A professor at the University was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions' to his first year medical students. Knowing it wasn't the most pleasant topic, he made an effort to try and lighten the mood a bit.
He pointed to a young lady sitting in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an ... {full joke}
No Proof, No Purchase
This little old lady went to the store to purchase some dog food where she was informed by the clerk that there was a new policy in place that enforces old ladies purchasing pet food to provide proof of pet ownership. They implemented the policy because apparently they've had old ladies go in and buy pet food for their pets and end up eating it themselves; so they now need to bring proof.
A little ticked, the old lady went back home, got her precious pooch, and returned to the store, then they sold her the dog food.
She returned to the store the following day to purchase food for her cat and was advised that the policy applied to cats too. So, the lady stormed out of the store and returned shortly after with her spiteful Whiskies and was approved to purchase the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went back yet again to the store; only this time, she was carrying a small black container. She brought it directly to the clerk and requested that she stick her hand inside of it.
"Why? What's in it?", the clerk asked.
"Oh, just put your hand in it and you'll see!", the old lady demanded.
"No thank you, how do I know there's nothing in it that won't chomp on me?"
"I can assure you, there's nothing in it that will bite you!"
After briefly hesitating, the clerk gave in and put her hand in the container. She felt the contents, immediately pulled them out to examine them screamed. ... {full joke}
A little ticked, the old lady went back home, got her precious pooch, and returned to the store, then they sold her the dog food.
She returned to the store the following day to purchase food for her cat and was advised that the policy applied to cats too. So, the lady stormed out of the store and returned shortly after with her spiteful Whiskies and was approved to purchase the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went back yet again to the store; only this time, she was carrying a small black container. She brought it directly to the clerk and requested that she stick her hand inside of it.
"Why? What's in it?", the clerk asked.
"Oh, just put your hand in it and you'll see!", the old lady demanded.
"No thank you, how do I know there's nothing in it that won't chomp on me?"
"I can assure you, there's nothing in it that will bite you!"
After briefly hesitating, the clerk gave in and put her hand in the container. She felt the contents, immediately pulled them out to examine them screamed. ... {full joke}
When Guys Get Bored - Warning - Not for Kids!
I've got to warn you, make sure the kids aren't around when you click on this link! Extremely hysterical but only for adults.
Hilarious pictures of things guys do when they get bored.
Hilarious pictures of things guys do when they get bored.
Cup of Tea Daddy
When I was a baby, someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy would be in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I'd bring Daddy a lil' cup of 'tea', which was really just water. After several cups of tea and tons of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom arrived and Daddy made her wait in the living room and watch his little princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was so precious and the "darlingish", sweetest thing ever at the time.My Mom stood and watched while I came down the hall with a lil' cup of tea for Daddy and observed him drink it all up and responded, "That's very cute and priceless Hun, but has it crossed your mind {full joke}
My Neighbor's a Peeping Tom
I know this girl who lives in an apartment on the fourth floor who's been experiencing some trouble with her neighbor. Even though this neighbor seems overall good natured, he's rather nosy and becoming a peeping Tom.Whenever she goes out on her patio to get some fresh air and bask a bit of sunshine in her bikini, her neighbor peeping Tom peeps over at her from his patio and watches her wide eyed as soon as she removes her top. She's already ... {full joke}
Poor Fella
Jack, a 90yrs young gentleman was used to playing golf every single day since he retired at only 24 years old.
Finally, the day came where Jack returned home from playing golf looking very sad and disappointed.
He turned to his wife and gave in, "That's it, I give up, I can't keep playing golf anymore because my eyesight is so bad to the point where I can't even see where the ball goes when I hit it."
Jack's wife tried to console him with a warm cup of tea. They sat down and she made a gesture to Jack. She said, "Why not ask my brother to go along with you, he has perfect eyesight?"
Jack replied, "How is he going to help, he's 100 years old!"
His wife said, "Yeah, well he may be a hundred years old, but as I said, he can see 20/20."
