Lessons To Be Learned - The 5-Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and
(3) When you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This Ends The 5 Minute Management Course
Source: E-mailed to me by Duncan, thanks for sharing this Duncan :)
Feel free to share a good joke or any funny content like videos, stories, quotes, etc. if you have one that's not already on this website. Cheers!
Showing posts with label Procrastination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Procrastination. Show all posts
National Relief
Millions of us are struggling with overwhelming debt, causing us to feel the ugly effects of stress and making it near impossible to find the humor in anything. Many people feel they need to claim bankruptcy in order to get back on their feet, but Debt Relief has better options available to help eliminate debt. If you need help getting rid of credit card debt, don’t procrastinate, visit NationalDebtRelief.com and avoid bankruptcy. Enjoy your days with less stress as life’s too short to be unhappy over the chains of debt.
Two Wolves
This is so true, best explanation of life I've ever heard.
TWO WOLVES
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
TWO WOLVES
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Nasty Prank On Christmas Morning
This is a joke about a couple who had been married for several years.
The only friction in their marriage was that the husband would constantly fart very loudly upon waking each morning. The smell would make his wife's eyes water and she'd gasp for air.
Each morning she'd beg and plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her ill.
He advised her it couldn't be stopped and that it was totally natural.
She told him he needs to see a doctor and that she was concerned that one of these days he'd blow his guts out.
As the years went by, he continued to let them rip. Then, one Christmas morning as the husband was sound asleep upstairs, the wife was preparing a turkey for dinner. She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the other spare parts and a malicious thought popped in her mind.
She ended up taking the bowl upstairs to where her hubby was sleeping and she gently pulled the covers back, pulled the elastic waistband back of his underwear and poured the bowl of turkey guts down his shorts.
Later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting, followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot stomps as he stormed to the bathroom.
His wife could barely contain herself as she rolled on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes. She reckoned after years of torture she'd finally got revenge.
Approximately half an hour later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained undies with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was wrong. He replied, "Darling, you were right. All these years of you warning me and I hadn't listened to you.
"What do you mean?" Asked his wife.
"Well, you always warned me that one of these days I'd end up farting my guts out, and it finally happened today!"
But, by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and my two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"
The only friction in their marriage was that the husband would constantly fart very loudly upon waking each morning. The smell would make his wife's eyes water and she'd gasp for air.
Each morning she'd beg and plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her ill.
He advised her it couldn't be stopped and that it was totally natural.
She told him he needs to see a doctor and that she was concerned that one of these days he'd blow his guts out.
As the years went by, he continued to let them rip. Then, one Christmas morning as the husband was sound asleep upstairs, the wife was preparing a turkey for dinner. She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the other spare parts and a malicious thought popped in her mind.
She ended up taking the bowl upstairs to where her hubby was sleeping and she gently pulled the covers back, pulled the elastic waistband back of his underwear and poured the bowl of turkey guts down his shorts.
Later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting, followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot stomps as he stormed to the bathroom.
His wife could barely contain herself as she rolled on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes. She reckoned after years of torture she'd finally got revenge.
Approximately half an hour later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained undies with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was wrong. He replied, "Darling, you were right. All these years of you warning me and I hadn't listened to you.
"What do you mean?" Asked his wife.
"Well, you always warned me that one of these days I'd end up farting my guts out, and it finally happened today!"
But, by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and my two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"
Bake a Cake or go to Bed
There's a couple at home and the husband is watching TV when the wife asked him, "Honey, can you fix the light please in the hallway? It's been flickering off and on for weeks now."
He looks up at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights NOW? Does it look like I have I have GE written on my forehead? I think NOT!"
"FINE!", she replied.
Then, the wife asked, "Well then, can you fix the fridge door? It' won't close properly."
To which he responded, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my forehead? I think NOT!"
"FINE", she said. How about the steps to the front door? Can you please fix them at least because they are about to break?"
"I'M NO CARPENTER AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE FIXING STEPS!" He says, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'ACE HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!"
So, he leaves to go to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours and then he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, so he decides to go home.
As he walks up to the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees that the hall light is working fine.
As he goes to the fridge to get a beer, he ... {full joke}
He looks up at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights NOW? Does it look like I have I have GE written on my forehead? I think NOT!"
"FINE!", she replied.
Then, the wife asked, "Well then, can you fix the fridge door? It' won't close properly."
To which he responded, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my forehead? I think NOT!"
"FINE", she said. How about the steps to the front door? Can you please fix them at least because they are about to break?"
"I'M NO CARPENTER AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE FIXING STEPS!" He says, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'ACE HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!"
So, he leaves to go to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours and then he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, so he decides to go home.
As he walks up to the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees that the hall light is working fine.
As he goes to the fridge to get a beer, he ... {full joke}
Why Oh Why?
Why, Why, Why...
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses/beds are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right.'? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot!'?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And think about this......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses/beds are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right.'? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot!'?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And think about this......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Getting Police to Respond Quickly When You're Old
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, 'Is someone in your house?' and he said, 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just ... {full joke}
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, 'Is someone in your house?' and he said, 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just ... {full joke}
Maxine's Good Housekeeping Tip
THIS SURE SOLD ME!
I AM GOING
TO THE DOLLAR STORE TODAY
& GET A DOZEN!
Good Housekeeping Tip
Another Maxine Tip ...
Always keep several
get well cards on the mantle...
So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.
TO THE DOLLAR STORE TODAY
& GET A DOZEN!
Good Housekeeping Tip
Another Maxine Tip ...
Always keep severalget well cards on the mantle...
So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.
Gentle Thoughts For Today
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle...it makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is... a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time...but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight...because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is...to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates...is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody...you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong...you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is... so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age...and start bragging about it.
The older we get...the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way...I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth...think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old...when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is...that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful...but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper...It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
A penny saved is... a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time...but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight...because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is...to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates...is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody...you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong...you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is... so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age...and start bragging about it.
The older we get...the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way...I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth...think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old...when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is...that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful...but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper...It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
Abstinence
A young couple wanted to join a church, the pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You're back so soon... Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month", the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult, however, we managed to obstain through sheer willpower."
"The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible; anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."
"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You're back so soon... Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month", the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult, however, we managed to obstain through sheer willpower."
"The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible; anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."
"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."
When Will You Be Happy?
I'll be happy when...
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with ... and remember that 
time waits for no one.
time waits for no one.So, stop waiting ... Until your car or home is paid off. Until you get a new car or home. Until your kids leave the house. Until you go back to school. Until you finish school. Until you lose 10 lbs. Until you gain 10 lbs. Until you get married. Until you get a divorce. Until you have kids. Until you
retire. Until summer.. Until spring. Until winter. Until fall. Until you die.There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and, dance like no one's watching.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
![[Valid Atom 1.0]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_uamQ_p534jlUSp7Oroc5TPlgltmdM2a_WlJeCP8tdCz1yLii5qCPCCUVyMZdIIQydserWK8AE83ZdWLDXkhp9FsDeQGplLFBmmH9-tpbyE7XIBc1mrILl9=s0-d "Validate my Atom 1.0 feed")
