

The doctor looked into her eyes and said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, not really no, I'm a true blonde actually."

"I figured so." the doctor replied. "you're finger is actually broken."

Sexologist Visits

A middle aged married man and a married woman were having an affair and wanted to get a room, but the hotels were asking for $200/per room even for a short time; so they ended up going to a Sexologist Doctor and said that they had a sexual issue and they wanted him to watch whilst they did it. After it was over Doctor said they were quite okay and presented a bill for $100, which the man quickly paid it. This went on for quite some time as they went to his clinic every week. Ultimately Doctor couldn't resist anymore and asked them why they were paying $100 to him every week when their was perfect and both of them had pleasure at the same time within 10-15 minutes.
The man responded, "Doc, the hotels here charge $200 whereas you only charge us $100 with a bill for your consultancy which is accepted by the insurance company who also reimburse us $85; so I'm only out of pocket $15 and both us have pleasure without any problems at all".
Doctor replied, "Okay please carry on as long as you wish, but stay out of trouble".

Trip to the Dentist

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

Rectum Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

Bubba Had Shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor..

An hour later

Game On

Lol, this is funny.

Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .
As he was recovering a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said 'I only have a spinster sister who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated

Gynecologist Visit

Very funny - lol

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.
He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor.
He then began to fondle

A Bear, Lion And A Pig Meet

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only

Great Diet

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog Food poisoned me. I told her

Funny British Post Cards

I don't make em' I just pass em' on lol ... thanks to my good friend for e-mailing them to me.

Blonde and the Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting... "What's up?" she asks.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy! Mummy!
Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is

Some Musings On Old Age

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also,

Healing The Sick

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing program on television. The Evangelist called out to all those wanting to be healed and said to put one hand on the TV, the other on whatever body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on it and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the TV set and put one hand on it and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him in disgust and said, "You just don't get it, you old Coot... the purpose of this

Dentist Visit

A patient goes to the dentist and the dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."