Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Important Medical Information!

This is hilarious medical news!

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Pluck Yew

Click on image to enlarge...

Who is JACK SCHITT?

WHO IS JACK SCHITT? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and twins Deap and Dip.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

This Family History recorded by Crock O. Schitt.

First Guy Blonde Joke Ever - Well Worth the Wait! LMAO

We knew it had to happen sooner or later, so here goes the very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned Beef and Cabbage! If I get Corned Beef and Cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too!"

"The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw Corned Beef and Cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the Bologna, and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Corned Beef and Cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Grandma

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

The Hunters and the Lion

These two hunters have been hunting companions for more than 25 years and by now not only knew each other well but also very set in their hunting ways.

One day, while walking through the thick Savannah bush, the one suddenly stopped and started rubbing his stomach.

The other asked him,"what's wrong" on which he replied, "it's my stomach, must have been all the meat that we had for supper last night"

His friend then replied, "now that you mention it, I don't feel that well myself" and promptly they placed their rifles against a nearby bush and squatted for a......? (you know what I mean)

They were still squatted down, when a big old male Lion comes walking around the bush, jerks to a stop when he smells and sees them and growles at them.

Shocked to be caught in this position and without a rifle in his hand, the one hunter nudges the other with the elbow and asks, "Hey Bud, are you scared?". "No", says his buddy, "why do you ask"?

"Well", replied the first, "why then are you wiping my ass?"

Thanks Jannos for these great jokes!

Drink Up

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Dead Rabbit

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

Are you ready for this?)








(Are you sure?)





(This is bad!)











(It's not even a Blonde Joke!)










(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line..)











(You can still click away)











(You know you're gonna be sorry)











(Last chance)










(OK, here it is)







It says,





"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Gorilla Mime

One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts the offer.
So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage.
He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds him flat on his back looking up at the angry lion. The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"

How to Shower (Male Versus Female)

Part 1: How to Shower Like a Woman:

* Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
* Get in the shower.

* Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
* Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

* Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off hair.

* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
* Spray mould spots with Tilex.

* Get out of shower.
* Dry with towel the size of a small country.
* Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
* Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: How to Shower Like a Man:

* Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom.
* If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
* Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
* Get in the shower.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
* Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
* Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
* Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
* Wash your hair.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pee.
* Rinse off and get out of shower.
* Partially dry off.
* Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
* Admire wiener size in mirror again.
* Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

* Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
* If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
* Throw wet towel on her pillow.


If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and... woo-woo!!!

Two Newfies Go Camping

Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.

After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer".

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it!! I'm not friggin' going!!!!"

Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

Bob Rescues Woman From Choking

A woman sitting in a restaurant in St John's, Newfoundland, suddenly began to cough while eating a giant lobster. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two men, Bob and Bill, sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" Asked Bob. The woman signaled "No", desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Bill. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head "No."

With that, Bob walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the womans butt. This shocked the woman and she went into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bob swaggered back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his beer.

Bill said in admiration, toasting Bob, "Ya know bye, I'd heard of dat dere Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Poor Paddy

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day & most of the night.

Mick, the bartender, says "You won't be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy." Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" he cries.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . . I'm fockin' focked," says he.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed."

Again he pulls himself up by the door frame, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' pissed, and how did you know?"

"Mick the bartender phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

To Help Ease the Pain of Your Next Trip to the Pump

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

Compared with Gasoline

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ...... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ...... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ......... .. $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER.. .

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismol or Nyquil.

Just Because I'm From Newfoundland...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind of windows.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

"Helllooooo?"

Now just because I'm from Newfoundland doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves.

"Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a Newfoundlander anymore....

Pretend Pregnancy

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, pick that pen up for me."

Farmer Tim's Day In Court

Farmer Tim decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer, Tim. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?," questioned the lawyer.

Farmer Tim responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Tim said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Tim's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Tim thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

"What da heck would YOU say?"

Men are Like..

1. Men are like ....... Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you.

2. Men are like ....... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ....... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....... Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ....... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ....... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ....... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like ....... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ....... Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.