I Like Fried Chicken
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyways, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
Showing posts with label Classroom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Classroom. Show all posts
Class Project That Went Wrong
An elementary school class begun a class project making planters to take home to their parents.
They wanted to plant something in them that would be easy to take care of, so they decided to plant cactus plants.
Each of the students were given green-ware pottery planters with clown shapes which they painted nicely with glaze.
All of the clown planters were professionally fired during a class outing so they could see the process.
It was a lot of fun!
They planted cactus seeds in the clown planters after and they grew quite nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home after all. Instead, the cactus's were removed and replaced with small ivy and the kids were allowed to then take them home.
Well, the teacher said that cactus plants seemed like a good idea at the time, but the outcome....
They wanted to plant something in them that would be easy to take care of, so they decided to plant cactus plants.
Each of the students were given green-ware pottery planters with clown shapes which they painted nicely with glaze.
All of the clown planters were professionally fired during a class outing so they could see the process.
It was a lot of fun!
They planted cactus seeds in the clown planters after and they grew quite nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home after all. Instead, the cactus's were removed and replaced with small ivy and the kids were allowed to then take them home.
Well, the teacher said that cactus plants seemed like a good idea at the time, but the outcome....
Little Ralphy
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
Priceless
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and wondered to yourself, 'surely I can't look THAT old?
Well.... You'll Love This One!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
Well.... You'll Love This One!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
Cute Questions Kids Ask Grandparents
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond .I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.
We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.
She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct.
It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of them out yourself".
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa,"he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what?
We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently.
"It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond .I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.
We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.
She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct.
It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of them out yourself".
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa,"he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what?
We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently.
"It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Interview With The Youth Club Leader
A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:
Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure outing?"
Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them mountain climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting!? That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you agree that's a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they touch any firearms."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"
Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure outing?"
Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them mountain climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting!? That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you agree that's a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they touch any firearms."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"
Which Part of our Body Goes to Heaven First?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her cl ass one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in Front of you, and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming!! I'm coming! If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
The Nun fainted.
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in Front of you, and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming!! I'm coming! If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
The Nun fainted.
What Starts With F And Ends With K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry y waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principa l: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he ... (full joke)
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry y waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principa l: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he ... (full joke)
Hilarious, Witty Smart Ass Answers
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Eddy, seated in front.
"Uh.. What are my choices?" Eddy asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate checking tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she responded, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family, so she asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A police officer stepped out of his car, walked over to the kid he stopped for speeding and gestured him to roll down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
The kid replied, "Oh yeah? Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when he notices a sign that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up, gets out of his car and walks over to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not making it in tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly replies, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Eddy, seated in front.
"Uh.. What are my choices?" Eddy asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate checking tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she responded, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family, so she asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A police officer stepped out of his car, walked over to the kid he stopped for speeding and gestured him to roll down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
The kid replied, "Oh yeah? Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when he notices a sign that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up, gets out of his car and walks over to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not making it in tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly replies, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Shocking Answer
A professor at the University was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions' to his first year medical students. Knowing it wasn't the most pleasant topic, he made an effort to try and lighten the mood a bit.
He pointed to a young lady sitting in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an ... {full joke}
He pointed to a young lady sitting in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an ... {full joke}
Show and Tell Day
Middle Wife - by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher. This is very funny.
I've been teaching for about fifteen years and have two precious kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I encountered in my second grade classroom a few years ago.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always have a few sessions with my students. It actually helps them get over shyness. Normally, show-and-tell is pretty calm and painless. Kids have brought pet turtles, airplane models, pictures of fish they've caught, etc. I never set any boundaries or limitations on what the kids bring. If they want to haul anything into the school and discuss, I say bring it on.
Well, one day a very outgoing and bright little girl, Erica, goes to take her turn and waddles up to the front of the classroom with a pillow shoved under her shirt. She holds up a picture of an infant and says, "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to talk about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my Mommy's tummy, and Luke grew inside there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids watched her in amazement.