After thinking for a moment, Jack decided to give it one more shot. The next time he went along with the wife's brother in law. He gets teed up and takes a powerful swing; he can't see, just squinting away trying to see where the ball went. He asked his brother in law if he'd seen it and he replied, "yes, I sure did, remember, I have 20/20 vision!"
"Okay, great, where did it go then?" Jack questioned his in law.
"Oh, uh ... I can't remember."
Finally, the day came where Jack returned home from playing golf looking very sad and disappointed.
He turned to his wife and gave in, "That's it, I give up, I can't keep playing golf anymore because my eyesight is so bad to the point where I can't even see where the ball goes when I hit it."
Jack's wife tried to console him with a warm cup of tea. They sat down and she made a gesture to Jack. She said, "Why not ask my brother to go along with you, he has perfect eyesight?"
Jack replied, "How is he going to help, he's 100 years old!"
His wife said, "Yeah, well he may be a hundred years old, but as I said, he can see 20/20."
After thinking for a moment, Jack decided to give it one more shot. The next time he went along with the wife's brother in law. He gets teed up and takes a powerful swing; he can't see, just squinting away trying to see where the ball went. He asked his brother in law if he'd seen it and he replied, "yes, I sure did, remember, I have 20/20 vision!"
"Okay, great, where did it go then?" Jack questioned his in law.
"Oh, uh ... I can't remember."
Transfer Pain Of Birth
A married couple went to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. [full joke]
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. [full joke]
Black Testicles
There's a male patient laying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth when a young student nurse comes along to sponge bath him.
"Nurse", he mumbles from under his mask. "Can you tell me if my testicles are black?"
Quite embarrassed, the nurse replies, "I don't know, sir, I'm just here to wash your feet and upper body."
He struggles to ask her again, "Nurse, please can you check if my testicles are black?"
Concerned about him possibly elevating his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back his covers. She lifts his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?’
"Nurse", he mumbles from under his mask. "Can you tell me if my testicles are black?"
Quite embarrassed, the nurse replies, "I don't know, sir, I'm just here to wash your feet and upper body."
He struggles to ask her again, "Nurse, please can you check if my testicles are black?"
Concerned about him possibly elevating his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back his covers. She lifts his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?’
Bake a Cake or go to Bed
There's a couple at home and the husband is watching TV when the wife asked him, "Honey, can you fix the light please in the hallway? It's been flickering off and on for weeks now."
He looks up at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights NOW? Does it look like I have I have GE written on my forehead? I think NOT!"
"FINE!", she replied.
Then, the wife asked, "Well then, can you fix the fridge door? It' won't close properly."
To which he responded, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my forehead? I think NOT!"
"FINE", she said. How about the steps to the front door? Can you please fix them at least because they are about to break?"
"I'M NO CARPENTER AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE FIXING STEPS!" He says, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'ACE HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!"
So, he leaves to go to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours and then he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, so he decides to go home.
As he walks up to the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees that the hall light is working fine.
As he goes to the fridge to get a beer, he ... {full joke}
He looks up at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights NOW? Does it look like I have I have GE written on my forehead? I think NOT!"
"FINE!", she replied.
Then, the wife asked, "Well then, can you fix the fridge door? It' won't close properly."
To which he responded, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my forehead? I think NOT!"
"FINE", she said. How about the steps to the front door? Can you please fix them at least because they are about to break?"
"I'M NO CARPENTER AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE FIXING STEPS!" He says, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'ACE HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!"
So, he leaves to go to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours and then he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, so he decides to go home.
As he walks up to the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees that the hall light is working fine.
As he goes to the fridge to get a beer, he ... {full joke}
Marriage Can Be Dangerous!
Failing Marriages
These are hilarious pictures of what some people might imagine in their heads when marriage goes Bad. Click on pictures to enlarge.
Don't be embarrassed, you think you're the first guy who's wife shoved the remote up his ass?
Apparently I've done something to upset you.
