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Wire Glasses

By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, February 28, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • There's this blond who went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

    The blond was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

    As he did so, he noticed the blond had tears streaming down her face.

    "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

    "I know," agreed the blond, "But, it's just that I sorta had my heart set on wire frames."

    Therapeutic Asshole Calling

    By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, February 28, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

    A man answered, saying, ‘Hello?’

    I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me.

    I couldn't’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

    When I tracked down Robyn ’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

    After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

    When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ And hung up.

    I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, And put it in my desk drawer.

    Every couple of weeks, When I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’

    It always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ’asshole’ calling would have to end.

    So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’

    He yelled ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone.

    I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ And hung up.

    One day I was at the store, Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

    Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

    I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

    I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

    I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’

    He said, ‘Yes, it is.’

    I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’

    He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’

    I asked, ‘What’s your name?’

    He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’

    I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’

    He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’

    I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’

    He said, ‘Yes?’

    I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’

    Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

    Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

    Then I came up with an idea…

    I called asshole #1.

    He said, ‘Hello.’

    I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But never hung up this time)

    He asked, ‘Are you still there?’

    I said, ‘Yeah!’

    He screamed, ‘Stop calling me,’

    I said, ‘Make me,’

    He asked, ‘Who are you?’

    I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

    He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’

    I said, ‘Well Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked out front.’

    He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’

    I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole; shittin' bricks now.’ and hung up.

    Then I called Asshole #2.

    He said, ‘Hello?’

    I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’

    He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’

    I said, ‘You’ll what?’

    He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass,’

    I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

    Then I called Channel 7 News and informed them about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.


    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

    NOW I feel much better.

    Anger management really does work!

    Funny, Irate Written Letter to the Passport Office

    By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, February 28, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • Dear Mr. Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

    How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a T.V. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Canadian Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

    For Christ's sake, do you guys do this by hand?

    My birth date is on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done around election times.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!

    SH*T!

    I apologize, Mr. Minister. I?m really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullsh*t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*ckin? address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal a$$holes workin' there!

    Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don?t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sakes. I just want to go and park my a$$ on a sandy beach.

    And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

    Well, I have to go now, cause' I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f*ckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!!

    Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

    Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f*ckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some a$$hole to confirm that it's really me on the god*amn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?

    (F*ckin' Morons)

    Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

    Signed - An Irate F_cking Canadian Citizen.


    P.S.

    Remember what I said about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.

    I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

    However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am, you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST F_CKING CHINA!!!

    Hamilton , Ontario Canada

    Grandma's Boyfriend

    By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, February 28, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
    He was playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
    heaven?"

    Grandma replied, "Sweetie, my TV is my boyfriend . . . I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies
    make me laugh. I'm quite content with my TV as my boyfriend."

    Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture focused. Flustered, she started hitting the backside of the TV in an effort to fix the problem.

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he ran to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

    The little boy replied, "Uhuh, she's in her bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

    Hilarious, Witty Smart Ass Answers

    By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, February 28, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
    "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Eddy, seated in front.
    "Uh.. What are my choices?" Eddy asked.

    "Yes or no," she replied.

    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate checking tickets.
    As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
    Without missing a beat, she responded, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family, so she asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

    A police officer stepped out of his car, walked over to the kid he stopped for speeding and gestured him to roll down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
    The kid replied, "Oh yeah? Well I got here as fast as I could."
    When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when he notices a sign that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
    Finally, a police car comes up, gets out of his car and walks over to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not making it in tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
    A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

    The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly replies, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

    Take the Banana Test

    By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, February 28, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • There's a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals:
    A Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.

    They decide to compete to see who could get the banana off the tree the quickest.

    Who do you think will win?

    Your answer will reflect your personality. So think about it carefully. Try answering within 30 seconds. Got your answer?

    Now scroll down to see the analysis.











    If your answer is:

    Lion = you're dull.
    Chimpanzee = you're dense.
    Giraffe = you're a total moron.
    Squirrel = you're hopeless.

    A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

    Obviously you're overworked and stressed. You really should take some time off to relax!

    Marriage And Divorce In Heaven

    By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, February 28, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • A young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident and ended up finding themselves outside of the pearly gates of Heaven where St. Peter was processing souls into Heaven. As they waited, they began wondering if it was possible for them to get married in Heaven.

    When St. Peter arrived they inquired if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter replied, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has inquiredd. I'll go find out." and he left.

    The couple sat and waited for an answer. While they waited for 2 months, they discussed all the pros and cons.

    Should they get married in Heaven if they were allowed, what would be the eternal aspect of it all? "How about if it doesn't work out? Would we be we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

    Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat scattered. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

    "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what about if things don't work out? Could we get a divorce in Heaven?"

    St. Peter, angered and red-faced, slammed his clipboard down on the ground.

    "What's the matter?" asked the startled, confused couple.

    "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me THREE months to find a priest up here! Have you ANY clue how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

    Bathtub Test

    By: Bonnie W On: Friday, February 27, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director: “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?”

    "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I see," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

    This Womans Evil Nature

    By: Bonnie W On: Friday, February 27, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
    She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
    She seductively signaled to bring his face closer to hers.
    As he did, she gently caressed his beard.
    "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
    "Actually, no, I'm not." he replied.
    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
    "I'm afraid I can't," said the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
    "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
    "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
    "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

    Good ST. Frances Sisters

    By: Bonnie W On: Friday, February 27, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

    'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    10 MILES'

    He thinks this must be a figment of his imagination and drives on without thinking about it more.

    Shortly later, he sees another sign which reads:

    'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    5 MILES '

    After seeing all 3 signs, he begins to realize that they're for real and drives past a third sign saying:

    'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    NEXT RIGHT'

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

    'SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS'

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

    The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

    He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

    'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The
    nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

    He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

    He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

    The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:


    GO IN PEACE.


    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

    SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.