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Interview With The Youth Club Leader

By: Unknown On: Wednesday, June 24, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

    Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure outing?"

    Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them mountain climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

    Interviewer: "Shooting!? That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

    Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

    Interviewer: "Don't you agree that's a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

    Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they touch any firearms."

    Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

    Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

    Inside Minds Of Most Men

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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  • If you think you're fat, you probably are, so don't ask us.

    Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

    Don't cut your hair. Ever.

    Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he could find the perfect present, again!

    If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

    Get rid of your cat; it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

    Shopping is not a sport.

    Anything you wear is fine. Really.

    You have enough clothes.

    You have too many shoes.

    Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

    Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

    No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

    Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

    Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes; what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with 'your' dress?

    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

    A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

    Check your oil.

    Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

    It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

    Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

    If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

    Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we determine how pretty you are?

    Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

    You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

    Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses give up their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

    Telling us that the models in the mens magazines are airbrushed makes you appear jealous and insecure and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

    The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

    Interesting Things To Ponder

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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  • Pretty interesting if you didn't know..

    'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand

    And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.

    No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

    'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.

    Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

    The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.

    The words 'racecar', 'kayak', and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

    There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

    There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

    TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

    A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

    A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

    A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

    A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

    A snail can sleep for three years.

    Almonds are a member of the peach family.

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

    Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

    February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

    In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

    If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

    Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

    Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

    Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

    The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

    The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

    The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)

    The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

    There are more chickens than people in the world.

    Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

    Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

    Now you know more than you did before!!

    Old Fart Football

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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  • An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

    His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
    The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
    Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

    The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

    The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!'

    Taking Money to the Afterlife

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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  • There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

    Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

    And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died.

    He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'

    She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

    So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

    The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

    You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?'

    'I sure did,' said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque.... If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

    A True Fish Story

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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  • This is a true story.

    A guy who lives at Round Lake, Sask. (50 miles South of Yorkton) saw a ball bouncing around kind of strangely in the lake and went to investigate.

    It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to swallow a basketball which became stuck in its mouth!!

    The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but unable to because the ball would always bring him back up to the surface.

    The guy tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the hungry catfish.

    You probably wouldn't have believed this, if you hadn't seen the following pictures...

    Be kinder than necessary. Cause everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

    Blind Clerk in the Bass Pro Shop

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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  • A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
    She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
    A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
    She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
    He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
    He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
    'It's amazing that you can tel l all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter', she says. 'I'll take it!'
    As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
    'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets out a fart.
    At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
    The clerk rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
    He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'

    Which Part of our Body Goes to Heaven First?

    By: Unknown On: Tuesday, June 23, 2009
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  • The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her cl ass one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

    Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
    'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
    Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in Front of you, and God just takes your hands first.'
    'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
    Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming!! I'm coming! If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
    The Nun fainted.

    Chicken Farmer's Taxes

    By: Unknown On: Tuesday, June 23, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

    The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's
    your occupation?"

    "I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

    The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

    "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer"

    The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

    "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

    "Chicken Farmer it is."

    When the "F" Word is Okay to Use

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 20, 2009
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  • Five cases where it's okay to use the "F" word....

    These were e-mailed to me, but obviously credit to be given to from what I can tell. Great Pictures :)

    Some Pretty Cool Pictures

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 20, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • Holding the sun

    Edge of the Hurricane


    Amazing Cloud Formation

    You Light Up My World

    Not a Good Day For Surfing

    Picture of the year! Absolutely incredible

    Only in China - Swimming Pool

    Only in Hawaii

    Only in India

    Only in Texas

    Only In Thailand

    And last, but not least....
    Only In America

    New Wine For Seniors

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 20, 2009
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  • I kid you not....
    A New Wine for Seniors

    California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
    It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

    The new wine will be marketed as.....


    I heard it through the Grapevine!

    Taking Momma To The Nursing Home

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 20, 2009
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  • One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.

    The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

    She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back once more and bring her back upright.

    This goes on all morning.

    Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you right?” they ask.

    “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

    Nursing Home Lingo

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 20, 2009
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  • An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.
    All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
    After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
    'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
    'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful’ says grandpa.
    'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone”.
    "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abduello says with a big smile.
    "There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro!"
    "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor!"
    "There's a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!"
    "And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F#-king Arab'!"

