Newfie

Newfie

A Southern Baptist Minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St.John's.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for a Lambs Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Southern Baptist Minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust....."I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said:

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Why Men Are Just Happier People

WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

~ Your last name stays put.
~ The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
~ Chocolate is just another snack.
~ You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
~ You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
~ You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
~ Car mechanics tell you the truth.
~ The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
~ You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
~ Same work, more pay.
~ Wrinkles add character.
~ Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
~ People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
~ The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
~ New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
~ One mood all the time.
~ Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
~ You know stuff about tanks.
~ A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
~ You can open all your own jars.
~ You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
~ If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
~ Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
~ Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
~ You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
~ Everything on your face stays its original color.
~ The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
~ You only have to shave your face and neck.
~ You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
~ One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
~ You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
~ You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
~ You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity (LMAO)

OMG These are hilarious! Imagine doing these things?

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. [full joke]

The Blonde Goes To A Repair Shop

The Blonde Goes To A Repair Shop

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was
covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.

Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."

Tragedy At The Mall

Tragedy At The Mall

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.

Two Blondes That Froze To Death

Two Blondes That Froze To Death...

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

Two Blondes With Hammers

Two Blondes With Hammers..

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

~ One Of The Best Blonde Jokes I’ve Heard ~

~ One Of The Best Blonde Jokes I’ve Heard ~

A man was in his front yard mowing the grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


Ithis part......

"My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!!!"

Poor Frog

Poor Frog

The Boy with the flattened frog...

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so ada! mant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when! Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG."

Hospital Stay

Hospital Stay

A woman called a local hospital:

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said "What is the patients name and room number #?"

"Sarah Finkel, Room 302."

"I'll connect you to the nursing station."

"Third floor nursing station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records."

"Mrs. Finkel is very well. In fact she had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours, and if she continues this improvement, Dr Cohen is going to send her home on Tuesday."

The woman said "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic. That's wonderful news."

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member, or are you a very close friend?"

"Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in Room 302. Nobody tells me sh**!"

The Disappearing Husband?

The Disappearing Husband?

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Three Little Pigs

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE this....



The third piggy says .....

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

Oh... That Viagra

Oh.. That Viagra

A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says, "What happened?"

The man answered, "Nobody Showed UP!"

Grammar Lesson

Grammar Lesson

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie!", replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Oh that's beautiful, just f***** beautiful!"

Prenuptial

Prenuptial

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said, "I want to keep my house."
He said, "That's fine with me."
She said, "And, I want to keep my Cadillac."
He said, "That's fine with me."
She said, "And I want to have sex 6 times a week!"
He said, "That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays."

Car Problems

Car Problems

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Losing Engines

Losing Engines

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed ... read rest

Speeding Blonde

Speeding Blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer.

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

Blonde Cop

Blonde Cop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Nude Painting

Nude Painting

Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he'd been recommended to paint him in the nude.

"No," the talented blonde artist said. "I don"t do that sort of thing."

"But what if I double your fee?" he pleaded.

"Nope, sorry. Won't do it."

"How about I give you five times what you normally get?"

"Oh, okay then," said the artist, "but I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place to put my brushes."

Blonde Phone Call

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your
other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four mothers. He told the young mothers, “You ALL have obsessions”.

To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating…You've even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is with money…again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turns to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. This too, manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother gets up and takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, “Come on Dick, We’re leaving.”

Too Funny

Too Funny

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

The Penis Wants A Raise

The Penis Wants A Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1.------- I do physical labor.

2.------- I work at great depths.

3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.

4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5.--------I work in a damp environment.

6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.

7.------- I work in high temperatures.


Reply: Dear Penis,


After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your Request for the following reasons:


1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.

9. You are unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.


Sincerely, The Management

Blonde's Pregnancy Test

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more.."

I asked, "What do you mean ' more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

The Penis Study

The Penis Study

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

OOPS!!!!

OOPS!!!!

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?", and she replied, "They're still up in bed”.
Again, the little boy started to giggle, ate his lunch and went to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again asked his grandma about his parents whereabouts. Once again, grandma replied, "they're up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and grandmother asked him why he laughed everytime she mentions the fact that they're still up in bed. The little boy replied, "Well, last night Daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue!!! He must have got himself stuck somewhere in his room." Grandma fainted!

