Transfer Pain Of Birth

A married couple went to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. [full joke]

Black Testicles

There's a male patient laying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth when a young student nurse comes along to sponge bath him.

"Nurse", he mumbles from under his mask. "Can you tell me if my testicles are black?"

Quite embarrassed, the nurse replies, "I don't know, sir, I'm just here to wash your feet and upper body."

He struggles to ask her again, "Nurse, please can you check if my testicles are black?"

Concerned about him possibly elevating his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back his covers. She lifts his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?’

Bake a Cake or go to Bed

There's a couple at home and the husband is watching TV when the wife asked him, "Honey, can you fix the light please in the hallway? It's been flickering off and on for weeks now."

He looks up at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights NOW? Does it look like I have I have GE written on my forehead? I think NOT!"

"FINE!", she replied.

Then, the wife asked, "Well then, can you fix the fridge door? It' won't close properly."

To which he responded, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my forehead? I think NOT!"

"FINE", she said. How about the steps to the front door? Can you please fix them at least because they are about to break?"

"I'M NO CARPENTER AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE FIXING STEPS!" He says, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'ACE HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!"

So, he leaves to go to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours and then he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, so he decides to go home.

As he walks up to the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees that the hall light is working fine.

As he goes to the fridge to get a beer, he ... {full joke}

Marriage Can Be Dangerous!

Failing Marriages

These are hilarious pictures of what some people might imagine in their heads when marriage goes Bad. Click on pictures to enlarge.

Don't be embarrassed, you think you're the first guy who's wife shoved the remote up his ass?

Apparently I've done something to upset you.

A Woman's Trophy Of Divorce

If he's late, he gets a shot to the head with the smaller rolling pin, if he's drunk, I'll use the larger one, and if he's got lipstick on him, I'll use the gun.

"Mr. Schwartz, the tests show you're not impotent. Your penis is just scared to death."

The most effective birth control method known to man. Cost $0.25

"Hand me the hair dryer."

Show and Tell Day

Middle Wife - by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher. This is very funny.

I've been teaching for about fifteen years and have two precious kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I encountered in my second grade classroom a few years ago.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always have a few sessions with my students. It actually helps them get over shyness. Normally, show-and-tell is pretty calm and painless. Kids have brought pet turtles, airplane models, pictures of fish they've caught, etc. I never set any boundaries or limitations on what the kids bring. If they want to haul anything into the school and discuss, I say bring it on.

Well, one day a very outgoing and bright little girl, Erica, goes to take her turn and waddles up to the front of the classroom with a pillow shoved under her shirt. She holds up a picture of an infant and says, "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to talk about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my Mommy's tummy, and Luke grew inside there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids watched her in amazement.

Erica continues with her story, "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mommy starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' She puts one hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like 1 hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now this girl's doing a hilarious duck waddle and groaning.) "My Dad called the middle wife who delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mommy to lie down in bed like this. (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall) And then, POP! My Mommy had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and splashed all over the bed, like psschhheew! (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands imitating water flowing away. It was too much!) Then the middle wife started saying, 'push, push, push' and 'breathe, breathe, breathe. They ... {full joke}