An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent
Funny Expressions Full Of Wit
These expressions gave me a good laugh... too funny!
Well that just dills my pickle!
That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!
You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.
I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.
If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died. He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.
He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin' contest!
She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!
He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!
Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
That was faster than green grass through a goose.
She could make a preacher cuss!
Hell, she could even depress the devil.
You could start an argument in an empty house.
That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.
You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.
Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?
Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
Each one of his sermons is better than the next!
He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.
He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!
She needs some fries to go with that shake.
That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.
Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.
They’re off like a herd of turtles.
She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.
Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.
If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.
Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!
Well, slap my head and call me silly!
Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!
Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!
He’s not particularly intelligent:
The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.
If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.
He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.
He’s a little strange…
That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.
I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.
I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!
He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.
You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.
He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.
He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
Well that just dills my pickle!
That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!
You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.
I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.
If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died. He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.
He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin' contest!
She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!
He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!
Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
That was faster than green grass through a goose.
She could make a preacher cuss!
Hell, she could even depress the devil.
You could start an argument in an empty house.
That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.
You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.
Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?
Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
Each one of his sermons is better than the next!
He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.
He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!
She needs some fries to go with that shake.
That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.
Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.
They’re off like a herd of turtles.
She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.
Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.
If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.
Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!
Well, slap my head and call me silly!
Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!
Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!
He’s not particularly intelligent:
The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.
If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.
He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.
He’s a little strange…
That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.
I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.
I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!
He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.
You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.
He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.
He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
9 Words Women Use - Hidden Meanings
These are hilarious... and yes there's some funny hidden messages relating to guys too which can be found here. (lol)
Hidden Meanings Behind 9 Words Women Use:
Hidden Meanings Behind 9 Words Women Use:
- Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
- Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
- Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
- Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
- Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she's wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.
- That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
A Bear, Lion And A Pig Meet
A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only
Welfare Office
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
Great Diet
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog Food poisoned me. I told her
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog Food poisoned me. I told her
Quick Wit
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a Condom Company and these are customer complaints."
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a Condom Company and these are customer complaints."
Funny British Post Cards
I don't make em' I just pass em' on lol ... thanks to my good friend for e-mailing them to me.
A Boys First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me
Old People
A jet is making its final approach to St. John 's Airport. .
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John 's Newfoundland. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK"
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John 's Newfoundland. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK"
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is
Jane Teaches Tarzan
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ‘Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly..'
Bambi and Thumper Really do Exist!
Bambi And Thumper actually exist.. they aren't just a fairy tale!
These amazing pictures were taken in Alberta, Canada in someone's back yard...Very cool! What an incredible photographer to have captured these shots!
May you always have
Love to Share,
Health to Spare,
And Friends
These amazing pictures were taken in Alberta, Canada in someone's back yard...Very cool! What an incredible photographer to have captured these shots!
May you always have
Love to Share,
Health to Spare,
And Friends
Ever Seen Pecker Peppers? LOL
Have you ever seen a Pecker Pepper before?
These are actual peppers from a garden.
They are called 'Peter Peppers'..
By the way, the farmer says they can grow up to 18" long!
Sort of brings tears, doesn't it? LOL
These are actual peppers from a garden.
They are called 'Peter Peppers'..
By the way, the farmer says they can grow up to 18" long!
Sort of brings tears, doesn't it? LOL
It All Depends How You Look At It
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was the trip?'
'It was great, Dad.'
'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked..
'Oh yeah,' said the son.
'So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?' asked the father.
The son answered:
'I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs..
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to
Blonde and the Heart Attack
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting... "What's up?" she asks.
"I think I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy! Mummy!
Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting... "What's up?" she asks.
"I think I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy! Mummy!
Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
An Unusual Gimmick
This joke I got from a friend and it's hilarious. I nearly fell out of my chair at the outcome. Too funny.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John...
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair!
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John...
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair!
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched
Do Sunglasses Really Do What They Were Intended To?
Does this seem familiar to you? This guy's thinking, "Sure wish they would invent something to keep the sun out of my eyes"..Lol.
This joke was e-mailed to me by a good friend of mine.
This joke was e-mailed to me by a good friend of mine.
Best SMS Text Messaging Service I've Used
If you ever want to send free online SMS text messages, be sure to try this new site out called Text4FreeOnline. It's much better to use than the others out there I've found so far because unlike many, this one's extremely user freindly, quick and also allows you to upload and send pictures. Even the design of the site is clean and neat; and after you send a text message, it shows you your message and when it was sent. An added bonus is you can even insert smileys into your text messages. Very cool for a free service. Put a smile on your friends and families faces and send them a sweet message along with a picture. Text4FreeOnline Free SMS Text Message 2Way.
It's All Fixed!
There, now I fixed it! Lol.... these pictures are hilarious. Quite the funny "fixes"!
Great Tips or All
Some great tips to consider for the future...
Stay out of trouble.
Aim for greater heights.
Stay focused on your job.
Exercise to maintain good health.
Practice team work.
Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back. Take your time trusting others.
Save for rainy days.
Stay out of trouble.
Aim for greater heights.
Stay focused on your job.
Exercise to maintain good health.
Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back. Take your time trusting others.
Save for rainy days.
Some Musings On Old Age
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also,
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also,
Kentucky Cut Humour
Please do NOT be offended by this joke as it's intended for just a laugh. If you are offended, please contact me and I will remove it from this site. Thank you for your input. I hope you can find the humour in it though :) God Bless all you Rednecks and everyone out there!!
Brand new edition of...'You know you're a redneck when......'
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Brand new edition of...'You know you're a redneck when......'
Just ask for the ' KENTUCKY CUT'
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Directions to the Post Office
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show youhow to get
to Heaven."
The little boy replied
What Amazing Talent - Hand Crafted Eagles
Now this is mind blowing. This fellow creates Bald Eagles out of feathers from other birds! Turkey, Geese and regular Chicken feathers is all he uses. Truly inspiring to see such creative works of art. Wow...
It is illegal to possess a single Eagle feather in the U.S.A.
He irons, trims and shapes each feather!
He uses feet and beaks molded & cast from real Bald eagles!
He places each individual feather by hand!
Test fitting the head....
Each Eagle is banded with a numbered
It is illegal to possess a single Eagle feather in the U.S.A.
He irons, trims and shapes each feather!
He uses feet and beaks molded & cast from real Bald eagles!
He places each individual feather by hand!
Each Eagle is banded with a numbered
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