A Woman's Trophy Of Divorce
If he's late, he gets a shot to the head with the smaller rolling pin, if he's drunk, I'll use the larger one, and if he's got lipstick on him, I'll use the gun.
"Mr. Schwartz, the tests show you're not impotent. Your penis is just scared to death."
The most effective birth control method known to man. Cost $0.25
"Hand me the hair dryer."
Show and Tell Day
Middle Wife - by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher. This is very funny.
I've been teaching for about fifteen years and have two precious kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I encountered in my second grade classroom a few years ago.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always have a few sessions with my students. It actually helps them get over shyness. Normally, show-and-tell is pretty calm and painless. Kids have brought pet turtles, airplane models, pictures of fish they've caught, etc. I never set any boundaries or limitations on what the kids bring. If they want to haul anything into the school and discuss, I say bring it on.
Well, one day a very outgoing and bright little girl, Erica, goes to take her turn and waddles up to the front of the classroom with a pillow shoved under her shirt. She holds up a picture of an infant and says, "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to talk about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my Mommy's tummy, and Luke grew inside there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids watched her in amazement.
Erica continues with her story, "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mommy starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' She puts one hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like 1 hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now this girl's doing a hilarious duck waddle and groaning.) "My Dad called the middle wife who delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mommy to lie down in bed like this. (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall) And then, POP! My Mommy had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and splashed all over the bed, like psschhheew! (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands imitating water flowing away. It was too much!) Then the middle wife started saying, 'push, push, push' and 'breathe, breathe, breathe. They ... {full joke}
I've been teaching for about fifteen years and have two precious kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I encountered in my second grade classroom a few years ago.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always have a few sessions with my students. It actually helps them get over shyness. Normally, show-and-tell is pretty calm and painless. Kids have brought pet turtles, airplane models, pictures of fish they've caught, etc. I never set any boundaries or limitations on what the kids bring. If they want to haul anything into the school and discuss, I say bring it on.
Well, one day a very outgoing and bright little girl, Erica, goes to take her turn and waddles up to the front of the classroom with a pillow shoved under her shirt. She holds up a picture of an infant and says, "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to talk about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my Mommy's tummy, and Luke grew inside there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids watched her in amazement.
Erica continues with her story, "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mommy starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' She puts one hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like 1 hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now this girl's doing a hilarious duck waddle and groaning.) "My Dad called the middle wife who delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mommy to lie down in bed like this. (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall) And then, POP! My Mommy had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and splashed all over the bed, like psschhheew! (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands imitating water flowing away. It was too much!) Then the middle wife started saying, 'push, push, push' and 'breathe, breathe, breathe. They ... {full joke}
Bubble in the Bath
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her introduction, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first”. The boys start giving their introduction.
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. After all, there’s essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next".
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach immature boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please”.
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes”
Teacher "Now that’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...” The most beautiful girl ... {full joke}
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. After all, there’s essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next".
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach immature boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please”.
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes”
Teacher "Now that’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...” The most beautiful girl ... {full joke}
Inflatable Girlfriend
Here's a good one if you're not in the mood for guys trying to pick you up. Just tell them, "look, sorry, I'm you're not your type, I'm not inflatable"
Kissing Mirrors At School
According to a recent news report, a private school in Victoria, BC was recently faced with a strange, but unique problem.
Several of the grade 12 girls were starting to use lipstick and would always put it on in the bathroom. They would then press their lips against the mirror as if they were kissing it; leaving dozens of wee lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man found himself having to clean it over and over as the girls kept putting them back.
Finally the maintenance man went to the school principal and she decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom where they met with the maintenance man. She explained that all their lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to remove them from the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was for the mirror to come clean, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He pulled out a ... {full joke}
Several of the grade 12 girls were starting to use lipstick and would always put it on in the bathroom. They would then press their lips against the mirror as if they were kissing it; leaving dozens of wee lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man found himself having to clean it over and over as the girls kept putting them back.
