A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her introduction, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first”. The boys start giving their introduction.
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. After all, there’s essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next".
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach immature boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please”.
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes”
Teacher "Now that’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...” The most beautiful girl ... {full joke}
Inflatable Girlfriend
Here's a good one if you're not in the mood for guys trying to pick you up. Just tell them, "look, sorry, I'm you're not your type, I'm not inflatable"
Kissing Mirrors At School
According to a recent news report, a private school in Victoria, BC was recently faced with a strange, but unique problem.
Several of the grade 12 girls were starting to use lipstick and would always put it on in the bathroom. They would then press their lips against the mirror as if they were kissing it; leaving dozens of wee lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man found himself having to clean it over and over as the girls kept putting them back.
Finally the maintenance man went to the school principal and she decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom where they met with the maintenance man. She explained that all their lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to remove them from the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was for the mirror to come clean, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He pulled out a ... {full joke}
Several of the grade 12 girls were starting to use lipstick and would always put it on in the bathroom. They would then press their lips against the mirror as if they were kissing it; leaving dozens of wee lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man found himself having to clean it over and over as the girls kept putting them back.
Finally the maintenance man went to the school principal and she decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom where they met with the maintenance man. She explained that all their lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to remove them from the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was for the mirror to come clean, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He pulled out a ... {full joke}
When You’re in West Virginia
There were two men driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on it with his nightstick.
As soon as the driver rolled down the window, he felt a WHACK. The trooper thwacked him in he head with his nightstick.
“What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper replied. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your window."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and turns out clean. He gets his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick too.
"What' the heck was that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," answered the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" Asked the shocked ... {full joke}
As soon as the driver rolled down the window, he felt a WHACK. The trooper thwacked him in he head with his nightstick.
“What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper replied. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your window."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and turns out clean. He gets his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick too.
"What' the heck was that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," answered the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" Asked the shocked ... {full joke}
Bee Sting During Golfing
A young woman was sung during taking golf lessons. She just began playing her first round of golf when she got stung from a bee. She felt in so much intense pain that she went back to the clubhouse to seek help and complain.
Her golf pro watched her come into the clubhouse and asked her why she was back so soon.
"I was f—k—g stung by a bee". She shouted.
"Oh, where about?" he asked.
"Just between the first and second hole", she said in pain.
He nodded and said knowingly, "That’s how you know your stance is too wide."
Her golf pro watched her come into the clubhouse and asked her why she was back so soon.
"I was f—k—g stung by a bee". She shouted.
"Oh, where about?" he asked.
"Just between the first and second hole", she said in pain.
He nodded and said knowingly, "That’s how you know your stance is too wide."
True Love Locket
A young man went into a jewelry store to buy an expensive locket for his girlfriend as a gift.
"Would you like to get her name engraved in it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a minute, and replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only True Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back in my face all angry, I can use it again."
"Would you like to get her name engraved in it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a minute, and replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only True Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back in my face all angry, I can use it again."
28-Ounce Water Pump
A blonde called an auto parts store to ask if they had a 28-ounce water pump.
"A what?" asked the confused parts guy?
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." She replied.
"Hmm, a 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car is it for?" asked the parts guy.
"A Datsun," answered the woman.
A light went on in the parts guys head as he ... {full joke}
"A what?" asked the confused parts guy?
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." She replied.
"Hmm, a 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car is it for?" asked the parts guy.
"A Datsun," answered the woman.
A light went on in the parts guys head as he ... {full joke}
Bear Attacks In Canada
Did you hear about the bear attack in Churchill, Manitoba, Canada?
These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill. They were taken as people watched in awe and could do nothing to stop the attack.
There's reports from the local newspaper that state the victim ... {full joke}
These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill. They were taken as people watched in awe and could do nothing to stop the attack.
There's reports from the local newspaper that state the victim ... {full joke}
If You Curse at Work
Dear Employees:
It's been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the department have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to some complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided below so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7 ... {full joke}
It's been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the department have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to some complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided below so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7 ... {full joke}
These Rubber Gloves
You're going to smile when you think of this next time you use a pair of rubber gloves. LOL
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
"No...you gonna tell me?" She replied.
"Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. No biggy...I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate part of the procedure, she ... {full joke}
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
"No...you gonna tell me?" She replied.
"Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. No biggy...I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate part of the procedure, she ... {full joke}
Witty Remarks
This guy asked his granny if she seen his pills that were labeled "LSD".
