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Emotions Party

By: Unknown On: Tuesday, December 18, 2007
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  • A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions - from fear to happieness, and so on.

    The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N&V painted on his chest. "What have you come as?", the guy asks. "I'm green with envy". "Wow that's brilliant!" says the host. "Come in and have a drink".

    A few minutes later, a woman shows up with a feather boa wrapped around her private parts. "Wow, great outfit." Says the host. "And you've come as?" "I'm tickled pink." She sais. "Brilliant!" The host replies.

    Moments later, the doorbell goes again, only this time, it's two naked Irish Blokes at the door. One's standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other's got his cock stuck in a pear. "What the Hell are both of you doing?" Screams the host. Well, I'm f_____g dis custard and he's come in dis pear!

    A friend of mine who submitted this joke gave credit to the November issue of FHM Magazine for publishing it.

    Breakfast in Paris

    By: Unknown On: Sunday, November 18, 2007
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  • This is a riot!! Make sure you scroll down to the Map after you read the joke! Watch for little Australian Man to walk across the Map.

    An Australian is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.

    The Australian ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

    Frenchman: "You Australian folk eat the whole bread??"

    Australian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

    Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

    The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

    The Australian listens in silence.

    The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

    Australian "Of Course."

    Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

    "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Australia ."

    After a moment of silence, The Australian then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

    Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

    Australian "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

    Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

    Australian: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

    Hope the Australian walks across the map for you.

    Most Functional English Word

    By: Unknown On: Sunday, November 18, 2007
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    Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
    Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.

    There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
    You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

    You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

    Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

    Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

    You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

    You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

    Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

    When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

    And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

    I was advised to pass this along, if I give a shit; or not to if I don't give a shit!

    Well, Shit, it's time to go. I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!

    Sick Lizard

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, October 17, 2007
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  • If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
    through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush
    burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
    you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
    "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
    "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
    stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
    "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
    I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
    "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
    "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" My wife wanted to know.
    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
    (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
    this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
    "Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um. Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
    We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . Just . Excited," my wife offered.
    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
    Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . That . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    -- Two lizards: $140.
    -- One cage: $50.
    -- Trip to the vet: $30.
    -- Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
    Moral of the story:

    Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

    No Sense Of Humor

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, October 17, 2007
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  • My wife and I are watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" while we are in bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No." She answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    "Yes." She replied.
    Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
    That's about the last thing I remember.

    The Wedding Ring

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, October 13, 2007
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  • A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

    According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

    I don't know what's worse:

    1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
    2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
    3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

    How to get a man to Wash His Hands

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, October 13, 2007
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  • Four Catholic Ladies

    By: Unknown On: Friday, October 12, 2007
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  • Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

    The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

    The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

    The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

    Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

    So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

    Three Men On A Hike

    By: Unknown On: Friday, October 12, 2007
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  • Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

    Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

    After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"

    Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

    Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"

    Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


    "If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!"

    A Kiss

    By: Unknown On: Friday, October 12, 2007
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  • 10 yr Old Blues

    By: Unknown On: Friday, October 12, 2007
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  • A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

    Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

    The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got ... (full joke)

    Funny Union Rules

    By: Unknown On: Thursday, October 11, 2007
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  • A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

    "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

    "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

    "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

    Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

    We observe all union rules"

    The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

    "That's more like it!" the union man said.

    He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

    "I'd like her," he said.

    "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

    Cool Pictures

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, October 10, 2007
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  • A friend of mine at work (Steve) carved this pumpkin (above) last year for Halloween. Pretty neat huh?

    This photo (above) is really cool when it rotates because it looks just like a frog in one position and as it rotates, it appears to become a horse! Fascinating...

    Scary Licence Plate

    By: Unknown On: Monday, October 08, 2007
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  • He's 80 She's 20

    By: Unknown On: Monday, October 08, 2007
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  • HE'S 80 SHE'S 20

    He's 80, she's 2 0. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage, she went into the hospital to give birth.

    The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow, saying, "This is amazing! How do you do it at your age?"

    He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."

    The following year, the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You're amazing! How do you do it?"

    He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

    The same thing happened the next year. The nuse then said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"

    He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

    The nusre said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

    Thank God I'm not with a Leaf Fan

    By: Unknown On: Monday, October 08, 2007
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  • Please do not be offended by this as it's meant to be funny, that's all. Should you be offended however, just contact me and I will remove this post all together as you wish. Thanks for your cooperation. I do hope you will find the humor in it though. :) Cheers. :) Bonnie 


    New Turkey Recipe

    By: Unknown On: Monday, October 08, 2007
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  • Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
    You should try this!
    Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
    Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.