Finally the maintenance man went to the school principal and she decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom where they met with the maintenance man. She explained that all their lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to remove them from the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was for the mirror to come clean, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He pulled out a ... {full joke}
When You’re in West Virginia
There were two men driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on it with his nightstick.
As soon as the driver rolled down the window, he felt a WHACK. The trooper thwacked him in he head with his nightstick.
“What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper replied. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your window."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and turns out clean. He gets his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick too.
"What' the heck was that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," answered the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" Asked the shocked ... {full joke}
As soon as the driver rolled down the window, he felt a WHACK. The trooper thwacked him in he head with his nightstick.
“What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper replied. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your window."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and turns out clean. He gets his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick too.
"What' the heck was that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," answered the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" Asked the shocked ... {full joke}
Bee Sting During Golfing
A young woman was sung during taking golf lessons. She just began playing her first round of golf when she got stung from a bee. She felt in so much intense pain that she went back to the clubhouse to seek help and complain.
Her golf pro watched her come into the clubhouse and asked her why she was back so soon.
"I was f—k—g stung by a bee". She shouted.
"Oh, where about?" he asked.
"Just between the first and second hole", she said in pain.
He nodded and said knowingly, "That’s how you know your stance is too wide."
Her golf pro watched her come into the clubhouse and asked her why she was back so soon.
"I was f—k—g stung by a bee". She shouted.
"Oh, where about?" he asked.
"Just between the first and second hole", she said in pain.
He nodded and said knowingly, "That’s how you know your stance is too wide."
True Love Locket
A young man went into a jewelry store to buy an expensive locket for his girlfriend as a gift.
"Would you like to get her name engraved in it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a minute, and replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only True Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back in my face all angry, I can use it again."
"Would you like to get her name engraved in it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a minute, and replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only True Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back in my face all angry, I can use it again."
28-Ounce Water Pump
A blonde called an auto parts store to ask if they had a 28-ounce water pump.
"A what?" asked the confused parts guy?
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." She replied.
"Hmm, a 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car is it for?" asked the parts guy.
"A Datsun," answered the woman.
A light went on in the parts guys head as he ... {full joke}
"A what?" asked the confused parts guy?
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." She replied.
"Hmm, a 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car is it for?" asked the parts guy.
"A Datsun," answered the woman.
A light went on in the parts guys head as he ... {full joke}
Bear Attacks In Canada
Did you hear about the bear attack in Churchill, Manitoba, Canada?
These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill. They were taken as people watched in awe and could do nothing to stop the attack.
There's reports from the local newspaper that state the victim ... {full joke}
These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill. They were taken as people watched in awe and could do nothing to stop the attack.
There's reports from the local newspaper that state the victim ... {full joke}
If You Curse at Work
Dear Employees:
It's been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the department have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to some complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided below so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7 ... {full joke}
It's been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the department have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to some complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided below so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7 ... {full joke}
These Rubber Gloves
You're going to smile when you think of this next time you use a pair of rubber gloves. LOL
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
"No...you gonna tell me?" She replied.
"Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. No biggy...I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate part of the procedure, she ... {full joke}
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
"No...you gonna tell me?" She replied.
"Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. No biggy...I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate part of the procedure, she ... {full joke}
Witty Remarks
This guy asked his granny if she seen his pills that were labeled "LSD".
His Granny replied, "Fuck the pills, boy, GO look in the kitchen... there's dragons in there!!"
There was a woman standing in front of a mirror who said to her husband, "I look horrible and feel ugly and fat; give me some sort of compliment to make me feel better".
Her husband replied, "Well, be thankful ya got perfect eyesight".
A woman asked her husband one night as she got naked, 'What turns you on more, my ... {full joke}
His Granny replied, "Fuck the pills, boy, GO look in the kitchen... there's dragons in there!!"
There was a woman standing in front of a mirror who said to her husband, "I look horrible and feel ugly and fat; give me some sort of compliment to make me feel better".
Her husband replied, "Well, be thankful ya got perfect eyesight".
