Ticked Off The Traffic Cop

I went to the shop the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic cop writing a parking ticket.

So, I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for driving on bald tires!!

So, I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket, put it on the car with the first, and he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about half an hour; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Well, it was okay by me....I didn't give a toot. My car was parked just around the corner.

Designated Drunk

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.