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For Just $100, I'll do Anything You Want

By: Unknown On: Thursday, June 28, 2007
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  • A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

    The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'

    Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

    The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

    Bigger and Bigger

    By: Unknown On: Thursday, June 28, 2007
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  • One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

    The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

    Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

    Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

    Funny True Story

    By: Unknown On: Monday, June 25, 2007
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  • True Story. Jacksonville, FL Police Dept.

    A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

    About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.

    Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.

    When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

    A few hours later the police knock on the door They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. However, the police have his driver's license.

    They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

    True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

    Who is JACK SCHITT?

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, June 20, 2007
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  • WHO IS JACK SCHITT? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
    fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and twins Deap and Dip.

    Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

    However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

    Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
    inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

    So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

    This Family History recorded by Crock O. Schitt.

    Two Blonde Guys Digging & Filling Holes

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, June 20, 2007
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  • There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.
    These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
    A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
    He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
    The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

    Got Tape? Coolest Tape Sculptures Ever!

    By: Unknown On: Wednesday, June 20, 2007
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  • Talk about an interesting medium for artistic expression.These are made from ordinary scotch tape!

    First Guy Blonde Joke Ever - Well Worth the Wait! LMAO

    By: Unknown On: Sunday, June 17, 2007
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  • We knew it had to happen sooner or later, so here goes the very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

    An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned Beef and Cabbage! If I get Corned Beef and Cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too!"

    "The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw Corned Beef and Cabbage, and jumped to his death.

    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped too.

    The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the Bologna, and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Corned Beef and Cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

    The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

    (Oh this is GOOD!!)

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."


    By: Unknown On: Friday, June 15, 2007
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  • Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

    One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

    Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

    Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

    "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

    A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

    When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

    Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

    The policeman fainted.

    Painted Bathroon Floor - Imagine!

    By: Unknown On: Friday, June 15, 2007
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  • *Imagine you are at a party on the tenth floor....**You've been drinking.....* *(not that you would...)**And then you have to visit the bathroom... **You open the door.... **Now, remember,* *The floor is just a painted floor!**** Kinda takes your breath away.....* *Doesn't it?* Scroll sloooooooowly.....

    Thought For The Day - LMAO

    By: Unknown On: Friday, June 15, 2007
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  • The Pregnant Nudist

    By: Unknown On: Friday, June 15, 2007
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  • A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor.

    The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant.

    The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes."

    "Well, my dear," said the doctor. "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

    Just a Tap

    By: Unknown On: Thursday, June 14, 2007
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  • A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

    Thanks Jeane Michelle Culp for this laugh!

    The Hunters and the Lion

    By: Unknown On: Tuesday, June 12, 2007
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  • These two hunters have been hunting companions for more than 25 years and by now not only knew each other well but also very set in their hunting ways.

    One day, while walking through the thick Savannah bush, the one suddenly stopped and started rubbing his stomach.

    The other asked him,"what's wrong" on which he replied, "it's my stomach, must have been all the meat that we had for supper last night"

    His friend then replied, "now that you mention it, I don't feel that well myself" and promptly they placed their rifles against a nearby bush and squatted for a......? (you know what I mean)

    They were still squatted down, when a big old male Lion comes walking around the bush, jerks to a stop when he smells and sees them and growles at them.

    Shocked to be caught in this position and without a rifle in his hand, the one hunter nudges the other with the elbow and asks, "Hey Bud, are you scared?". "No", says his buddy, "why do you ask"?

    "Well", replied the first, "why then are you wiping my ass?"

    Thanks Jannos for these great jokes!

    Hunting With A Wife

    By: Unknown On: Tuesday, June 12, 2007
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  • A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Inside the hunter's trophy room was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife in the Timbavati" "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

    "My wife."

    Thanks again Jannos for sharing the laughs!

    Flying in the Plane

    By: Unknown On: Tuesday, June 12, 2007
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  • Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for kudu hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six kudu's. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four o; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the bush.

    Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

    "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about 100meters short of where we crashed last year!"

    Thanks Jannos for the laugh!

    What's Sex Daddy? Asks the Sweet Little Girl

    By: Unknown On: Monday, June 11, 2007
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  • A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love... He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth. The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?" "Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

    Thanks Alunel for the laugh!!

    Drink Up

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 09, 2007
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  • The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

    The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

    The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

    A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

    The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

    The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

    The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

    The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

    To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

    Amazing Dentist

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 09, 2007
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  • A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

    A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

    He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

    The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

    The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

    "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

    One thing led to another and they make love.

    After they're done, the girl says, "You must be an amazing dentist."

    The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

    "I didn't feel a thing."

    Three Chicks Stranded are Granted a Wish Each

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 09, 2007
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  • There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.

    One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.

    All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.

    The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

    The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

    Then the blonde said, "I wish my friends were here with me."

    Good Question - Shared by: Ajai Kumar Agrawal

    By: Unknown On: Friday, June 08, 2007
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  • A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

    ''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

    The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.''

    Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU."

    There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

    ''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

    Thanks Ajai for the laugh! Cheers!


    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 02, 2007
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  • +You have to choices in life: you can stay single and miserable, or you can get married and wish you were dead.

    At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

    A lady inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "HUSBAND WANTED". The next day, she received 100 letters and they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

    When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

    80% of married men cheat in the USA. The other 20% cheat in Canada.

    Young son to his father: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad to son: "That happens in every country, son."

    Husband: "Want a quickie?"
    Wife: "As opposed to what?"

    First Guy: "My wife's an angel!"
    Second Guy: "Your lucky, mine's still alive!"

    Dead Rabbit

    By: Unknown On: Saturday, June 02, 2007
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  • A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

    He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

    The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

    She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

    "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

    The blonde says, "Don't worry."

    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

    She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

    Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished.

    He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

    It says...

    Are you ready for this?)

    (Are you sure?)

    (This is bad!)

    (It's not even a Blonde Joke!)

    (You know you could just click off and not read the punch line..)

    (You can still click away)

    (You know you're gonna be sorry)

    (Last chance)

    (OK, here it is)

    It says,

    "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."