A woman asked her husband one night as she got naked, 'What turns you on more, my ... {full joke}
Gone Fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and ... {full joke}
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and ... {full joke}
Talking Vs. Spanking
Most people think it's improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of those' moments.'
One that I found effective for me is to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration of the car driving, others say it's the time away from distractions like TV, computers, video games, IPods, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions, in case you would like to use this technique.
One that I found effective for me is to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration of the car driving, others say it's the time away from distractions like TV, computers, video games, IPods, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions, in case you would like to use this technique.
Doomed By Stupidity
Is the Human Race doomed by stupidity? Here's some further proof in case you don't believe it is... the following label instructions are actually printed on consumer product packaging:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - "NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO".
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - "OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU".
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - "USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE".
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - "AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT".
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - "THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS."
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - "TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING". (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - "LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET".
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - "OPEN OTHER END".
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"
10. On a Sears hairdryer - "DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING".
11. On a bag of Fritos - "YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE". (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - "USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP". (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - "DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN". (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING". (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: "KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN". (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - "FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY". (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - "NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE". (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - "WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS". (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - "OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS". (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS". (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - "WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY". (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: "SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST".
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: "FITS ONE HEAD".
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY".
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: "DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY".
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: "MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS". (DUHH!)
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - "NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO".
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - "OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU".
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - "USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE".
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - "AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT".
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - "THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS."
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - "TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING". (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - "LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET".
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - "OPEN OTHER END".
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"
10. On a Sears hairdryer - "DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING".
11. On a bag of Fritos - "YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE". (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - "USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP". (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - "DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN". (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING". (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: "KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN". (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - "FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY". (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - "NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE". (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - "WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS". (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - "OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS". (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS". (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - "WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY". (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: "SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST".
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: "FITS ONE HEAD".
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY".
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: "DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY".
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: "MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS". (DUHH!)
Grinchy Cop
A cop was on horseback on Christmas morning sitting at a traffic light when he took notice of a kid next to him on a shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring it for you?" The kid replies, "Uh, yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to place a tail-light on your bike." Then he proceeds to write the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket says to the cop before taking off, "Well, by the way, that's a nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring him to you?"
The cop says, humoring the kid, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid proceeded to gesture, "Well, next year tell Santa to place the dick underneath the horse, rather than of on top."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to place a tail-light on your bike." Then he proceeds to write the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket says to the cop before taking off, "Well, by the way, that's a nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring him to you?"
The cop says, humoring the kid, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid proceeded to gesture, "Well, next year tell Santa to place the dick underneath the horse, rather than of on top."
Concept Of Politics
This little boy goes and asks his dad, "What's politics?" Dad replies, "Well son, let me try explaining: I'm the breadwinner of this family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom's the administrator of our money, so let's call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. Our nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother is the Future. Now, think on that and see if you can make sense of it all."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad explained. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds his baby brother soiled his diaper severely. So the little boy goes to his parents room and sees his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeked in the keyhole to see his Dad in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what the concept of politics is now." The father replies, "Good son, now in your own words, what do you think politics is all about?" The little boy replies, "Okay, uh, well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government's sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad explained. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds his baby brother soiled his diaper severely. So the little boy goes to his parents room and sees his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeked in the keyhole to see his Dad in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what the concept of politics is now." The father replies, "Good son, now in your own words, what do you think politics is all about?" The little boy replies, "Okay, uh, well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government's sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Bragging About Kids
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a ...{full joke}
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a ...{full joke}
What A Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Father O'Malley
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ....
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'
There was dead silence o n the line for a long moment..........................................
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'
There was dead silence o n the line for a long moment..........................................
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!
Murphy's Hat
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than deal with divine retribution, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than deal with divine retribution, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
Sumbich
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a ... {full joke}
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a ... {full joke}
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses/beds are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right.'? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you careless idiot!'?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses/beds are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right.'? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you careless idiot!'?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Men This, Men That
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman.....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ...