Erica continues with her story, "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mommy starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' She puts one hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like 1 hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now this girl's doing a hilarious duck waddle and groaning.) "My Dad called the middle wife who delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mommy to lie down in bed like this. (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall) And then, POP! My Mommy had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and splashed all over the bed, like psschhheew! (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands imitating water flowing away. It was too much!) Then the middle wife started saying, 'push, push, push' and 'breathe, breathe, breathe. They ... {full joke}
I've been teaching for about fifteen years and have two precious kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I encountered in my second grade classroom a few years ago.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always have a few sessions with my students. It actually helps them get over shyness. Normally, show-and-tell is pretty calm and painless. Kids have brought pet turtles, airplane models, pictures of fish they've caught, etc. I never set any boundaries or limitations on what the kids bring. If they want to haul anything into the school and discuss, I say bring it on.
Well, one day a very outgoing and bright little girl, Erica, goes to take her turn and waddles up to the front of the classroom with a pillow shoved under her shirt. She holds up a picture of an infant and says, "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to talk about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my Mommy's tummy, and Luke grew inside there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids watched her in amazement.
Erica continues with her story, "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mommy starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' She puts one hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like 1 hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now this girl's doing a hilarious duck waddle and groaning.) "My Dad called the middle wife who delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mommy to lie down in bed like this. (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall) And then, POP! My Mommy had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and splashed all over the bed, like psschhheew! (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands imitating water flowing away. It was too much!) Then the middle wife started saying, 'push, push, push' and 'breathe, breathe, breathe. They ... {full joke}
Bubble in the Bath
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her introduction, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first”. The boys start giving their introduction.
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. After all, there’s essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next".
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach immature boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please”.
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes”
Teacher "Now that’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...” The most beautiful girl ... {full joke}
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. After all, there’s essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next".
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach immature boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please”.
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes”
Teacher "Now that’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...” The most beautiful girl ... {full joke}
Kissing Mirrors At School
According to a recent news report, a private school in Victoria, BC was recently faced with a strange, but unique problem.
Several of the grade 12 girls were starting to use lipstick and would always put it on in the bathroom. They would then press their lips against the mirror as if they were kissing it; leaving dozens of wee lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man found himself having to clean it over and over as the girls kept putting them back.
Finally the maintenance man went to the school principal and she decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom where they met with the maintenance man. She explained that all their lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to remove them from the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was for the mirror to come clean, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He pulled out a ... {full joke}
Several of the grade 12 girls were starting to use lipstick and would always put it on in the bathroom. They would then press their lips against the mirror as if they were kissing it; leaving dozens of wee lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man found himself having to clean it over and over as the girls kept putting them back.
Finally the maintenance man went to the school principal and she decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom where they met with the maintenance man. She explained that all their lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to remove them from the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was for the mirror to come clean, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He pulled out a ... {full joke}
Kids are Quick
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
________________________________________________________________
Childrens Survey On Beer
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'what they thought of beer.'
7 year old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
7 year old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'
7 year old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
7 year old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'
7 year old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.'
7 year old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer, she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
7 year old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
7 year old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'
7 year old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
7 year old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'
7 year old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.'
7 year old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer, she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
Wee Cowboy Boots
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, '....These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, '....These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Bigger and Bigger
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Pretend Pregnancy
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, pick that pen up for me."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, pick that pen up for me."
Grammar Lesson
Grammar Lesson
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie!", replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Oh that's beautiful, just f***** beautiful!"
Kids Really Do Listen To Their Teachers!!!!!
Kids Really Do Listen To Their Teachers!!!!!
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
![[Valid Atom 1.0]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_u-dtCctvwk2S_Y3dnEu5QCYwKq74LOwQapjinkzEErT_Kjx7cvadHSS3K3lf9fWDCNYxbTx3Rm6XzbUyLzXH_N90FLFgnoKPkwxnDSFmPX3n8zj7i9ZcA9=s0-d "Validate my Atom 1.0 feed")
