9 Things I Hate About People

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? LMAO ... {full joke}

Hikers

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second hiker says, "What are you doing?"

The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."

The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear?

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"

Gorilla Mime

One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts the offer.
So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage.
He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds him flat on his back looking up at the angry lion. The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"

A Happy Meal

What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal when they were eating a
clown?

Does this taste funny to you?

Sweet Talker

On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying “Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.”
Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”

They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it" For three days the fridge sat There without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution...

They Walk Among Us

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!

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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"

They Walk Among Us!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

They Walk Among Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...

They Walk Among Us!

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

They Walk Among Us!

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us!

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...

They Walk Among Us!

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

*They walk among us, AND reproduce!

Your Favorite Faery Tales With a Twist

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin,"
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly, .. Peter, Peter, something or other..." (Pumpkin Eater)
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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
(You go, Red!!)
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MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
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SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
(I guess there are men you wouldn't want to be honest all the time)
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Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
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One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that
for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

How to Shower (Male Versus Female)

Part 1: How to Shower Like a Woman:

* Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
* Get in the shower.

* Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
* Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

* Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off hair.

* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
* Spray mould spots with Tilex.

* Get out of shower.
* Dry with towel the size of a small country.
* Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
* Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: How to Shower Like a Man:

* Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom.
* If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
* Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
* Get in the shower.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
* Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
* Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
* Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
* Wash your hair.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pee.
* Rinse off and get out of shower.
* Partially dry off.
* Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
* Admire wiener size in mirror again.
* Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

* Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
* If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
* Throw wet towel on her pillow.


If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and... woo-woo!!!

Two Newfies Go Camping

Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.

After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer".

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it!! I'm not friggin' going!!!!"

Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

Bob Rescues Woman From Choking

A woman sitting in a restaurant in St John's, Newfoundland, suddenly began to cough while eating a giant lobster. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two men, Bob and Bill, sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" Asked Bob. The woman signaled "No", desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Bill. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head "No."

With that, Bob walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the womans butt. This shocked the woman and she went into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bob swaggered back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his beer.

Bill said in admiration, toasting Bob, "Ya know bye, I'd heard of dat dere Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

AWWWW!

Here is your AWWWWW for the day....

Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

Poor Paddy

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day & most of the night.

Mick, the bartender, says "You won't be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy." Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" he cries.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . . I'm fockin' focked," says he.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed."

Again he pulls himself up by the door frame, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' pissed, and how did you know?"

"Mick the bartender phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

To Help Ease the Pain of Your Next Trip to the Pump

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

Compared with Gasoline

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ...... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ...... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ......... .. $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER.. .

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismol or Nyquil.

Just Because I'm From Newfoundland...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind of windows.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

"Helllooooo?"

Now just because I'm from Newfoundland doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves.

"Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a Newfoundlander anymore....

Pretend Pregnancy

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, pick that pen up for me."

Never Leave Children Unattended!

Forget the Drink!

Click on picture to enlarge.

At Ages 4-80 Success is...

Successful Is:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Road Rage Ad - "Manners For Motering"

Can you imagine driving with one of these in your car? I don't know whether it would cause less road rage or more! Hahaha!

Funny Maxine Cartoons

These were all e-mailed to me by a friend in London. Thanks for sharing, my friend :) These funny Maxine cartoons crack me up every time!