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS terectomy .
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman.....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ...
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS terectomy .
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Kids are Quick
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
________________________________________________________________
Dead Parrot
The telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Is, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Callaway Super Quad 460 golf club.' SILENCE . . . . . .
. . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!' Earl...?
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Is, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Callaway Super Quad 460 golf club.' SILENCE . . . . . .
. . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!' Earl...?
Flustered by Computers
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:! Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start ... {full joke}
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:! Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start ... {full joke}
Surprising Answer!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he goes back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he goes back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Childrens Survey On Beer
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'what they thought of beer.'
7 year old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
7 year old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'
7 year old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
7 year old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'
7 year old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.'
7 year old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer, she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
7 year old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
7 year old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'
7 year old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
7 year old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'
7 year old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.'
7 year old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer, she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
Almost There
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment ... {full joke}
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment ... {full joke}
Two Irish Nuns
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in Canada by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in Canada , we might as well do as the Canadians do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously.
"What part did you get"?
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in Canada , we might as well do as the Canadians do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously.
"What part did you get"?
Two Brothers, Opposites Of Each Other
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The Evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The Good brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother Passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, 'Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.'
God replied, 'As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere.
'I'm sorry to hear that', the good brother replied. 'But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.' 'You can see him if you wish', God said, 'I will give you the power to gaze Into hell.'
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long He saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and In the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, 'I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad.'
God explained. 'Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't.'
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The Evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The Good brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother Passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, 'Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.'
God replied, 'As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere.
'I'm sorry to hear that', the good brother replied. 'But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.' 'You can see him if you wish', God said, 'I will give you the power to gaze Into hell.'
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long He saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and In the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, 'I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad.'
God explained. 'Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't.'
A Bottle Of Merlot
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.� He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches ....Just send the bottle back.'
Jail as it Should be Everywhere
Please be advised that I've taken this post off due to unforeseen differences. It was actually e-mailed to me by a friend; neither of us realized that may offend anyone. I apologize to the individual that took offense, and to anyone else who may have. Forgive me for the misunderstanding; it wasn't meant to harm anyone at all. Thanks for your understanding.
Sincerely,
Bonnie
No Shit
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Toronto, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.
If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, "I am a Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, "I am a Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
Would Love to be 8
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday..
'I'd love to be eight again", she replied.
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars ... {full joke}
'I'd love to be eight again", she replied.
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars ... {full joke}
I Quit
Dear friends and family,
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking...
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
Why Oh Why?
Why, Why, Why...
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses/beds are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right.'? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot!'?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And think about this......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses/beds are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right.'? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot!'?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And think about this......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Getting Canada Pension Without I.D.
Having reached the age of 62, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was Very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt."
I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of ... {full joke}
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was Very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt."
I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of ... {full joke}
Just Wondering
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, I didn't get one either.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, I didn't get one either.
Did God Send You?
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question: How did I get here?
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
She replied, "Did God send you, too?"
"Yes, Dear," the mother answered.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the girl persisted.
"He also sent them too" the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He sure did," said the mother patiently.
"So in other words, you're telling me ... {full joke}
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
She replied, "Did God send you, too?"
"Yes, Dear," the mother answered.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the girl persisted.
"He also sent them too" the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He sure did," said the mother patiently.
"So in other words, you're telling me ... {full joke}
Headaches & Hypnotists
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?", the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly ... {full joke}
"No more headaches?", the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly ... {full joke}
Wee Cowboy Boots
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, '....These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, '....These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the offiser job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Certain men and all the ladies.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a offiser but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN
nikname Beefy
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
I waunt to apply for the offiser job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Certain men and all the ladies.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a offiser but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN
nikname Beefy
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Clever and Creative Chef Art
Very creative chef work here on the vegetables! A lot of thought and expression went into creating these cool veggie figurines. Wonder if them kids who don't eat their veggies would actually enjoy eating them had they looked like this when served? Hmm.. clever.
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