    Hush Within The Congregation

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 20, 2009
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  • A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation....

    Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

    Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, If the Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause.

    Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!' There is total silence.

    The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

    Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, ..... 'Screw the Preacher!'

    Isn't senility wonderful? Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!

    Frog and the Golfer

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 20, 2009
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  • A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

    He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

    He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

    The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

    Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

    He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.


    He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

    He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?"

    The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

    The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

    "What do you think frog?" The man asks.

    "Ribbit 3 wood."

    The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom! Hole in one.

    The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

    By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

    The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

    They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

    The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

    Upon approaching the roulette table,

    The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

    The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

    Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

    Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

    The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

    He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.

    You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

    The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

    He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

    With a kiss, the frog turns into a beautiful 15-year-old girl.

    "And that, Your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

    Only InTexas

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 20, 2009
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  • Only in Texas, my friends ... Only in Texas ....Too bad...

    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

    The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

    'What for?' says the lawyer.

    The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

    Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

    'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

    The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

    'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

    Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

    'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

    At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

    God Bless Texas

    Now That You're Retired

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 20, 2009
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  • Upon reaching 65, Bill decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.

    Bill obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
    When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

    "What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start Jumping out of airplanes?"

    "Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

    "Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

    "Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

    For Those Who Like Cruising High - Over The Millau Viaduct

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 20, 2009
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  • Wow, how'd you like to take a cruise over this bridge?

    There's something just not right about driving above the clouds, but very cool.

    The Millau Viaduct is part of the new E11 expressway connecting Paris and
    Barcelona and features the highest bridge piers ever constructed. The tallest is 240 metres (787 feet) high and the overall height is an impressive 336 metres (1102 feet), making this the highest bridge in the world.
    It's taller than the Eiffel Tower.
    Interestingly, the Millau Viaduct is not straight.
    It's because a straight road could induce a floating sensation as you drive across it. So, a slight curve remedies that feeling. The curve is 20km in range. Moreover, the road has a light incline of 3% to improve the visibility and reassure the driver. An amazing engineering feat!

    What a view, eh - 787 feet high!

    First Worst Date - This Takes The Cake!

    By: Unknown On: Monday, June 15, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • "If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake." By Christie
    Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

    The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

    She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah.

    It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

    They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

    Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

    Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

    They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

    In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

    Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

    As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the cars fender.

    Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

    Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!

    He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

    She too, got the giggles and when the y finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

    Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

    Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

    So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be pants down.

    And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

    Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

    Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

    Thanks very much to Christie for sharing this! She got it from the Jay Leno's Tonight Show. I love it!

    Can You Read This Without Laughing?

    By: Unknown On: Monday, June 15, 2009
  • Let's Get Social
  • Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed.

    I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

    But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

    I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
    I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

    Hey Man - THAT Wasn't in the Brochure!

    By: Unknown On: Monday, June 15, 2009
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  • Imagine being on a tour when this happens??

    Blonde Waitress in the Truck Stop

    By: Unknown On: Monday, June 15, 2009
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  • A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.."

    The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

    "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

    "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

    The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

    She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

    Inventor of the Harley-Davidson VS God's Invention of Woman

    By: Unknown On: Monday, June 15, 2009
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  • The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
    have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

    Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

    God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
    motorcycle? '
    Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

    God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
    and pollution and can't run without a road?'

    Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'God said, 'Ah, yes.'

    'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

    3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

    5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

    'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

    God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

    The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

    'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

    Old Couple Engagement

    By: Unknown On: Monday, June 15, 2009
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  • Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, live in Florida, and are all excited about their decision to get married.

    They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

    Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

    The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

    Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

    Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

    Pharmacist: "All kinds."

    Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

    Pharmacist: "Definitely."

    Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

    Pharmacist: "You bet!"

    Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

    Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

    Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

    Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

    Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

    Pharmacist: "We sure do."

    Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

    Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

    Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

    Pharmacist: "Sure."

    Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

    Blonde And The Cow

    By: Unknown On: Monday, June 15, 2009
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  • A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

    One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

    The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

    Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

    The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

    'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

    Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

    The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

    (Nice to see a blonde winning once in a

    Incredible Hand Paintings

    By: Unknown On: Tuesday, June 02, 2009
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  • These are the most amazing hand paintings I've ever seen! Incredibly creative.