The Pickle Slicer

The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

After 50 Years Of Being Hitched

After 50 Years Of Being Hitched

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey", the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised", replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Stuck Doorknob

Stuck Doorknob

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, ripped her knickers off and gave her one there and then.

When he finished he started putting his clothes on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door.

"What's wrong? Didn't you come? Do you want more?"

His wife said, "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!"

The Hairdryer

The Hairdryer

An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare"

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Ed Zachary Disease

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad...you haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

Tickle Me Elmo Toy

Tickle Me Elmo Toy

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Why Women Are Crabby

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we peed our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"?
Yeah right. Bite me.

What else can we do but laugh about it???

Dear Ellie

Dear Ellie

Dear Ellie: I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don't live were we did when you left home, your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine; I'm not sure it works to well though, last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here; it only rained out twice last week, the first time for three days and the second for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your uncle Elbert said would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jack locked his keys in the car yesterday, we were worried, because it took him tow hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Uncle Fred fell in a beer vat last week, Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick up truck, Jim Bob was driving, he rolled down the window and swam to safety, your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time, nothing much has happened.

Love Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

What Mommy Calls Daddy

What Mommy Calls Daddy

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind
of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.
"Well" he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it, don't eat it, it's a fookin ass hole."

Blonde Who Hates Blonde Jokes Tries To Prove Blondes Are Smart

Blonde Who Hates Blonde Jokes Tries To Prove Blondes Are Smart

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb,and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said:





"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

Top 20 Bumper Stickers for Women

TOP 20 BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMEN

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS
FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

Curtain Rods - lmao

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air freshener were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods!

You Gotta Love this!

Poor Norman

Poor Norman

Norman staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump; a whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Norman sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Norman woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Norman?"
Norman said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly . . . it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Kids Really Do Listen To Their Teachers!!!!!

Kids Really Do Listen To Their Teachers!!!!!

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Ever See An Iceberg From Top To Bottom?

EVER SEE AN ICEBERG
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM?
This is awesome!

This came from a Rig Manager for Global Marine Drilling in St. Johns, Newfoundland.
They actually have to divert the path of these things away from the rig by towing them with ships!
Anyway, in this particular case the water was calm and the sun was almost directly overhead so that the diver was able to get into the water and click this pic. Clear water huh?!
They estimated the weight at 300,000,000 tons.

Pretty Cool!! Definitely worth sharing with everyone! Care to share with those you know? Send them just the link to this site. Simple, copy and past into an e-mail.

Smart Man!

Smart Man

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, Big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even like tennis! I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

"Oh yes," the boy said.

"Oh yes," the boy said

The Newfie was very loud in expressing his disbelief so the man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot, the people said he was correct.
The Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally, the trainer could take it no longer, and offered to bet the Newfie that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Newfie accepted the wager.
The elephant looked very closely at the skeptic, then turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn't believe.
Then he turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
The Newfie stumbled back, amazed, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus b'y, he's right...I'm farty-two!"

Ole & Sven ... lol

Ole & Sven

Ole and Sven were fishing one day, when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 12 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands, "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a Genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?" Sven asked.

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master, vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million Bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkened and is filled with the sound of a million Ducks flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yelled at Ole, "Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Ole answered, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"

Elevator Ride

Elevator Ride

A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect - 3 - piece suit, great build, nice butt. The bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"

One-Night Stand

One-Night Stand

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

Good Answer

Good Answer

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted.
"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the Hell would you say???

The Blonde And The Circle

The Blonde And The Circle

One day a blonde is driving home when she rear-ends a man in his truck. The man stops and yells at her to get out of her car, so she steps out and tries to apologize.
He then draws a circle in the sand and tells her to stand inside and not to step out. He goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, walks over to her car, and smashes in the window.
She begins to giggle, so he looks back at her angrily and tells her to be quiet. Then he starts beating in the hood of her car.
She giggles again, and he turns to her and says, "You're askin' for it, lady!" Then he smashes in her windshield.
By this time the blonde is laughing hysterically, so he looks at her and yells, "What's so funny!?"
She laughs again and replies, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times."

Coolest Veggie Art Ever! Get Your Kids To Eat Their Veggies!

The coolest figures ever created with real veggies. Great way to get kids to eat their veggies don't ya think?