Imagine walking into a pet store or just walking by one and taking notice of a baby inside the window stating "For Sale"? People's reactions are quite funny towards this prank. Check it out for yourself. I think this video is hilarious.
Feel free to share a good joke if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
Showing posts with label Pranks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pranks. Show all posts
A Funny Christmas to Treasure And Always Remember
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go; you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas!
Source: Thanks to Duncan R for sharing this funny joke.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go; you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas!
Source: Thanks to Duncan R for sharing this funny joke.
An Italian Boy's Confession
This could only happen with a little Italian kid..
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Maria Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her...'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. '
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
4 months vacation and five good leads.
Saturday Night Bath - Funny Joke About Nuns
This joke's about two Nun's who are told different things by Father John during Saturday night Bath Time. The end result is pretty funny.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord
keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriele's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord
keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriele's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
Worse Parents Ever - Funny Video
This is a funny video of parents trying to scare their kids after they stayed up all night watching Chainsaw Massacre. They got em pretty good. lol
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
Grandma's Birth Control Pills
This joke is pretty funny. It's about a grandmother who uses birth control pills to help her sleep at night. lol.
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have some that are not already on this website. Cheers!
Pass or Fail the Wedding Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
Mischievous Old Grandmas
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
How Long for a Haircut?
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
Trip To COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
Dear John Response
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home which read:
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty women he'd collected from his pals. There were a total of 57 photos in the envelope he sent back along with the following note:
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty women he'd collected from his pals. There were a total of 57 photos in the envelope he sent back along with the following note:
An Italian Boy Confesses
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I d on't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now.
Was it Maria Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nin a Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her...'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. '
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
4 months vacation and five good leads.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I d on't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now.
Was it Maria Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nin a Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her...'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. '
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
4 months vacation and five good leads.
Nasty Prank On Christmas Morning
This is a joke about a couple who had been married for several years.
The only friction in their marriage was that the husband would constantly fart very loudly upon waking each morning. The smell would make his wife's eyes water and she'd gasp for air.
Each morning she'd beg and plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her ill.
He advised her it couldn't be stopped and that it was totally natural.
She told him he needs to see a doctor and that she was concerned that one of these days he'd blow his guts out.
As the years went by, he continued to let them rip. Then, one Christmas morning as the husband was sound asleep upstairs, the wife was preparing a turkey for dinner. She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the other spare parts and a malicious thought popped in her mind.
She ended up taking the bowl upstairs to where her hubby was sleeping and she gently pulled the covers back, pulled the elastic waistband back of his underwear and poured the bowl of turkey guts down his shorts.
Later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting, followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot stomps as he stormed to the bathroom.
His wife could barely contain herself as she rolled on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes. She reckoned after years of torture she'd finally got revenge.
Approximately half an hour later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained undies with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was wrong. He replied, "Darling, you were right. All these years of you warning me and I hadn't listened to you.
"What do you mean?" Asked his wife.
"Well, you always warned me that one of these days I'd end up farting my guts out, and it finally happened today!"
But, by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and my two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"
The only friction in their marriage was that the husband would constantly fart very loudly upon waking each morning. The smell would make his wife's eyes water and she'd gasp for air.
Each morning she'd beg and plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her ill.
He advised her it couldn't be stopped and that it was totally natural.
She told him he needs to see a doctor and that she was concerned that one of these days he'd blow his guts out.
As the years went by, he continued to let them rip. Then, one Christmas morning as the husband was sound asleep upstairs, the wife was preparing a turkey for dinner. She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the other spare parts and a malicious thought popped in her mind.
She ended up taking the bowl upstairs to where her hubby was sleeping and she gently pulled the covers back, pulled the elastic waistband back of his underwear and poured the bowl of turkey guts down his shorts.
Later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting, followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot stomps as he stormed to the bathroom.
His wife could barely contain herself as she rolled on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes. She reckoned after years of torture she'd finally got revenge.
Approximately half an hour later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained undies with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was wrong. He replied, "Darling, you were right. All these years of you warning me and I hadn't listened to you.
"What do you mean?" Asked his wife.
"Well, you always warned me that one of these days I'd end up farting my guts out, and it finally happened today!"
But, by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and my two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"
Mothers Wisdom
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Love John
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Love John
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum
Ticked Off The Traffic Cop
I went to the shop the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic cop writing a parking ticket.
So, I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for driving on bald tires!!
So, I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket, put it on the car with the first, and he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about half an hour; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Well, it was okay by me....I didn't give a toot. My car was parked just around the corner.
So, I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for driving on bald tires!!
So, I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket, put it on the car with the first, and he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about half an hour; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Well, it was okay by me....I didn't give a toot. My car was parked just around the corner.
Quickest Way to dig up a Garden Plot
Ukrainian Tomato Garden
An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Edmonton.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was very hard to turn over for an 80 year old. His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan penitentiary for an extended sentence.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Walter,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like back in the old days.
Love,
Tato
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Tato,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Walter
At 4 a.m. the next morning, RCMP and local Edmonton police arrived and dug up the entire backyard area without finding any bodies. They finally apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Tato,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Walter
An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Edmonton.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was very hard to turn over for an 80 year old. His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan penitentiary for an extended sentence.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Walter,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like back in the old days.
Love,
Tato
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Tato,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Walter
At 4 a.m. the next morning, RCMP and local Edmonton police arrived and dug up the entire backyard area without finding any bodies. They finally apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Tato,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Walter
Therapeutic Asshole Calling
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, ‘Hello?’
I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't’t believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn ’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, When I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ’asshole’ calling would have to end.
So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’
He yelled ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ And hung up.
One day I was at the store, Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’
He said, ‘Yes, it is.’
I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’
He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’
I asked, ‘What’s your name?’
He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’
I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’
He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’
I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’
He said, ‘Yes?’
I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea…
I called asshole #1.
He said, ‘Hello.’
I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But never hung up this time)
He asked, ‘Are you still there?’
I said, ‘Yeah!’
He screamed, ‘Stop calling me,’
I said, ‘Make me,’
He asked, ‘Who are you?’
I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’
He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said, ‘Well Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked out front.’
He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole; shittin' bricks now.’ and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, ‘Hello?’
I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’
I said, ‘You’ll what?’
He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass,’
I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News and informed them about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work!
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, ‘Hello?’
I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't’t believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn ’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, When I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ’asshole’ calling would have to end.
So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’
He yelled ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ And hung up.
One day I was at the store, Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’
He said, ‘Yes, it is.’
I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’
He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’
I asked, ‘What’s your name?’
He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’
I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’
He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’
I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’
He said, ‘Yes?’
I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea…
I called asshole #1.
He said, ‘Hello.’
I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But never hung up this time)
He asked, ‘Are you still there?’
I said, ‘Yeah!’
He screamed, ‘Stop calling me,’
I said, ‘Make me,’
He asked, ‘Who are you?’
I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’
He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said, ‘Well Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked out front.’
He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole; shittin' bricks now.’ and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, ‘Hello?’
I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’
I said, ‘You’ll what?’
He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass,’
I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News and informed them about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work!
Good ST. Frances Sisters
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES'
He thinks this must be a figment of his imagination and drives on without thinking about it more.
Shortly later, he sees another sign which reads:
'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES '
After seeing all 3 signs, he begins to realize that they're for real and drives past a third sign saying:
'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT'
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS'
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The
nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES'
He thinks this must be a figment of his imagination and drives on without thinking about it more.
Shortly later, he sees another sign which reads:
'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES '
After seeing all 3 signs, he begins to realize that they're for real and drives past a third sign saying:
'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT'
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS'
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The
nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
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