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Rye Bread

By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, March 31, 2007
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  • Rye Bread
    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
    The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
    The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
    The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
    So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
    He said, "I want 5 loaves."
    She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
    He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."

    Dumber Than Buffalo Shit

    By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, March 31, 2007
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  • The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, ate jerky and beans, and settled the horses for the night, both men climbed into their bedrolls and fell sound asleep.

    Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, and after great thought says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
    Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately quarter past three in the morning.
    Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
    Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

    What's it tell you, Tonto?"

    Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe...You dumber than buffalo shit. It tells me someone stole our tent!”

    Waiting To Get Screwed

    By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, March 31, 2007
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  • Waiting To Get Screwed

    It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
    As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
    He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
    Were they trying to steal it?
    "Heavens no, we bought it."
    "Then why don't you drive it away."
    "We can't drive."
    "Then why did you buy it?"
    "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get
    screwed.....so we're just waiting.

    Best Genie Joke EVER!

    By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, March 31, 2007
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  • A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in."

    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

    "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes".

    I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

    "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

    "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

    The husband looked at ... {full joke}

    Satan's Sister

    By: Bonnie W On: Saturday, March 31, 2007
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  • Satan's Sister

    A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

    "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

    "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

    "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

    "Yep," was the calm reply.

    "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

    "Nope," said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

    7 Reasons not to mess With Children (LOL)

    By: Bonnie W On: Thursday, March 29, 2007
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  • Kids are hilarious beings, aren't they? LOL

    1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

    2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
    The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
    The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

    3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
    After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
    Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

    4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

    5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
    "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
    Michael, He's a doctor.'
    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

    6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
    "Yes," the class said.
    "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
    A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

    7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

    Sick Leave

    By: Bonnie W On: Friday, March 23, 2007
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  • Sick Leave

    I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

    My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

    A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

    He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

    She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

    Man Of The House

    By: Bonnie W On: Friday, March 23, 2007
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  • Man Of The House
    The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be The Man of Your House.

    He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!

    You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

    After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

    After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

    Then you will massage my feet and hands.

    Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess!!"

    Wife's Hearing Problem

    By: Bonnie W On: Friday, March 23, 2007
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  • Wife's Hearing Problem

    A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
    The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
    In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
    No response.
    So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
    Still no response.
    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
    Again, no response.
    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
    Again, there is no response.
    So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    (This is hilarious)



    "Earl, for the 5th time, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"

    Daddy, How Was I Born?

    By: Bonnie W On: Friday, March 23, 2007
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  • A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



    You Got Male!

    Reload

    By: Bonnie W On: Friday, March 23, 2007
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  • Reload

    A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze.
    The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief.
    The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

    Repair Man In The Nut House

    By: Bonnie W On: Friday, March 23, 2007
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  • A repairman is walking through a mental institution. He Comes up to the first room and sees a man swinging an Imaginary baseball bat.
    "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.
    "I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a home run I'm out of here," replies the man.
    The repairman wishes him well and continues on his way.
    In the next room, there's a guy swinging an imaginary golf club.
    "What the hell are YOU doing?" he asks.
    "I'm Arnold Palmer. As soon as I make a hole in one I'm out of here!" replies the man.
    The repairman shakes his head and comes up to the next room. There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of his penis.
    "What the hell are YOU doing! "He asks."I'm f'n nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

    National Symbol Is Changing To a Condom

    By: Bonnie W On: Friday, March 23, 2007
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  • 6th Sense

    By: Bonnie W On: Thursday, March 22, 2007
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  • A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
    The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
    The next day Grandpa died.
    The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
    The next day the grandmother died.
    Oh my God, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side!
    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched
    The clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
    He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
    Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
    When he got home, his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
    He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on the porch!

    Chicken Wire...lol

    By: Bonnie W On: Thursday, March 22, 2007
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  • Chicken Wire

    An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise

    when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. The Old man shouts, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
    "Roll of chicken wire."
    "What you gonna do with that?"
    "Gonna catch some chickens."
    "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
    The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
    The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.
    "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
    "Roll of duct tape."
    "What you gonna do with that?"
    "Gonna catch me some ducks."
    "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
    Again, the boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
    The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
    ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
    "It's a pussy willow.""Wait up...I'll get my hat."

    Designated Drunk

    By: Bonnie W On: Wednesday, March 21, 2007
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  • One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
    As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

    Whoops!!

    By: Bonnie W On: Wednesday, March 21, 2007
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  • Whoops!!

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacistit it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in! "The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl'sparents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows hishead. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. "The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

    Funny Pictures

    By: Bonnie W On: Tuesday, March 20, 2007
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  • Here's Some Funny Pictures To Make You Smile.









    Son Asks Dad About Condoms

    By: Bonnie W On: Tuesday, March 20, 2007
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  • A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
    The Dad replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
    "Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
    He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
    The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
    "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
    "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
    "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
    With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

    Skinny Guy Meets Huge Guy In Elevator

    By: Bonnie W On: Tuesday, March 20, 2007
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  • Skinny Guy Meets Huge Guy In Elevator

    Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
    The big guy sees the little guy staring at him so he looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

    The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
    The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:
    "What's wrong with you?"

    In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
    The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

    The small guy says: "Turner Brown?! ... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"

    Blonde In Starbucks

    By: Bonnie W On: Tuesday, March 20, 2007
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  • Blonde In Starbucks

    A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch. " But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome! "Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize. "The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...




    "W I N A B A G E L"