His Granny replied, "Fuck the pills, boy, GO look in the kitchen... there's dragons in there!!"
There was a woman standing in front of a mirror who said to her husband, "I look horrible and feel ugly and fat; give me some sort of compliment to make me feel better".
Her husband replied, "Well, be thankful ya got perfect eyesight".
A woman asked her husband one night as she got naked, 'What turns you on more, my ... {full joke}
His Granny replied, "Fuck the pills, boy, GO look in the kitchen... there's dragons in there!!"
There was a woman standing in front of a mirror who said to her husband, "I look horrible and feel ugly and fat; give me some sort of compliment to make me feel better".
Her husband replied, "Well, be thankful ya got perfect eyesight".
A woman asked her husband one night as she got naked, 'What turns you on more, my ... {full joke}
Gone Fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and ... {full joke}
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and ... {full joke}
Talking Vs. Spanking
Most people think it's improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of those' moments.'
One that I found effective for me is to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration of the car driving, others say it's the time away from distractions like TV, computers, video games, IPods, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions, in case you would like to use this technique.
One that I found effective for me is to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration of the car driving, others say it's the time away from distractions like TV, computers, video games, IPods, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions, in case you would like to use this technique.
Doomed By Stupidity
Is the Human Race doomed by stupidity? Here's some further proof in case you don't believe it is... the following label instructions are actually printed on consumer product packaging:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - "NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO".
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - "OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU".
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - "USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE".
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - "AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT".
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - "THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS."
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - "TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING". (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - "LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET".
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - "OPEN OTHER END".
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"
10. On a Sears hairdryer - "DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING".
11. On a bag of Fritos - "YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE". (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - "USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP". (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - "DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN". (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING". (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: "KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN". (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - "FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY". (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - "NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE". (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - "WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS". (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - "OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS". (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS". (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - "WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY". (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: "SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST".
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: "FITS ONE HEAD".
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY".
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: "DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY".
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: "MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS". (DUHH!)
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - "NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO".
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - "OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU".
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - "USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE".
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - "AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT".
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - "THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS."
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - "TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING". (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - "LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET".
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - "OPEN OTHER END".
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"
10. On a Sears hairdryer - "DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING".
11. On a bag of Fritos - "YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE". (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - "USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP". (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - "DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN". (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING". (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: "KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN". (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - "FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY". (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - "NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE". (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - "WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS". (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - "OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS". (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS". (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - "WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY". (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: "SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST".
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: "FITS ONE HEAD".
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY".
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: "DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY".
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: "MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS". (DUHH!)
Grinchy Cop
A cop was on horseback on Christmas morning sitting at a traffic light when he took notice of a kid next to him on a shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring it for you?" The kid replies, "Uh, yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to place a tail-light on your bike." Then he proceeds to write the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket says to the cop before taking off, "Well, by the way, that's a nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring him to you?"
The cop says, humoring the kid, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid proceeded to gesture, "Well, next year tell Santa to place the dick underneath the horse, rather than of on top."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to place a tail-light on your bike." Then he proceeds to write the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket says to the cop before taking off, "Well, by the way, that's a nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring him to you?"
The cop says, humoring the kid, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid proceeded to gesture, "Well, next year tell Santa to place the dick underneath the horse, rather than of on top."
Concept Of Politics
This little boy goes and asks his dad, "What's politics?" Dad replies, "Well son, let me try explaining: I'm the breadwinner of this family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom's the administrator of our money, so let's call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. Our nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother is the Future. Now, think on that and see if you can make sense of it all."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad explained. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds his baby brother soiled his diaper severely. So the little boy goes to his parents room and sees his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeked in the keyhole to see his Dad in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what the concept of politics is now." The father replies, "Good son, now in your own words, what do you think politics is all about?" The little boy replies, "Okay, uh, well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government's sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad explained. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds his baby brother soiled his diaper severely. So the little boy goes to his parents room and sees his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeked in the keyhole to see his Dad in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what the concept of politics is now." The father replies, "Good son, now in your own words, what do you think politics is all about?" The little boy replies, "Okay, uh, well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government's sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Bragging About Kids
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a ...{full joke}
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a ...{full joke}
What A Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Father O'Malley
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ....
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'
There was dead silence o n the line for a long moment..........................................
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'
There was dead silence o n the line for a long moment..........................................
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!
Murphy's Hat
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than deal with divine retribution, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than deal with divine retribution, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
Sumbich
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a ... {full joke}
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a ... {full joke}
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