    1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
    2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully.? (see attached picture for details)
    3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
    4. Watch your guests' faces...

    May your stuffing be tasty
    May your turkey plump,
    May your potatoes and gravy
    Have never a lump.
    May your yams be delicious
    And your pies take the prize,
    And may your Thanksgiving dinner
    Stay off your thighs!

    Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

    Pluck Yew

    By: Unknown On: Sunday, October 07, 2007
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  • Click on image to enlarge...

    DR. Stories

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, September 29, 2007
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  • 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX .

    2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

    4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

    Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

    5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

    6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

    Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

    7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'

    Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

    Submitted by RN no name

    8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

    The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

    Dr. wouldn't submit his name

    Wife's Birthday Gift

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, September 29, 2007
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  • Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

    His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

    So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

    "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

    Idiots of the World, Unite

    By: Unknown On: Monday, September 24, 2007
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  • Please note, if you find this post offensive for any reason and would like to see it disappear, just contact me and I will remove it all together. I do hope though that you find the humour in it as it is only meant to be funny, that's all. :) Cheers and thank you.

    ME FIRST!!

    And the SURGEON GENERAL says . .
    Diversionary tactic.
    Words of Wisdom.

    A fortune to remember.

    Stay off the course . . . Or else!

    Not my job


    The Affair

    By: Unknown On: Monday, September 24, 2007
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  • A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

    "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

    "One Cent?" the man thought.

    He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

    "A nickel," the barman replied.

    "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

    The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

    The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

    The bartender replied,

    "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

    Powerful Medicine for the Guys

    By: Unknown On: Monday, September 24, 2007
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  • Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

    The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a White powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue Smoke.

    Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a Year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

    Harry then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

    The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

    Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."

    He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... Just as the medicine man had promised.

    Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"


    Another Affair

    By: Unknown On: Monday, September 24, 2007
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  • Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
    "There's no need to," his wife replied.
    "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
    "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

    No Speaka Guda English

    By: Unknown On: Friday, August 10, 2007
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  • A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

    The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

    The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi '."

    I lay bets you're gonna read this again!

    Three Blondes who Want to be Detectives

    By: Unknown On: Thursday, August 09, 2007
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  • Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

    The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

    So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

    The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye! "The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

    The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

    "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

    The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . . "He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

    The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

    The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

    How to hug a Baby

    By: Unknown On: Thursday, August 09, 2007
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    Instructions for properly hugging a baby.

    1. First, spy a baby.

    2. Second, be sure that the object you spied was
    indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques. If you
    smell baby powder and the wonderful aroma of wet diapers this is indeed a baby.

    3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.

    **Note: The added slobber should help in future steps by making the 'paw slide' easier.

    4. The 'paw slide' - Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

    Dogs, if this is properly done, it will secure you a warm, dry, climate-controlled environment for the rest of your life.

    Wifey's Warm Spot

    By: Unknown On: Thursday, August 09, 2007
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  • Two newlyweds go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
    When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
    She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
    After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
    She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
    He does, and again that warms him up.
    After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
    She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

    More Awwww!

    By: Unknown On: Thursday, August 09, 2007
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  • Just a Weeeeeeee Bit...Funny!

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, August 08, 2007
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  • An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

    With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

    Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

    So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

    The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

    The man dated the first daughter.

    The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

    "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ... pigeon-toed."

    The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

    The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

    "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell ... cross-eyed."

    The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

    The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

    So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

    When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his
    father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

    "Well," explained the Redneck..."She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ... pregnant when you met her."

    Bacon and Eggs

    By: Unknown On: Monday, July 30, 2007
  • Let's Get Social
  • A young boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

    Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

    He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

    He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

    He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

    Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast in a bad mood and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

    The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?


    By: Unknown On: Monday, July 30, 2007
  • Let's Get Social
  • A young couple wanted to join a church, the pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

    The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

    "You're back so soon... Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired.

    "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month", the young man replied sadly.

    The pastor asked him what happened.

    "Well, the first week was difficult, however, we managed to obstain through sheer willpower."

    "The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

    "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible; anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."

    "One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

    The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."

    "We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

    Hilarious, Crazy, Cool, Spun out, Insane and Cute Kitties!

    By: Unknown On: Thursday, July 19, 2007
  • Let's Get Social
  • Hilarious, Crazy, Cool, Spun out, Insane and Cute Kitties!